We should be leaving to go on holiday today

[TheoriginalLEM]

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

Pleas go on this holiday. As you have said previously you will only have so much time before your daughter will not want to go in holiday with you. You can’t get that time back.

This might sound harsh but your daughter and your DP come first BEFORE your mum. It’s your mums fault for not wanting more help and that’s because she knows you will do everything for her, she is manipulating you. She may very well change her mind when she sees you doing a lot less for her.

You need to think of yourself and your DP and daughter. STOP feeling guilty.

Go on Sunday.

You have a couple of days to make plans with the hospital. I can promise you no one will think badly of you for going on holiday, in fact they will probably understand considering she has previous for kicking staff!

If you don’t look after yourself you won’t be fit enough to look after your mom. And if you are anything like me you would end up resenting her if you didn’t go.

Even if the weather in Scotland isn’t great, I would still wholeheartedly suggest going up there. Stop along the way, and enjoy the beautiful Scottish countryside. There is nothing like it!

So go on Sunday. I'd suggest doing what a pp suggested- stock up your mother's cupboards and fridge today. Then when she gets home from hospital, tell her you very kindly postponed your departure by one day (implying that you're leaving tomorrow) to do this for her. Say goodbye and you'll see her in a week (or two, or whatever).

Please believe me when I tell you that she will be absolutely fine. I know this because a few years' ago, after her basically trying to get me to choose between her and my son, I went no contact with my own very difficult mother. I too was exhausted by the constant demands for 'help' and the sniping when I didn't 'do enough'. So I stopped it all.

The relief was immediate and enormous. And guess what- she managed perfectly fine without me. I do have some contact with her now, and she's still difficult and unpleasant, but there are 2 important differences-1) She knows that if she pushes it too far I will walk away and 2) knowing that myself means that I have no guilt when I don't ring/jump to her demands.

You are putting your mum first here. She isnt putting her daughter first and nore are you putting yours first. You need to go this weekend, you know you do. Tell the hospital you’re going Sunday, you have to make that VERY clear to your mum too.

Your daughter is the most important one here

I won’t give full details as it’s pretty outing but we had a similar situation but looked far worse for needing a break, and although some people were judgy, the medical staff never ever were.

And as I said, that was in a case where our need for a break was far less obvious than yours is.

I'm waiting on the Drs review today as that might be a discharge anyway. If that's the case I'll just go on sunday.

If they wont discharge today I'll tell them we are going away on sunday and sort the cat and go. You are right - i need to do this. I am at breaking point

I think you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t with your mother.

I’m a hospital nurse and I would totally support you in going on holiday. I would actually advise you to do so and break the cycle that you’re in. It might actually do your mother some good. The staff have clocked how difficult she is and will understand.

Important for you to take a break with your family. Your mother has controlled and upset you and now she is doing the same to your DD. Time to make a change.

Pop the cat in a cattery / pay for a feeding service.

Call the hospital. I wouldn’t visit.

It’ll be ok.

Your mum is a grownup. She has capacity. She has choices. She can't decide for you though, and just because she rejected the sensible options it doesn't mean you need to pick up the slack. She behaves rhe way she does because she can, and she knows you'll step in. Who knows, she might even reconsider once she realised you have a life that doesn't revolve around her.

Very sage words.

OP please go.

Tell DP you need go.

Tell the hospital you just cant support her at the moment. You are making yourself I'll and missing out on your dd.

Your dd is missing out.

You need to do this.

Your situation is not sustainable. I am a carer too and all the guidance is it is really important to put yourself first which is obviously something you find really hard to do. Your family is your DD and your DP and it really sounds as if the issues with your mother are getting to your family. Tell the hospital that you have discussed the matter with your GP (you don't actually have to do this) and he feels that your mental health is suffering. He has told you that you need to take a break and you will be doing that from Sunday. Then turn your phone off. If you aren't there, others will step in. Google UK carers - they have lots of useful advice and there is probably a local organisation in your area too.

I’m a health professional working visiting nursing homes so working with older people and I can promise you the nurses have seen it all before and don’t judge.

After 5 minutes with some people I can totally see why the kids never visit.

Go on Sunday, just go and switch your phones off. Your missing out on time with your dd for her.

You need to go regardless, don't let them discharge on the assumption you will be there next week. Call the ward and make sure they are aware in time for dr assessment. If needs be call her gp and tell them how concerned you are that she will self discharge and be alone.

When will your mum be discharged? Can you go immediately after she gets home? Do you have other family members or does she have friends who can take over for you so you can have your well deserved family holiday? Tbh it sounds like she's bloody taking advantage of you. Have a word with the hospital staff and explain your situation, they might try and get her some more support to take a load off you.

Another vote for you to go. Your family need this. But make sure your phones are switched off, as your mum will try to contact you to guilt you, Have a great holiday OP!

