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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think it is not normal for a married man to go out to bars until 5am on the weekend and go away for the weekend to party with single friends?

130 replies

MamaandTiti · 01/08/2019 23:03

My husband and I have been together for a few years and we have a little girl who is 2. My husband and I have always believed that it is important for a couple to maintain their own friendships and have never seen anything wrong with spending some time apart with friends. However, over the last few months my husband has started going out a LOT more and staying out much later than before. I mean my husband will leave the house at 6pm and tell me he is going to a sports bar to watch a game, and return home at 5am when the sun is coming up. This has happened many times recently and almost every Friday or Saturday for the last two months.
We just returned from a week away during which it was my husband's birthday. The very day we returned home, he told me he felt he needed 'space' and he needed to go out to celebrate his birthday. It seemed like he was a bit sick of our company to be honest, and particularly our toddler who is going through a challenging phase. But that aside, I had no issue with this, until he said 'Ok, great. So I am going to Paris for the weekend. I'll leave Friday and be back Sunday night.' Now I know that his friends in Paris are from his single days, and most are still living a bachelor life. In my eyes 2 nights away partying with single friends who go out to pick up women is not a great place for a married family man. I voiced my concerns and my husband went nuts. He told me I am crazy, paranoid and controlling. I absolutely do not want to be those things, but in my head it is right that certain behaviours change once you get married. I just feel like he wants to live like a single man on the weekends and it makes me feel insecure. Also, for the record my husband was unfaithful a while back and even though we have moved on, this is definitely on my mind. He met her in a bar and built up a sexting relationship for a few weeks which ultimately led to him telling me he was going to a work party but in fact, he took her out to dinner and to a hotel. He returned home at 4am that night.

Am I just being annoying and crazy or do I have the right to be concerned?

OP posts:

RadioSpice · 01/08/2019 23:07

I would be concerned too if I were you.

merlotqueen · 01/08/2019 23:08

YANBU. He is taking the piss. I'd be livid, he wants a single life, let him have one. Tell him to pack more than a weekend bag.

katiedoc · 01/08/2019 23:09

Not every weekend but now and again I don't see the problem.

You can go out too or go away with friends. Marriage shouldn't mean people can't still have friendships outside the marriage.

Bebelicious · 01/08/2019 23:09

Even if you were just married this would be completely unfair and selfish (regardless of the previous cheating, which just adds am extra layer of wtf to it!)
But the fact that he's a father??? He has a little 2 year old and he's out until 5am, and then I'm assuming, sleeping off a hangover the next day while you look after her?
I'm all for independence too, and we both have the odd night out separately, would be home max 1am. YANBU

helpconfused · 01/08/2019 23:10

I'd be thinking he was up to no good again after going through similar

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 01/08/2019 23:10

I doubt she was the first or last. Sorry.

screentime · 01/08/2019 23:11

I’m so sorry OP, but you have put up with this for way too long already. He sounds absolutely hideous and cruel. Trust your instincts. I think you have to move on from him. I’m so sorry.

Tigger001 · 01/08/2019 23:12

I think with his history you have a right to be concerned.
I dont however think you have the right to disallow him from visiting his friend. Hes an adult, you married him., you dont own him

You can quite rightly say, I dont want to be with someone who behaves like this" if he continues its over

It speaks volumes that he doesn't want to be at home with you and your DD, my DH would not do anything he thought would upset me like this, I wouldn't have to tell him what to do, just sat I'd prefer him not to.
The problem is once someone has cheated , can you really 100% forgive and forget, forgive maybe but I doubt the forget part

DeeCeeCherry · 01/08/2019 23:12

He's got another woman. Romantic weekend in Paris whilst you're sat at home with child. I wouldn't be passive in your shoes. Divorce & CSA is what I'd be looking into.

AnyFucker · 01/08/2019 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Longdistance · 01/08/2019 23:13

Bloody hell! I’m really relaxed about my dh going out and socialising, rugby, cricket, football, golf, climbing twatty hills, but this takes the piss.

Op, you have to say something and put your foot down.
Is he asking, or just saying ‘I’ve booked x’?
If he’s not asking, he bloody well should be. He’s spending family money on these nights out, so shouldn’t just assume you’d be ok with it. Your list sounds excessive.

