We should be leaving to go on holiday today

[TheoriginalLEM]

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

I would spend the day sorting the van and go tomorrow.
Ring the ward and tell them you're going today as her behaviour is affecting your anxiety.
Tell them what you'll be able to do, eg order food online etc. You could order her prescriptions online and get them delivered.
Decide what's acceptable to you so that you feel in control.

OP what would you advise a friend to do? If you saw she was in an intolerable situation that was killing her mentally? Be your own best friend.You are living a lie,not even being able to say you were going away for a few days because of the repercussions...You need some peace you really do.This could go one for many many more years..you need to sort it now.Give it a big push,,,embrace the guilt and get it sorted...sorted for you ..sorted for your husband and sorted for your daughter...Tell your mum what is happening and why,If she has one ounce of dignity and respect she should understand...if she doesnt you havent lost anything have you she can suck it up of her own volition.

If you collapse due to exhaustion who is going to look after your mother? The professionals, whether she likes it or not. You MUST look after yourself first. It's very hard being selfish in this way but if you want to continue being her carer you have to care for yourself first, then her. If she is in hospital, be at the end of a phone call from her consultant/medical care team but stop putting your life and the lives of your family on hold. Based on your last post at 10:53, your mother really doesn't have any objections to screwing up your plans. Time to stand your ground and keep your plans on course and she can be looked after by professionals while you get some necessary down time.

Scotland isn't that far. Really it isn't. Make the necessary arrangements now and GO!

You must do what is right for your family. I watched my mum look after her mum to the detriment of the family. She concentrated so much on her mother that she never noticed dad was ill. Her mum died and dad followed a few months later.
The life my mum thought she'd get once her mum died (travelling etc) never came.

I hope you're going OP, it sounds like you really need a break.

GO GO GO

You need help to get over your guilt.

And to start thinking of your daughter & husband.

Of course you should go on holiday & tbh I think that you should pack & head off somewhere today.

SS will sort something out-they will have to!

My MiL had to have carers 2x daily after a stay in hospital last year a son she was getting very confused with her myriad meds and making herself more ill (she has COPD).
You have to step back, show that she's cannot look after herself, then ask again for a care package.

Go.
Why should your DD miss out on her holiday ? - she should be the most important person in your life.

Other pp are so right - your DD needs your love and attention and you need a break. Go and have fun with your DD.
Let the ward staff know your away and then turn off your phone

Go and enjoy your holiday, she will have to stay in hospital until then, maybe even for the best if they think she should

Another here saying go. Put your own MH and your family first.

Spend today packing and set off first thing tomorrow. Leave your phone at home or switched off.

Go!! I know what it's like to be sole carer and that was only temporary but for months at a time. My mum had some help from social services for a short time. Just go. It will show your mum that she needs help. If they don't discharge her they don't 🤷🏼‍♀️ She's not your problem. She has capacity. Look after yourself and your dd first.

My mum has refused the care packages and social services have stepped back. She doesnt need care per se she just needs to go to the dr when she is sick and she refuses to. Her medical needs are complex and I have to medicate her pain and anxiety from the pharmacy trying to avoid drug interaction.

Honestly- no, you don't. She has capacity. She also has the mental capacity to know what she is going to you, and to her grandchild, and doesn't care. She can cope, she just doesn't want to when she has servants to boss around.

Please go. Regain some mental space for yourself, some time for your child and your partner. You will crack otherwise and then who will suffer? Your family, your child.

It's not your job to sort your mum but you are enabling her.
She treats you like this because you let her.
I understand you feel guilty but you need to stop making excuses and start saying no to her.

Agree

I think that going on Sunday is the right idea. Why not use today to make arrangements: many pharmacies will make up dosset boxes with all of the medication set out for each day and will deliver it. You could get some shopping in for your Mum today. Arrange for a neighbour to feed the cat. Tomorrow do something for you or you and your DD and DP. Then on Sunday go on holiday with a clear conscience- you have done as much as humanly possible and far more than many.

Go on holiday. You need a break. She is being cared for. They might be able to get a temporary place in a care home while you are away. Ring social services to get some carers for her. This is an unfair burden to put on you. Also it will stop your Mum being so isolated. Please promise me that you will go on holiday.

Not RTFT

just fucking go, LEM

seriously

I like the pp who said that in an airplane the advice is to put your own oxygen mask on before you help others with theirs.

You need to look after your own mental health. Then put on your dd's oxygen mask. Your mum had been assessed as capable. She needs to put on her own mask with a little bit of help from SS. You won't be able to help much as you'll be busy putting on dd's mask for her.

I would just go.

I disagree with what a pp said. Yiu are not being a good role model to your dd. You are putting your mother's needs before your own and your dd's, showing her those are less important than someone who treats you very badly.

Youd mother is safe where she is. If she behaves as she does there are consequences. It is not your fault if she chooses to refuse help. Neither does it make it your responsibility.

Please go on holiday! Deal with your mother when you get back.

You should just go. You and your daughter both deserve much better than you will ever get from your mother. She will never be grateful and she will only ever expect more. I have learned that adults have the right to make stupid decisions for themselves - even if they are potentially dangerous. Sometimes it works in their favour, re- getting the medical help that they need. If you’re not around to step in for her, maybe this can happen. X

Another "go!" from me, TheoriginalLEM.

Be brave, I know it's hard though. But remember, she doesn't appreciate the sacrifice you're making by not going. What have you got to lose?

because it's shit caring for someone who doesn't appreciate what you're doing.

Another one saying just go, you need to look after your own MH and family.