I think that's the kick up the backside your mother needs.
Just go.
Get her a shopping before or delivered and go. And turn off your phone.
I bet you she will be more than capable of surviving on her own for a bit

@TheoriginalLEM

Breathe. Count your breaths; in for a count of 4, hold, out for a count of 4. Regulate your breathing.

Do you have beta blockers or other anti anxiety meds? If so, take one.

When you feel calmer, phone the nurse back and say “Sorry for the faffing around, I suffer from anxiety and had a panic attack. We’ve talked it through and we are going this evening.”

The Nurse will only sympathise; they’re not daft and will know what you’re Mother is like.

You don’t have to go this evening, you can go tomorrow. In any case, do NOT answer the phone to your Mother; if you have an answerphone then screen your calls.

It is vital that you understand that any guilt you’re feeling is what your Mother has planted in your head. Look up “Fear, Obligation and Guilt” FOG. It’s make or break time. My guess is that you would never want your daughter to feel like this about having a holiday away from you, would you? That’s because it’s not normal.

Big girl pants on; you’re an adult with your own life and you, your dd and your dp come first.

I vote for going now or it'll get delayed even longer. If you had flights to catch you would go.

Start thinking about it like this

If you stay - you’ll let your precious DD down
If you go - you’ll piss off your mother

Essentially - if you stay, you’re selfish.

Once you get your head around thinking like that - you’ll feel better about going

There are no serious repercussions. Your mother is not on any danger. If she is being discharged , state that you will be unable to provide support for a time.
You are not abandoning her ' - it is a much needed SHORT break.
Please , we are all behind you

OP, I am in a similar situation with my MIl (apart from the holiday).
She went into hospital a coup,e of months ago as she keeps falling. They transferred her to respite care as we told the hospital social worker that we could not look after her safely. After 3 weeks in respite, mil insisted in going home by this point an LA social worker was appointed and we had a meeting whereby the SS told us that as MIL wanted to go home she had to make appropriate arrangements. She arranged for carers to go in 4x daily and MIL promised not to get up unless they were there.
lol and behold, she had 6 falls in 2 weeks, culminating in a laceration to her skull and the carer who found her ringing an ambulance. MIL refused to go back to hospital but her GP called round whilst the paramedics were there and asked her to go in for a brain scan as a result of the head injury. She agreed. Scan revealed signs of Alzheimer's and dementia, so now the new hospital social worker has agreed that MIL no longer has competency to make a decision about where she lives. She was transferred to an interim assessment unit yesterday where she will stay corn 6 weeks before any further decisions are made.
My advice to you is ring the hospital social worker, tell them you are going to be away for a week and when you return you will discuss your mothers options.
If your mother is capable of being at home with carers going in, then SW will organise this.

I can't thank you enough for being so understanding.

Scotland is on hold for another time. I feel that is too far to go for a week (always did) when all I really want to do is sit outside my tent and well, just do that. Maybe next year - we are however considering Europe next year.

I should have got something in place sooner but i have really tried, her GP is useless, social services visited two weeks ago and said they couldn't help as no personal care needed. Then the mental health team came and said they can't help.

My GP has been telling me for years to prioritise my mental health.

What do you do though when you are the only one who can help. I have an adult dd but i wont tell her because i wont have her drawn into this.

A friend of mine had to do this a few years ago with her Father.
He was admitted to hospital a few days before her and her family were due to fly out for a holiday of a lifetime to the US.
It was very hard for her and she (and her dh and dds had been living in his house with him to care for him) didn’t make the decision lightly but her father is a difficult man who takes a lot of care and refuses to take medical advice (among other things he is diabetic but refuses to change anything to control it), his level of required care was going to become astronomical once out of hospital (catheter etc) and she just couldn’t do it or put her children through it so she told the hospital she was going on holiday for two weeks and even when she got back she wasn’t going to be living with her father anymore and a care plan would need to be made. It was so hard for her but she managed to enjoy her holiday and when she came back she house sat for a friend who was away while she found a house to rent. She was in contact with her fathers medical team the whole time and then as but put her foot down when it came to her being able to offer care. It was so difficult for her and her father led the careers a merry dance (he is a very good manipulator) but it all worked out in the end, her father has the high level care he needs while still staying in his home and my friend, her dh and dds have their lives back. Go on holiday. Tell the hospital you are not able to care for your mother and stick with it, it will be hard, you will have to put your foot down so you don’t get pulled into doing more than you can manage when you get back but take this as an opertunity to set new boundaries. Good luck and enjoy your break, it is much deserved.

Tbh, I'd leave her in the hospital. It's the best place for her by the accounts of the professionals. Enjoy your holiday

Right, so Scotland’s too far, where can you get to?.