We should be leaving to go on holiday today

[TheoriginalLEM]

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

What do you do though when you are the only one who can help.

But you're not. She rejected any outside help. She refuses to be in hospital. She just wants you to help,which is very different.

Breaking don yourself, won't do any good to anyone anyways.

If you had to go away for a week to have surgery done ,would you feel so guilty?

Looking after yourself,your mental health and your family is just as important.

OP if you dont go now you never will.You are not going to get any medals for being a martyr to your mother.She demands too much of you.You are risking your marriage and your relationship with your daughter though whom I feel misses out on lots of quality time with her mum for the sake of her mum running about with her gran. I know that sounds harsh it is meant to ...not to upset you any more than you are but to make you see the bigger picture.Guilt and obligation here is misplaced.Your mum knew you were going away she would have managed.You need to alter your priorities back to your family.Your husband must be sick to the back teeth of seeing you run ragged and then you making him be run ragged too,It is just not fair,Not fair on any of you and he must be a saint to put up with it too cos mine wouldnt.You also never want your dd to turn round and say so what mum you were never there for me either. I think you sound an amazing person but you need to focus on you and your family right now.Rind social services right away explain and go.Tell your mum you cannot cancel and the plan is for the hospital and social services to step in.Give her no room to argue,Then when you return you need a proper care package in place.If your mum says no then tough she can do without but she will have to manage on her own,Leave her to think about it for a few days whilst you are away.I dont think you will go but really you should.You need this break and so does your family.If they dont come first it might be the straw that broke the camels back and you might loose way more than you think....I feel for you I know you want to do whats right and I know how hard guilt is to manage but for your mental health and for the good of your family you need to do this.Please please go ...

You aren't the only one who can help. She needs to stay in hospital or be discharged to respite/reablement (can't remember the term, sorry!) You absolutely must put your foot down or you will be stuck in this position.

Lem go on holiday. I like many on this thread am living the nightmare you are going through. My DSF died 18 months ago and my DM makes no effort to care for herself. DH and DC were amazingly supportive for the first year but now they want their wife/mum back. They have gently told me they want 'me' back to the independent feisty woman they know and love. I'm putting very firm boundaries in place and DM now has carers in place, I still do a fair bit but I know my limitations.
Tell the hospital your going away as you are worn out, get someone to feed the cat, sort the van out and go as needed

Hi. Was in a similar position and know how draining it is. Best advice is not to let them discharge her without a care package. Lay it on the line that you cannot manage by yourself any longer and insist that this is put in place. She may not like it but you need to put yourself first for the sake of your own family.

As pps have said - Tell the hospital you're unavailable. Take your DD out for a lovely day tomorrow. Pack your bags, be ready to leave first thing Sunday morning if that's what your DH thinks is best. But decide that as and from now you are on holiday.

You'll feel terrible until you make the decision but just do it now. It's done then and you can turn off your phone and relax.

The worst case scenario for your mum is she'll be annoyed. The worst case scenario for you not going on holiday is that you have a break down from no rest, you alienate your DD because she never comes first and your DH has enough of your marriage.

Good parents put their children first. your mother is not a good parent. You can be a good parent. Prioritize your child

What's wrong with your mum op? I'm in a similar situation (mum in hosp) and meant to be going on holiday on Monday. My mum is end of life but is strong as an ox so keeps living past her prognosis dates! (Thankfully ❤️). I think my husband is going to have to take the kids away on his own because my dad can't manage on his own. But, long ago I refused to be the caregiver and we have a full home care package. I suggest you tell social services that you can't cope and make them put something in place. It's no life for you and your daughter.

I have no other practical advice to offfer but I just stopped by to say taht YADNBU.

Your health (physical & mental) both deserve a break. If that means that your mother will need to accept help, so be it. My favourite line from this thread is "you cannot pour from an empty jug". It's beautiful beacuse it's 100% true.

Please go on holiday, enjoy yourself and your family.

Can you arrange meals on wheels

But you aren’t the only one who can help!! Go on your holiday and let the whole NHS/SS set up swing into action! You have to put yourself first for once otherwise you are heading for a break down.

@TheoriginalLEM I read up to page 3 & hurriedly scrolled forward to see if you’ve left yet. I concur with (is it 100% of posters?) and say you must, must go.

I have previously worked in inpatient wards - they have ways of sorting this stuff out, believe me we see a lot of families with many different personalities. It also may come better from the staff, you may find that without other options your mum accepts help until you get back.