Paddingtonthebear · 01/08/2019 23:13

He’s already cheated on you. Sorry but what do you think is happening here?

He doesn’t want the life he has. It’s horrible to hear but unfortunately so true for many men. They can’t cope with family life, they resent it, they just want fun and to do what they want. They will do some parenting but not much. They are, frankly, shit.

You need to decide what sort of life you want, OP. I feel bad for you, you don’t deserve this.

chipsandgin · 01/08/2019 23:14

I genuinely can’t understand why anyone would continue a relationship after cheating. Clearly you condoned it last time so he knows he can get away with it, it’s only a matter of time before it happens again..

TwistyTop · 01/08/2019 23:16

No, this behaviour is weird and concerning. It's totally fine for him to occasionally do a big night out with his mates, or a weekend away, but the way he's going about all of this is suspicious, especially given his history and the fact that he's blown up at you and gotten so angry at you questioning his sudden change in behaviour.

TapasForTwo · 01/08/2019 23:17

He is behaving like a single man. His response is typical of someone who is playing around.

You are not crazy, paranoid or controlling. He is gaslighting you. Time to pack his bags and tell him not to bother coming back.

PicsInRed · 01/08/2019 23:17

He's having an affair, lovely. I'm so sorry.
He's been at it for quite some time.
It may even be the same woman.

Don't just sit there and wait, passively, to be walked out on. Speak with a good solicitor and make sure you know (and have documentation of) the family finances.

chipsandgin · 01/08/2019 23:17

(& no, not normal- I’m all for some independence & spending time with friends but he is taking the piss. You deserve better - it doesn’t sound like it’s worth saving but if you really think it is then ask for some respect & teamwork parenting).

Froglette16 · 01/08/2019 23:20

Tell your DH that it would be great to go to Paris with him! It’s a lovely city for small children. And you could get a Hotel together, do activities in the daytime, he can meet his mates in the evening etc. His response will tell you all you need to know. I’m so sorry, but it screams mistress to me. Big hugs to you and the little one. ❤️❤️❤️

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 01/08/2019 23:25

He's already single- he just hasn't told you yet.

Sorry OP, this is not normal and is completely disrespectful to you and your family. Toddlers are challenging, that's par for the course, but his behaviour isn't. He's running away as fast as his snakey backside can.

I don't normally jump on the LTB bandwagon but he's cheated and he can't wait to get away. What's there to keep him around for?

shuthefrontdoor · 01/08/2019 23:31

I think he may be at it again unfortunately OP x

EKGEMS · 01/08/2019 23:34

Make your weekend apart useful-pack his shit up and tell him to gtfo of your house and your life and to move in with one of his bachelor friends

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 01/08/2019 23:36

He's not exactly taking his fair share of childrearing and care, is he? That would be my biggest problem with his behaviour. Fucking off for 3 days at less than a week's notice because he needs to recover from holiday with his wife and child ffs. I'd make your plans to be away next weekend, OP. Fair's fair

buttertoasty · 01/08/2019 23:40

He is probably up to no good again I am sorry. He shouldn't be going out that much and to be honest should be putting that effort into the relationship with his wife.

I think you need to make some difficult decisions.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 01/08/2019 23:44

Jesus, pack his bags for him and tell him to feck off, what a twunt

Original poster

MamaandTiti · 01/08/2019 23:52

Hello Mumsnetters

Thanks for your responses. Almost all of you have echoed the thoughts in my own head. 😞 I absolutely DO believe that couples can have time apart with friends, and as someone pointed out I don't own him, or him me. This is what our marriage was like for a long time. We both went out and even went on the odd holiday with friends. It was great. I only started to feel insecure since he cheated. It is really hard to forget. @chipsandgin I did not condone the cheating. It was awful and I left with my girl for a while. We went through some counselling sessions and I decided to give a second chance because I didn't want to be a broken family. It isn't always a cut and dry decision after infidelity. But anyway, yes my fear is it is happening again. The signs are there and if you ladies/gents can see them too then I know it isn't in my head. What a nightmare. The last thing I want is to be broken up. Anyone have any ideas on how to catch a cheater? Last time it was totally by accident. An outlook notification with the hotel reservation reminder popped up while I was using the laptop. Otherwise I wouldn't have known for sure. I'd like to get proof but he guards his phone with his life, so I cant just look in there..

OP posts:

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