Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/08/2019 10:13

If it's too late to go today, get organised and go tomorrow.

Thehop · 02/08/2019 10:13

Go on your holiday. Your daughter deserves you way more than your mum.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/08/2019 10:14

Compromise and go tomorrow? Without question.

You need this, and so does your family. Your DD deserves this. Your DP does, and so do you.

Doubleraspberry · 02/08/2019 10:14

Just tell the hospital you’re on holiday from today. No one will drive by your house to check. I know anxiety is awful but a break will help so much.

KUGA · 02/08/2019 10:14

Just go.
The hospital can sort her out.
It seems to me she rules you and that is totally wrong.
Go and enjoy the break you need.

Fishfeedingfrenzy · 02/08/2019 10:15

They will not think you are an arsehole.

I have worked in a hospital with difficult people and have always sympathised with the family of these patients. They are aware that some people are controlling and if you explain that you are exhausted from your mother and working 10 hour days, plus your daughter is disappointed and angry, they will certainly understand. You are entitled to change your mind. Go tomorrow. Go, go, go!. Tell the hospital staff you will only accept emergency calls and your mother is not to contact you. Say you need to do this for your own sanity. She will probably still be there when you get back and will sulk, but that's her problem. Tell her if she guilt trips you that you will leave again. She needs this for both your her and your own good.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 10:15

The hospital think im at home though

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 02/08/2019 10:15

I have a crappy mother and for years was unable to put myself first. They way I do it now it to put my kids first.

So, stop focusing on what might happen to your mother and what she wants and focus on what your dd wants.

That will give you the clear head you need.

Tell dh you don't need to sort the van out. Jump in it and set off now!

Doyoumind · 02/08/2019 10:15

Go on holiday on Sunday. You have time to get ready. You need a break and a holiday with DD. You cannot put you and your family's happiness on the line for someone not prepared to take responsibility for themselves or show any gratitude.

jasmine1971 · 02/08/2019 10:15

It's never too late.
Not too late to have a day just you and DD, window shopping, little coffee shop stop, maybe even go watch the Lion King.
Check out Groupon - there might be a spa treatment you could both enjoy. Or an afternoon tea - you would both love that time together I am sure.
Then pack tonight and be ready for Sunday.

Juells · 02/08/2019 10:16

HRTFT

Could you let the cat out, and ask a neighbour to feed it? Leave your mother in hospital and stop beating yourself up about it. Keep telling yourself that you have only one life.

ALittleBitAlexis · 02/08/2019 10:16

Let your DH take control of the holiday arrangements, he sounds supportive and practical and that's what you need.

Paddy1234 · 02/08/2019 10:17

Go go go!

Etino · 02/08/2019 10:17

Please go dear @TheoriginalLEM
You need to look after yourself and your dd before you look after her mum. Being discharged to an unsustainable situation isn’t the best for her anyway.
Flowers

Juells · 02/08/2019 10:17

So, stop focusing on what might happen to your mother and what she wants and focus on what your dd wants.

...and on what you want. You don't seem to figure anywhere in your priorities.

Shouldbedoing · 02/08/2019 10:17

I've only read the 1st page but I get the scenario with the clingy controlling mother.
If you were catching a plane for a holiday abroad you wouldn't hesitate. She's coming OUT of hospital, not an emergency admission. Let her stew and let the NHS/SS make an appropriate discharge and care plan.
You only have one life.
Also you have to attach your own oxygen mask before you attempt to save others.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/08/2019 10:18

Go on holiday. You deserve it. Actually no,you need it. It's a necessity, and by the sounds of it your family needs it too.

Your mum is a grownup. She has capacity. She has choices. She can't decide for you though, and just because she rejected the sensible options it doesn't mean you need to pick up the slack. She behaves rhe way she does because she can, and she knows you'll step in. Who knows, she might even reconsider once she realised you have a life that doesn't revolve around her.

As for the hospital? Who cares what they think? They're not your family or friends, they're not paying your bills. Fuck'em... even though I'm sure they've seen many others like you at breaking point.

indianbackground · 02/08/2019 10:19

Let the hospital and your mother know by calling the ward.

onanothertrain · 02/08/2019 10:19

For all those saying social services will sort her out or the nurses need to put in a care package. If the ops mum has capacity and declines input there is nothing social services or the nurses can do.
Just tell your mum you are going on holiday on Sunday and that you need a break. Let her know that if she doesn't think she will manage on her own she needs to accept a package of care. Do not feel guilty, think about yourself for once.

CakeWarrior · 02/08/2019 10:20

It is NOT too late! Ring DP to come home, get the can sorted now and get chucking whatever you can. Its still morning! Call the hospital and say there was a miscommunication and its today you are on holiday. The more you sit on this the more you will end up not going at all. You will miss your precious time with your Dd. Bloody go woman!! Book a bloody travel lodge for tonight and set the tent up first thing! GO GO GO!!!

Pineapplefish · 02/08/2019 10:20

Honestly OP, please please put yourself, your DH and your DD first and go on holiday.

It doesn't matter if it's today, tomorrow or Sunday. Decide which is easiest and just go!

DameMargaretofChalfont · 02/08/2019 10:21

OP - Contact the hospital and tell them that there's been a change of plan and you are going on holiday at 12 noon today.

Then ignore any incoming phone calls - you don't need to go on holiday until Sunday but everyone will think that you've already gone away and are uncontactable.

This will give you time to pack and calm your emotions down.
My DD has BPD and I totally understand how things can spiral out of control and become massive issues unless something/someone calms things down.

Please contact the hospital and tell them you will be away for a week - then take things in your own time.

RosaWaiting · 02/08/2019 10:21

OP I am familiar with your mum's issues

Just go. She has capacity. You owe her precisely nothing - in fact, she owes you big time. Just go.

katewhinesalot · 02/08/2019 10:22

Yes, you only have a couple of years before dd steps wanting to go on holiday. Go today or on Saturday. The quicker the better so that toy don't feel guilty for as long. Get dp to sort out the van asap and before you change your mind.

Fishfeedingfrenzy · 02/08/2019 10:22

The hospital think im at home though

Just tell them its changed now. Things do change, especially in nursing! They will understand.