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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - bossy, critical DH? Can such men change and how?

114 replies

pseudonomer · 02/08/2019 21:20

Could I ask, does anyone have any experience of a bossy husband in the sense that you were able to get him to see it for himself and change for the better? I’ve been in therapy for a year and I’m seeing things differently, yet I still love my DH very much and sometimes wonder if I’m being narcissistic and spoilt. Ultimately he would do anything for me. He’s very kind in many ways and totally honest. But he’s a workaholic and can be very critical and overwhelming. We are mid 40s and have 3 DC. Does anyone have experience if such a dynamic shifting and, if so, how? Thankyou.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 02/08/2019 22:38

This isn't the bloke who barked recently that he would need "every assistance" in leaving the house the following morning, is it?
If not, Advanced Search it. There's some invaluable advice on how to deal with pompous twats on the thread.

OhioOhioOhio · 02/08/2019 22:43

Flashcards

I lived your life.

One of the most straightforward ways to identify abuse is to recognise that too often you are working hard to explain or teach basic human decency.

Flashcards. For your husband.

Says it all.

Allli · 02/08/2019 22:45

Do you work? If you are a sahm perhaps he sees you in the role his mother or grandmother had if they were sahm’s back in the day. When everything was geared around the mans needs and preferences as that was the married woman’s only role. eg rising mid cuppa herself to get him a refill for his coffee as he mustn’t have to wait three minutes, everything should be designed round his comfort. Bring the pipe and slippers to him, dinner on the table as soon as he’s home etc. It’s an old fashioned attitude but some couples like it this way and that’s fine if both are happy. But if this is your family situation and you are not happy then I hope your therapist can work through some ways of addressing the situation until you are happy again. Sounds like dh would benefit from a therapist but I imagine that’s 100% unlikely in a male military boss. Or perhaps I’m stereotyping based on my own experience.

Original poster
pseudonomer · 02/08/2019 22:48

NO, but when he goes in a business trip he expects me to pack for him because he’s too busy. And when I try and ask what he needs, he doesn’t answer half the time because he’s typing frantically, so I just try to guess. Before he went away this time, he had me cleaning two pairs of his shoes because he was in a crisis about something. He got angry on the morning he was leaving as he felt I was prioritising taking DD to the GP rather than assisting him. He shouted at me “I NEED SUPPORT!” And he said, “you’re my wife, act like it.”

OP posts:
Original poster
pseudonomer · 02/08/2019 22:49

“No” did not need to be in capitals there!

OP posts:
BonAccordSpur · 02/08/2019 22:49

Spot on advice @mussolini9..went through the same deal OP but living1000's of miles away in Oz with literally no-oneIRL to talk to so chose therapy to sort my head out on advice of Dr when id finally sought advice on why i felt anxious &depressed.. From then on when the minimising &excusing kicked in in my head when he reasoned with me&discussedmy 'problem thoughts&attitude'(yep thats what he called itConfused)i recognised id picked what id known growing up (&had spent a lifetime)trying to understand&excuse.Coersive control/narcissism.Ive been free of this manipulative narcissist arsehole for over 10years-i had been so low /downtrodden i didnt recognise myself or think i could ever'get back there' (or be happy over here) and literally have lived a completely different life over here in Oz as a knock-on of the personal growth&inner confidence&belief in being alone but not lonely and the wise words of my therapist.You can do it OPFlowers.

Original poster
pseudonomer · 02/08/2019 22:56

This morning at 6.30am, I actually found myself going through the kitchen bin to check the kids hadn’t put any plastic in there. And it just hit me there and then that it’s not normal.

I’ll hsve to go up to bed in a minute, but Thankyou so much for all the help. I’ll keep reading if I can

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 22:57

@CallmeAngelina
If not, Advanced Search it. There's some invaluable advice on how to deal with pompous twats on the thread.

Hope I'm not the only one in quiet hysterics at the admirably succinct post. Says everything I've been trying to put over, with about 12,000 fewer words ...

OP, you will manage this situation because you want change.
That change might be uncomfortable, it might be life-altering.
But we grow through change & adversity & I promise you when you are ready to address some of the tired old nonsense your DH is landing on you, you will be amazed at how far you have come.

OhioOhioOhio · 02/08/2019 22:58

He is focusing on the Minute detail to find ways to make you fail.

Don't tell him you know.

Watch and learn.

Then get rid of him.

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 23:06

The only thing that wasn’t done today when he came home was a large box of cat food had been delivered and I hadn’t opened it and put the sachets in the drawer. So the very first thing he did was huffed and puffed and did that

How daft & stressy. He could have chosen to ignore it.
The thing is, @pseudonomer, once you start to see these kinds of behaviour as the ridiculous charade it actually is, rather than some Decree Of Wrongness issued by someone as if they had any feckin' authority over you whatsover, it becomes amazingly easy to detach from it.

I did, with my coercive controller, Toward the end, if he was Performing Rage About Tiny Things (your cat sachet example is a fine one), I would end up laughing at him, & diffusing what he saw as A Situation into something that normal people don't actually bother giving a hoot about.

That might work for you too. It just depends how hard you want to work at it, & what for. If it's just to keep the peace, you're still on the same losing path. If it's because he genuinely want to make amends & start treating you like a human being & not a defective slave, you might consider the work worth it.

