We should be leaving to go on holiday today

[TheoriginalLEM]

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

Another one joining in the clamour for you to "Go, go go!!!!!"

All you are doing in enabling your not so dear mother - and letting down your dp and dd Who is more important: your mum or your dp or your dd?

If your mum truly cared about you, she wouldn't reject help from social services. Hell mend her

Show your dp and dd that you care about them . Don't continue the pattern, taught to you by your mum, which is what you would be doing if you made them feel guilty about "making you leave/go too far from your mum"

This is a turning point for many carers, wides, husbands etc.

The Hospital can now look for somewhere permanent for her to go to on discharge from the hospital or arrange a packange of care from her home.

You only have one life and I think you need a life without being her carer any more.

I work ten hour days and it has been so bloody awful at work this year.
I am at the end of my rope.
I need to do this. I am at breaking point.
My GP has been telling me for years to prioritise my mental health.
My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.
My Dd is 14 so really running out of time when she even wants to come on holiday with us.
She runs [DP] ragged too and he's at the end of his rope too.

Oh, OP, if you had a friend who confided this in you, what would you advise them? If you work 10 hour days plus spend a lot of time caring for your mother, when does your poor daughter get to spend any time with you? I'm not wanting to make you feel guilty about that, I'm just trying to get you to STOP feeling guilty about your mum.

She treats me like shit. - so she's not even grateful
She refuses to see her GP - her choice.

Social services have offered assistance, she has refused it all. - her choice
No one else will visit. ( her family wont have anything to do with her) - and why is that, exactly?

She has made her bed and she should lie in it. You are enabling her bad behaviour. She has capacity, she makes the choices, and it is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to protect her from the consequences. Honestly, you have done far, far more than any reasonably person would expect.

She is driving a wedge between you and your DP and DD. Do not let her do this. Why should she be more important than them?

For the sake of your own mental health, please go on holiday. Take your own doctor's advice - don't be like your DM and ignore medical advice.

Read up about FOG (fear, obligation and guilt.) Maybe start with Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Going on holiday will not be abandoning your mother or being a bad daughter or being mean or unreasonable on your part at all you know.

I come from a culture where we are expected to take care of our elders late in life.

I used to help take care of my grandmother who was utterly toxic.

I wouldn’t want my DC wasting their lives taking care of me, I hope I die before I become a burden on my children like that. I hope they never ever feel they need to put their lives on hold and their physical and mental healths at risk for me.
I would be so deeply upset if I knew my grandkids were missing out on fun and my daughter was killing herself for my sake.

Bloody well go on holiday, and have a rest and think about how you will handle this situation moving forward as you cannot continue in this vein.

I'm going to take a different approach, everyone is right. You should go, but if it's going to play on your mind and ruin your holiday, why don't you go to Norfolk for the weekend but resolve that this enabling of your mum needs to stop and get the ball rolling after your holiday to extract yourself a bit from her. This is the last time she's going to ruin your plans. Promise yourself.

Your Mum has made choices and is relying on everyone pandering to her. Do not do this. Get in the van and go away. I guarantee that if you stay, she will be miraculously better by tomorrow. Been there, feel your pain. Please go on holiday - think of your daughter/OH. They don't deserve this.

Skipped to end because I want to know if the op has gone!
Please go my love. You need and deserve it. And it will remove some of the resentment you quite rightly feel, and equip you to face what’s ahead. So actually it’s in your mums interests too.

Fuck going for the weekend, LEM, have a proper holiday. God knows you need it.

Please please please go on holiday, put yourself first. I bet your anxiety will calm down once you aren't manipulated by her. I think this will give her the shock she needs to see you won't be walked over.

You are not at fault in this, she is the manipulative one NOT YOU!

Another one saying just go. You deserve it, your family deserves it, and god knows you need a break!

If she does kick off, the hospital will have to refer to SS or other agencies, and her behaviour/abuse will be documented (which I'm guessing doesn't happen when she does it to you).

You have to look after yourself and your family too, and not be guilt tripped/emotionally blackmailed into making yourself ill. You matter too!

oh op you need to do this.you cannot continue like this you will eventually drop.ive seen it happen.and it might be a breakdown.a breakup.or an explosion or inner combustion.but it will happen.
this time away is what you need to top up your much deserved mental health.and to regroup with the time you need with your family.
and they need you.
and you need them
esecailly at a time like this.
anybody that cared for you would want your dd to have a holiday
they would want you t go and have some fun and chill time.
i have seen people who have full time carers and they go out their way to give back to them.to make it a give and take and always always let them have their breaks if they can.this is how those full tie caring between family works.their is always the love and appreciation and the trying to give back even the tiniest amount they can n whatever form.and your dm isnt doing this for you and its not fair.
that how it should be,how love works.

Just go she will probably stop kicking off once she realises you won't be there to look after her anyway. At least if she is there she is captive audience for social care and she might just decide that their services are preferable to enforced hospital stay.

It's very easy to say just go, doing it is another thing entirely but of course your mum obviously knows this op, she won't be expecting you to go anywhere at all so a short sharp shock will make her realise you aren't going to be manipulated so easily. I really hope you are off somewhere, it's not too late and I'm in Scotland the weather isn't that bad if you do decide to go for it

You poor thing. I've only read page one and have to do something else now but will try and read the rest later.

I don't know how ill your mother is at the moment - if she is very ill, I can say, "It won't be for much longer", but if the prognosis is good, the opposite would apply.

I hope you've managed so far to keep your mother in hospital and please do book yourself another break in the not too distant future. You need that, to nurture yourself.

Drop the cat off at a cattery and go.

@TheoriginalLEM I am in a very similar position, and have had to go NC for the last week as I had a complete mental breakdown. It was bad enough that I am now under the care of the MH Crisis Team.

Just go, she is safe where she is and you need to basically rest and reboot your brain (Thats what the MH people told me anyway). I know that the guilt is horrific, but you need to do this for yourself, and your DD.

Where about in the country are you op? Quite tempted to drive down there and pack your bloodly van myself. Just imagine how many people on the internet you'll make happy by going on holiday.

Go on Lem, get packing and ENJOY your holiday with your family

Ive cared for elderly parents.

If she was terminally ill it would be a different chorus.

Just go. And then when you get back make sure you don't visit every day. Start with at least one day off a week and scale up from there
Go!

"My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly."

But there's no need to be at all as there is nothing (other than yourself) stopping any of you from going on holiday.

"She runs [DP] ragged too and he's at the end of his rope too."

I hope he also starts to say no to her-presumably he's doing it for your sake?

OP, from someone with a similar parent... Go on your holiday. You and your family deserve it.

If she was terminally ill it would be a different chorus.

Not necessarily, in particular if there's a long decline. MILs final 'second day of the holiday' crisis was to die... but the nursing home was adamant that we were right to have gone. You can't put life on hold forever, especially not if you've got kids.