Also can I ask - what precipitated this hospital stay? Sorry to be suspicious but it’s entirely possible that it is because you had planned your holiday. Just think about that for a minute.....

OP I was my disabled alcoholic Mum's carer for a number of years. It got to the point it destroyed my mental health, I was in a very bad place.

I stepped back and it was the best thing I've ever done. It spurred her on to get help for herself and I could concentrate on myself. Both of us have since turned our lives around.

What I'm saying is as a carer, sometimes you have to put yourself first and in your situation you need to do that. You and your family will need a break. There are professionals who can look after her and it sounds like she's refusing help because she knows you'll do it but that's not fair on you and your family.

She's being difficult and stubborn by the sounds of it. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is difficult but sometimes we all need to put ourselves first.

Please go now. Scotland's not that far, but if you really think that's out of the question make arrangements to go out today and tomorrow and tell your mother and all concerned that you have gone. I strongly suspect that when your mother knows you won't be at her beck and call she'll either decide to stay where she is or accept social services care.

When everyone jumps ship would you not jump too, just because you're the last one on board?

Honestly, ring the hospital and tell them your circumstances have changed and you are now away for a week. Don't go in today, you are just giving her the opportunity to talk you out of going.

My mum has refused the care packages and social services have stepped back. She doesnt need care per se she just needs to go to the dr when she is sick and she refuses to. Her medical needs are complex and I have to medicate her pain and anxiety from the pharmacy trying to avoid drug interaction. I can't do it anymore - i have told them but whenever I talk to them they say what do you want us to do?? I dont know- its not my job to have these answers surely

I'm realy glad you'll be going away on Sunday. Whatever you do, don't let her bully you into staying. So long as the cat is ok just go.

And when you come back start establishing some boundaries, for your daughter if not for you. Your family needs to take precedence.

We hadn't told her we were going away because historically she always plays up if we go. She now now's we have cancelled Scotland though. Did she say sorry? Acknowledge in any way? Did she fuck. She cant help being unwell but she can help how she manages

Adding my voice to the shuts of GO. Don't wait until Sunday, that could risk something else coming up, go today.

I can't do it anymore - i have told them but whenever I talk to them they say what do you want us to do?? I dont know- its not my job to have these answers surely

I'm no expert on this, but I would have thought that if she is putting herself in danger in relation to her medication and refusal to get medical help, they should not be discharging her as she can't look after herself at home. Maybe make that clear to the hospital?

Social services in particular will always try to push the burden onto relatives as that is the cheapest option, but as I understand it the law is very clear that carers are entitled to have their own lives. In the final analysis, they can't force you to put your life on hold for your mother, and for your own sake and your family's you need to make it clear that you aren't going to do it.

OP, your mum has refused help and expects you to do all the care. You can either carry on looking after her, burning yourself out so you are no use to your own DD (whom you really ARE responsible for) or you can stand up for yourself and tell you mother that SS have to become involved with her and she needs to take responsibility for her own well-being. I am assuming she is of sound mind.

Her wishes do not trump yours in any way and you have to give her some tough love for your own and your family’s benefit.

This holiday is much needed. Go on it. Try to ignore the guilt and allow your mum to take control of her own well-being rather than using you to be her carer.

You aren’t the only one who can help. It suits you to believe that. Even now you are running around trying to sort her out and worrying about her instead of thinking about what actually matters, your daughter.

Look at this as a turning point. Your daughter will remember this and remember who you chose. Ultimately who is more important? Your little family or your mother who treats you like shit?

I suspect she will manage a lot better than you think. She has been assessed as having capacity to make decisions about her care needs. I would stock up her food supplies and ask the hospital to put her medication into a blister pack to self administer and then go.

She doesn't care how much she impacts on your life. My nan was the same - refused to go into a home as 'we can cope', which actually meant she had my mother doing everything for her. She wouldn't even get a window cleaner in she'd just get my mother to do it for her.

Life would have been so much better for all of us, me included, if my mother had put her foot down sooner. She, my mother, suffered physically as a result of the way things were, but my nan refused to acknowledge it and my mother just carried on. My mother was depressed anyway, but this didn't help, which meant my home life was fairly miserable at times.

Could you speak to her GP and say that things have to be put in place as you're refusing to continue like it is? Tell your mother you'll see her once a week / fortnight, but for a visit. You will not be running around after her. If she refuses help that's offered that's her own fault. She'll try to make you feel as guilty as hell but resist, and maybe get counselling for yourself.

In the meantime, enjoy the holiday!