Windygate · 02/08/2019 23:07

He's a common or garden abusive controlling bully. A rubbish partner and father. I bet he didn't get very far in the military. You need to protect your DC

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 23:10

This morning at 6.30am, I actually found myself going through the kitchen bin to check the kids hadn’t put any plastic in there. And it just hit me there and then that it’s not normal.

CONGRATULATIONS! Wine
When you have time & feel like doing so ... re-read the thread & see the part where I suggest that your therapy is going to start throwing up some life-changing revelations.
Looks like you already had one, at 6.30 this morning :)

No need to rush this, OP. Let is grow & dawn in you at your own pace.
And keep coming on here, if only for the remarkable advice & humour you have seen from so many wise vipers on your thread. It's all do-able if you can keep laughing. xx

DeeCeeCherry · 02/08/2019 23:11

interrupts my phone conversations; leaves me lists of things he wants done and makes me feel terrible if I have missed anything. Also he can get very critical - eg going through the bin to see if there’s any plastic not been recycled, or telling me where to food shop due to the packaging he thinks they use

Your H is emotionally abusive and tbh an unpleasant pain in the arse. You mention a nice home, no money worries etc. Being on edge living with someone like that is a high price to pay tho. Even if you switched and did everything he wanted, he'd just find other ways to criticise you.

You must be immensely stressed. Is it all worth it, really? Years of living like this? Talk to him if you want but IME men like this dont change. & since they've no respect for you, any suggestions you make will be brushed off. He doesn't see you as an effective person.

Your therapist sounds inept.

You've said he's kind. He isn't. Just because he's nice sometimes it doesn't cancel out horrid behaviour. It's not a competition/either or. PPs have made some good suggestions re how to broach subject with him but they're too wordy - with so many words he'll cut you off before you've said 10.You need to keep it short, sweet and very direct. Not that he will listen. He may do for a time if he thinks you'll leave though.

Its not a good relationship dynamic in front of your children and will negatively affect their own relationships when they grow up.

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 23:13

@BonAccordSpur

Hugs my dear & Wine & Cake

OP- there are millions of us battered, tough, wise-after-the-event survivors out here. You won't be alone if one day you decide he won't change & you don't want to put up with him anymore.

Solidarity, sisters xxxx

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 23:16

He got angry on the morning he was leaving as he felt I was prioritising taking DD to the GP rather than assisting him. He shouted at me “I NEED SUPPORT!” And he said, “you’re my wife, act like it.”

To which this Survivor riposts:
"You're a father, act like it. Start prioritising your daughter's health over your bad temper & poor organisational skills".

Merryoldgoat · 02/08/2019 23:21

Your husband is an abusive arsehole.

My DH got home tonight from work. I was still in my ‘house clothes’, the kids were half naked in the garden and I was watching TV. House was a mess.

He came in and said ‘hello love, did you get a chance to rest today? I’ll do our dinner - want a drink?’

CallmeAngelina · 02/08/2019 23:25

And he said, “you’re my wife

Really? Sounds more like he thinks you're his PA.

TooManyPaws · 02/08/2019 23:46

Blimey, most of the military guys I knew/know/went out with (I was a reservist for years) were more focused on teamwork and getting stuff done, as well as realising that the women they worked with were in several cases telling THEM what to do. He's simply a twat who thinks the world revolves around the sun shining out of his arse and that's not a recipe for success, and neither is his disorganisation that he expects you to rectify psychically.

Don't accept his criticism and tell him where he's being ridiculous. If he can't change, leave him behind and continue on to your peaceful future. He'll just screw your children's minds up as walking on eggshells is an emotionally abusive way to live.

lifebegins50 · 03/08/2019 00:35

Walking on eggshells causes adrenal issues as your body is constantly in the flight or fight mode, which is not a natural state. Over a long period of time it can cause health issues.

I speak from experience, outwardly we had a wonderful life, dc who were thriving (he only ever took his anger out on me) and a beautiful home. It was however a broken home because Ex chose to abuse me. For some years previously he had been to counselling but abusers never fully own up to their behaviour and as a result don't change.

In your case has his behaviour ramped up over time until you are now at a point it can't be ignored.

Please read some books on the subject and start a journal. "Why does he do that" and the Verbally abusive relationship are good books.

Also please listen to your instincts, if you are feeling fear don't dismiss the feelings. Whilst he may not turn physical your body is warning you that you are under threat and is reacting as of ot was under physical threat.
Try to practice self care as often as you can as its important you remain strong for your children.

Lara53 · 03/08/2019 00:42

Ermmmmm OP please google ‘gaslighting’ - your OH is being an arsehat

Luckybe40 · 03/08/2019 06:43

This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better,( when you leave him). has he been escalating his behaviour?

Nautiloid · 03/08/2019 06:53

He sounds awful OP. I'd class that as abusive, not bossy. You aren't doing anything wrong yet you feel the need to change your behaviour to avoid his anger.

Luckybe40 · 03/08/2019 07:01

OP, you need to get this thread into the relationship board, lots and lots of lovely women who could write books based on the experiences they have had!

Shoxfordian · 03/08/2019 07:27

Can you see about doing the freedom programme?

Your husband sounds emotionally abusive. He's treating you like his incompetent servant not like his wife. I do all the food shopping and if my dh told me he didn't like Tesco, I would tell him he's welcome to buy it all in future. Don't put up with this shit

SeaSidePebbles · 03/08/2019 07:38

The freedom programme can be done online, OP, and it’s only a tenner.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Do you guys ever go for a walk together? Go for a walk and talk.
I’m sorry this os happening to you, but you are definitely the only one.