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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
Snoopdogsbitch · 02/08/2019 10:05

Listen to everyone- GO!!! The weather is fine here ( central Scotland). My DS is at Belladrum in Inverness and it's glorious. Please, please. You need this holiday.

Cocobean30 · 02/08/2019 10:06

The nurses won’t mind if you go!! Stop making yourself a martyr and put your daughter first.

PeoniesarePink · 02/08/2019 10:06

I've read some of your other threads about your Mum.

You are your own worst enemy, lovely. In the nicest possible way, stop dithering about and put yourself first FOR ONCE. Not everyone else.

You need time out to recharge so you can deal with the next onslaught from life.

Go on holiday, and turn your phone off. If they can't contact you, they won't discharge her. Or get your DP to phone the ward to say that you're not available to take care of her and leave the ball firmly in their court for a bit. You need this Flowers

WatchingFromTheWings · 02/08/2019 10:06

Do people really think i should go?

YES!!!!!!

She's being selfish. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 02/08/2019 10:06

Sounds like you’re just looking for excuses to continue the current dynamic (not being mean, you say she was abusive so this is all entrenched behaviour)

Could you order her an online shop? And prescription services now deliver to the house.

There are ways around this if you are serious about changing the situation.

ssd · 02/08/2019 10:07

You didn't book Scotland for the weather anywayGrin

KittyBaxter · 02/08/2019 10:07

Go go go go GO!

Your daughter, and your sanity, and your partner, are the priorities here.

Fuck it, leave when your partner finishes work today and get thee to beautiful Norfolk.

Wishing you a WONDERFUL break.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 02/08/2019 10:07

For your own sanity and the sake of your marriage, you need to go on this holiday.
I would seriously re consider being her carer too

Sirzy · 02/08/2019 10:08

Go. Everyone needs a break. Switch off your phone and have fun with hour daughter

theydontknowweknow · 02/08/2019 10:08

Go on holiday OP and enjoy yourself!!

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2019 10:08

I also think you should go. You need to stop prioritising your mother over your husband and daughter, and stop prioritising what the clinical staff might think. That's not ok.

OMGshefoundmeout · 02/08/2019 10:08

Go on holiday. Go now and have fun. Don’t let her spoil your life anymore she has already done. She will appreciate you more if she realises you aren't always going to be a total doormat running around after her.

PhillyLift · 02/08/2019 10:08

Surely the person whose feelings you should be considering the most are your daughters? Not your controlling mother and certainly not hospital staff!

How is your relationship going to be with your daughter if she spends her childhood being deproteinised for her grandmother.

If you’re not careful in a few years time she’ll be on here posting about her mum just like you are about yours.

KittyBaxter · 02/08/2019 10:08

You could stock up her cupboards and fridge this morning.

Missingstreetlife · 02/08/2019 10:09

Go on your holiday. Say you couldn't cancel and are at end of tether. The hospital will refer to social services. Likely outcomes, they wait for you to come back, they discharge with care package, they put her in respite care, or she discharges herself against advice and ends up back in again. Any of these supports your case that she needs care.
Don't be bullied, say no and go out of contact until you are ready to deal with it. This might be the kick you all need to change things

PhillyLift · 02/08/2019 10:09

*de-prioritised

Justmuddlingalong · 02/08/2019 10:09

The sun's out here in my corner of Scotland. Remember to pack the sunscreen. 😉

Zoidbergonthehalfshell · 02/08/2019 10:10

Oh, love - I've been where you are. Carer breakdown is a thing.

Please, please go. There are some wonderful suggestions on this thread about turning off your phone etc.

If she has capacity and does discharge herself, and it does go wrong, then that's on her. Not you. You deserve a life too, and it shouldn't be spent entirely pandering to her.

Go! Have a break. Sleep. Eat. Drink. Have fun.

As a pp said - "Put yourself, DD and DP first for a change, I'm sure you won't regret it. In the meantime I'm sending you flowers, gin and Dutch courage along with a little hug for solidarity from one abused daughter to another." Make that a group hug.

GooseberryJam · 02/08/2019 10:10

I am a carer for my elderly dad and I can tell you, you really must go away. Tell the hospital you can't be there for the next week or whatever it is and that they will have to work out what she needs - but not including you in that equation - before discharging her. They won't judge, they'll have seen many people who insist they don't need help but actually expect their kids to do it all and do far more than any one person can manage. It's quite common.

Looking further on, you say she can usually do her own care other than shopping and prescriptions. My dad now gets his prescription items delivered to the house by the chemist and I order him shopping online (Tesco are the best at accepting lower value orders although there's a fee for that, but it gets it done). Those are things that make it possible to go away and still know the person has what they need.

Butters83 · 02/08/2019 10:10

OP - I have a similar situation with my Dad.

I would go to scotland. I would call the hospital and tell them there is no one to care for her until you are back. They will make the decision whether she is fit to look after herself or they will keep her in.

Please do not put your life on hold for someone who does not appreciate it.

CilantroChili · 02/08/2019 10:10

If you were hit by a bus, your mother would have to get on with things.

Please go on your holiday - ring your do and tell him you’re all going this evening Ring the ward and tell them whatever but you won’t be there. Go.
Turn your phone off.
Have a lovely time, you DESERVE this x

Mary1935 · 02/08/2019 10:11

She’s really done a number on you over the years. I hope they called the police when she kicked a nurse or anyone. She’s a bully.
She has made you codependent. You need to look up The FOG - fear obligation and guilt. You also need to look up Coda.
Please detach from her in any small way.
She can have carers. She’s very manipulating. I feel for you. Don’t wait till she dies to do what you want.
I hope you can go on holiday. You can be a day late I’m sure.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 10:11

I'm sat here sobbing reading this. My Dd is 14 so really running out of time when she even wants to come on holiday with us.

The what its are screaming in my head. I suffer from anxiety and have bpd (I don't agree) but my anxiety is bad.

DP would prefer to go Sunday as we need to sort the van out etc. But I feel we should have gone today but now its too late.

My head is spinning and all I can hear is a high pitch screaming in my ears

OP posts:
Bibijayne · 02/08/2019 10:12

My BIL is in this situation with his dad. Seriously, go on holiday. Social services need to pick up the slack.

Wynston · 02/08/2019 10:13

Op you have had some very wise words on here......i just wanted to say that you are doing an excellent job. All the very best to you and youre family

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