We should be leaving to go on holiday today

[TheoriginalLEM]

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

Dry your tears OP..refocus your feelings of sadness and turn it into anger...use it productively ..refuse to be brow beaten any longer and sort this mess out and the hold your mother has over you and go!
Why should you be treated like this?
Is it fair?
What have you done to deserve this?
Why you?
Why are you accepting this punishment cos thats what it is? You are being punished,,held under control and blackmailed Why?
and why are you letting it happen to your husband and daughter too?
Anger is what you need here to filter out the truth and be able to deal with it...
Say NO MORE from today and mean it...it will not make you a bad person.
that is what you truely deserve...respect,gratitude for all you have done and co operation.

Stop enabling her bad behaviour. Show your child(ren) that selfish behaviour isn't rewarded. Go on holiday.

I believe in supporting family... but still say GO.

You are a lovely daughter and quite different from your Mum.
However, if you stay:
... you are not listening to medical advice about your own health
... and you are not putting your daughter(+partner) first.
Sound familiar?

Hospitals are used to plans changing. There are always delays and new directions. Just tell them you have to go. You do. You can't keep this level of care up. If you are not there - arrangements will be made and your Mum will have to turn to the services she requires. Be tough to be kind.

You dont seem to realise that you are demonstrating the same cycle of behaviour toward your own daughter now. The disappointed, the refusal to follow through with solutions to problems.. it's sad.

Good point.
Everyone is telling you what you should do to alleviate your problems. You are refusing/finding it difficult to take notice of this good advice, even though you know deep down its what you should do. You are reacting emotionally- just like your mother is doing. Instead you need to apply common sense and look out for those dependant on you, ie your dd.
Your mother has been assessed as capable. She can choose to accept help from others or not. That is her choice to make. She shouldn't get to choose for you. You give of yourself what is sensible and doable. Then she chooses how she reacts to it.

I do hope that you and family go away camping,, you asked peoples opinions,and it's a 100% yes from all, including me ! You deserve a nice break from being a carer all the time.

Because of your Mothers attitude,she probably thinks her needs are the most important,but you must get away for a break,and not feel guilty about anything. I am sure that you can judge if she will be ok whilst you are away.

"I believe in supporting family... but still say GO."

There's supporting & well, being used/made a mug of isn't there?

I'm abroad & remember staff being incredulous that I couldn't be on hand for my parent being discharged from hospital.

It just can't be the case that every older parent has an adult child on hand/able to drop everything.

My question was also that if I was needed -were they fit to be discharged?

Another stranger on the internet saying - GO!
It doesn't even matter where. Devon is nice, as is Dorset. Heck, anywhere. Just go!

... you are not listening to medical advice about your own health
... and you are not putting your daughter(+partner) first.
Sound familiar?

Exactly right, I'm afraid.

Your mum will be fine. Or she won't. Your health is AS IMPORTANT as hers - more important to you, frankly.

Please for the sake of your own sanity and your DD's and DPs Please GO> Your GP has already said you need a break. So you have his permission and you can tell that to the hospital.
All carers need respite and this is yours, grab it with both hands.

DO NOT ring the hospital and tell them Sunday... or do anything to facilitate her thinking she can SELF discharge.. if the hospital thought she should stay, why help her leave by being available. Tell them you will be unavailable..

I thought I read that she has other family but they will not visit - they have you to do the job for them - make sure you leave the hospital a full list of their names and contact details.

So many people have said if you go, you will probably get more help. Who cares what a nurse thinks of you going on holiday. you don't even know what she's thinking anyway. She's probably more than understanding your position and if she isn't - so what, she doesn't know your circumstances.
Its more important what your DD thinks of her lovely, kind mum.
Please give yourself permission. Let the hospital handle your mum. I suspect she's not as capable as you all think. She sounds highly irrational and unbalanced and her illogical decisions mean that she does need extra care. Let the professionals handle it. She will still be there when you get home, but maybe that is when you can start to make proper plans and get more help.
Take your lovely family and head for the hills. You will never get this time back, don't sacrifice it when you don't have to. Stop worrying what other people think of you or what she will say about you. You have already done more than enough. You do not deserve this stress.
GO!!

