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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
PonderingPanda · 02/08/2019 14:23

LEM after reading the whole thread and your responses l actually think you are being a martyr and it's your partner and child who are now suffering.

If your DM doesn't want formal care then that's her decision. It is YOUR decision what YOU do to facilitate that.

You have said the hospital will think badly of you.... WHO GIVES A SHIT!! It's not them who has to look after her at 24/7.

Until you stop being a complete doormat nothing will change.

If you're happy to continue to have a shit life and that life to filter down to your DD that's your decision - but own it, and come to terms with how your life will always be.

If you're not happy with having a shit life and in turn your DD - then do something about it.

Neither is right or wrong but you have to make the decision to either put up and shut up or change it

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 14:25

THANK you everyone.

She has been discharged and we are going to bring her home. I've booked and paid for a campsite in Norfolk!

We will go Sunday as we need time to sort the van and get a few bits together as I've not had time this week.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 02/08/2019 14:27

ENJOY !

Teachermaths · 02/08/2019 14:31

Good.

Let this be the first step in you not being a martyr.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/08/2019 14:31

Well done LEM!! Enjoy your holiday Thanks

Do not backtrack,it's done and you're going.

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/08/2019 14:31

The day you are not manipulated by her is the day you take control. Let that be today.
Ring the ward and tell them you are away until x date..phone signal is dodgy.
Go to the sunniest place you can find today. The hospital will not let her go unless there is suitable care in place. She has to know that won't be you as you are AWAY.
She will use every trick in the book to make you suffer FOG but you must let this slide. Go. Enjoy. After a week of no you to order about, she may realise what you do for her. If she has no shopping, then she must tell the carer. The hospital will arrange prescriptions, carers etc. She can lie but only she will suffer. YOU WILL BE AWAY.
Don't let the fear of her acting up stop you. It is NOT easier to do as she wants. It is time to make a stand for you and your family.
She has to learn.

MammaBot211 · 02/08/2019 14:32

.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 14:32

Not necessarily, in particular if there's a long decline. MILs final 'second day of the holiday' crisis was to die... but the nursing home was adamant that we were right to have gone. You can't put life on hold forever, especially not if you've got kids

Poor MIL, I take it there was other family with her. I couldn’t have gone away knowing someone I loved might day.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 14:33

Die not day!

Doubleraspberry · 02/08/2019 14:34

What an incredibly unkind post, NoSauce.

PentreBachCymraeg · 02/08/2019 14:35

Oh go away Sauce..

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 14:37

I’m surprised people think it’s ok to leave a terminally ill relative while they go off on their holiday.

flouncyfanny · 02/08/2019 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 02/08/2019 14:37

"She has been discharged and we are going to bring her home."

Hop that you manage to keep untangled long enough to get ready to go away on Sunday!

Doubleraspberry · 02/08/2019 14:39

Maybe you could think about why someone might, *NoSauce? Or indeed think about what ‘terminally ill’ might cover? Or at the very least not post something so very hurtful to someone who clearly had a very difficult experience. What is wrong with some people on here?

NotStayingIn · 02/08/2019 14:41

I’m so pleased you are going on Sunday. But DO GO! She will play every trick to guilt trip you into staying.

To be a little bit harsh here, this is also your doing. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated. It’s very hard but you need to start putting boundaries in place. What you are doing is so unfair to your immediate family. You need to stop allowing this to happen.

Isatis · 02/08/2019 14:41

So have you told Social Services that it's all down to them from Sunday? Tell them you have to go on medical advice.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 14:41

Teachermaths

Good.

Let this be the first step in you not being a martyr

Teacher, your message was the tipping point - you are right. My dad always said my mother played the martyr and she so does. I don't want to do that to my DD.

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 02/08/2019 14:46

Have a lovely time in Norfolk, sounds like you deserve it. Flowers If your mother needs shopping doing while you're away, sort out a home delivery from Tesco or Sainsburys in advance. If she has capacity and she's discharged herself, she's made her decision. Great that you've now made your decision too.

LegionOfDoom · 02/08/2019 14:50

I have an adult dd but i wont tell her because i wont have her drawn into this

You realise you’re letting your younger dd get drawn into it though?

This is so unfair on her. You made a decision to look after your dm. That’s understandable, I would do the same. I know I will support my parents as they get older, but not to the detriment of my dc. You said yourself there’s only a few years left of her wanted to go away with you. You also said she is devastated. I commend you and feel for you as you obviously do a lot dm. But, you’ve also enabled her and contributed to it getting to this point

WildfirePonie · 02/08/2019 14:52

Glad you are going on Sunday! Have a great time you and enjoy! Flowers

Chocolatedaim · 02/08/2019 15:00

So pleased you are going on Sunday.

Enjoy 😊 xxx

justasking111 · 02/08/2019 15:00

Have a lovely break, you deserve it.

Alsohuman · 02/08/2019 15:02

Really good news. Don’t let her play any tricks to get you back a couple of days in.

whataboutbob · 02/08/2019 15:08

I’m very late to this but having been prime cared to a dad with dementia for five years, I would also have said do go. Three years in I had become a haggard, pathological carter who yelled at my kids at the drop of a hat. I needed 18 months of counselling to help me untangle why I was so wedded to caring for my dad and my bro ( mental illness) and claw back the ability to do things I enjoyed without feeling guilty. If ( and I hope it doesn’t happen) she ends up in hospital again while you are on hold, do not rush back. It might be the wake up call she and services need to make them realise she needs a care package beyond your good self.

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