Just go. Your Mum is safe and you need to prioritize yourself and DD. You need a holiday so please go.
For what it's worth I'm a HCP and have seen the situation alot. Patient can't be discharged home because there is no one there to care for them. It is what it is - go!

I came on here expecting to say you have a difficult situation and it’s hard to know what to do for the best.

Having read the thread and your updates, I actually think it’s very clear what the right thing to do is. Your mother is competent to make decisions, and has refused help when it has been offered. The rest of the family refuse to engage with her nonsense.

There comes a point as our parents get older when the roles have to reverse and they become the child and we have to parent them. Your moment has come, so you need to start dictating what is going to happen. I’m telling you nicely to put your big girl pants on, calmly state you need your break and you are going away and then do it. Your mother is being manipulative, so you become the parent and calmly state the boundaries.

Think of yourself in that role and it will be easier. Think of it as acting the role until it becomes natural to you. Good luck.

OP just go. She can stay on hospital until you get back and say you wont take charge until her care package is in palce

Definitely go, she will either be kept n or manage by herself either way you must have the holiday otherwise you will be resentful and I'll.mtheres a reason her family gave dumped her .

another saying that you need to put your DD and yourself above this selfish woman who happens to be your mother and who has not accepted other available help.

MIL had some narc tendencies and in the last couple of years of her life (in a nursing home, fortunately) invariably had a crisis on the second day of every holiday we had - according to the staff it was quite a common phenomenon. But she'd always insisted we should go as she would consciously put DD first. Expecting adult children to help within their capabilities (which frankly your mother sounds to have exceeded) is one thing - but doing so at the expense of their grandchildren, no way.

Prepare calmly tomorrow, go on Sunday and have a lovely break.

You do realise, LEM, that you are enabling your DM to act in the way that she does?
Time for change if you want things to be different.
This would be the PERFECT time for you to go on holiday, safe in the knowledge that your DM is in a place of safety.
GO, GO, GO woman and stop pandering to her.
Phone the ward to tell them you are away, then turn off the phone.

That nurse did her job; she didn't do you a huge favour or anything like that.

I would definitely go. I'd leave a message with the ward and say that your GP has told you you need a break otherwise you'll have a breakdown. Then set off and have a lovely holiday.

You are so tired you are not thinking clearly, you really need to go for all the reasons upthread.

Go!

If you decided not to go, Op-would your husband & daughter go without you?

Just go. And I say that as someone who cared for their parents for years.

Go on holiday. Do you plan on reading a good book or two while sitting outside your tent? Sounds fantastic. Book in one hand , coffee in the other. Watching your dd having fun making new friends at the campsite. Making happy memories . You need to go . You need to recharge. You need to look back at happy times with your own family. Enjoy

Go. I also care for an elderly mother, and the one thing I have learnt is not to take it all on my shoulders. Tell you mum you are off to Scotland, and if she choses to self discharge you won't be around.

Step back. Let her be responsible for the consequences of her decisions.

You can't pour from an empty jug - you need a break and time with your family.

Please go. This could be an opportunity for you. Your DM is safe in hospital right now. So she either continues there, or she goes home and chooses not to accept support. That's her choice.
It will bring matters to a head. SS, GP etc will be forced to get involved.
In the meantime, you can choose to prioritise your own wellbeing and relationship with your DD and DP.
Please go and ditch the guilt. You are not putting her in danger or discomfort. You are putting your family first and perhaps this will move the situation a step towards better support for you.

LEM. Come ON. This is your chance.

Ring the hospital now. Explain that you have been caring for her for years; that it’s taken such a toll on your mental health that although you thought you could step up again; you’ve thought it through and you just can’t. That you’re very sorry to change what you previously agreed but you cannot provide care for your Mum on discharge and that you are going away for a week to rest.

Then send your Mum a message to the same end.

Then start packing and go tonight/tomorrow. Let yourself have a few days to recover and then start to think about what you can and can’t do long term.

Please do it LEM. This is a gift of an opportunity to make a change and they don’t come along all that often.

Your poor DD. Noone cares about her, its ALL about selfish granny. Mum only cares about selfish granny, Dad only cares about selfish granny.... noone gives a toss about DD. Poor kid.

You absolutely must go on this holiday OP.