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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it is not normal for a married man to go out to bars until 5am on the weekend and go away for the weekend to party with single friends?

130 replies

MamaandTiti · 01/08/2019 23:03

My husband and I have been together for a few years and we have a little girl who is 2. My husband and I have always believed that it is important for a couple to maintain their own friendships and have never seen anything wrong with spending some time apart with friends. However, over the last few months my husband has started going out a LOT more and staying out much later than before. I mean my husband will leave the house at 6pm and tell me he is going to a sports bar to watch a game, and return home at 5am when the sun is coming up. This has happened many times recently and almost every Friday or Saturday for the last two months.
We just returned from a week away during which it was my husband's birthday. The very day we returned home, he told me he felt he needed 'space' and he needed to go out to celebrate his birthday. It seemed like he was a bit sick of our company to be honest, and particularly our toddler who is going through a challenging phase. But that aside, I had no issue with this, until he said 'Ok, great. So I am going to Paris for the weekend. I'll leave Friday and be back Sunday night.' Now I know that his friends in Paris are from his single days, and most are still living a bachelor life. In my eyes 2 nights away partying with single friends who go out to pick up women is not a great place for a married family man. I voiced my concerns and my husband went nuts. He told me I am crazy, paranoid and controlling. I absolutely do not want to be those things, but in my head it is right that certain behaviours change once you get married. I just feel like he wants to live like a single man on the weekends and it makes me feel insecure. Also, for the record my husband was unfaithful a while back and even though we have moved on, this is definitely on my mind. He met her in a bar and built up a sexting relationship for a few weeks which ultimately led to him telling me he was going to a work party but in fact, he took her out to dinner and to a hotel. He returned home at 4am that night.

Am I just being annoying and crazy or do I have the right to be concerned?

OP posts:
TanMateix · 02/08/2019 07:02

Oh... and stop the “child in a broken home” bollocks... children live happy in happy homes, homes of unhappy married couples are far a worse place to live than with happy parents in separate houses.

neveradullmoment99 · 02/08/2019 07:02

Oh dear. Doesnt look good. Sound like he is cheating on you. Have it out with him. This would spell the end of a relationship to me. Goodluck Flowers

StoppinBy · 02/08/2019 07:05

I thought you were BU until I saw that he has previously cheated on you.

YANBU in those circumstances and he is BVU to not be able to see why you might have an issue with it.

giantnannyknickers · 02/08/2019 07:05

I've been where you are; and it was a 22 year old french student while I was at home with a 2 year old and pregnant with his second child.

Holding your hand because I know how you must be feeling right now.

You both deserve sooooo much more. It's a horrible excuse for a man and a husband.

Monty27 · 02/08/2019 07:05

Do you know these friends have you met them and do you get along with them?
Do you trust him.
You don't sound very happy OP. Brace yourself whilst telling him to ftfo
Flowers

MaybeitsMaybelline · 02/08/2019 07:05

I would use Paris as an opportunity to clear the house of myself, Dd and our belongings.

hereforasillygoosetime · 02/08/2019 07:08

Why do you need 'proof' he is cheating OP?

Isn't his behaviour enough to make you leave him regardless?! He's treating you like shit, living the single life being utterly selfish.

There is nothing to stay for. Don't make the mistake of staying with an utter fucknugget because you have a DC together.

Have some respect for yourself and for your child and move on to better things.

Pineapplefish · 02/08/2019 07:09

Even if he isn't currently cheating on you, this behaviour is totally unacceptable. I'm in favour of having friends outside the marriage etc, and I would have no problem with him socialising occasionally and even the trip to Paris, as long as things are fair. YOU need to be able to have a weekend away with friends and leave him with DD. What would happen if you suggested that OP?

owlonabike · 02/08/2019 07:09

OP, sorry you’re being treated like this. I agree that he’s being unfaithful again. Please use the time he’s away to think about your future, and start collecting paperwork etc. Also, go to a sexual health clinic ASAP.
What a sad loser he is.

Timeandtimeagain42 · 02/08/2019 07:11

Don't bother to find evidence that he's cheating. How long ago was the incident where you left? You mention taking your dd so it's less than 2 years ago. To really move on from an affair you'd need the guilty party to commit long term to making you feel secure, attending counselling and winning back your trust. He is making no attempt to do this, by the sound of it. Plus he's selfish and a shit dad. You have all the evidence you need. You know what you need to do. Sorry you're going through thisThanks

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 02/08/2019 07:12

He finds parenting tough. Well boo hoo - join the club. Sounds like he’s checked out. Get your ducks in a row my friend.

Monty27 · 02/08/2019 07:13

Cheating or not get.rid

kmammamalto · 02/08/2019 07:14

I actually don't think the weekend away is the issue. My DH has been away several weekends this year for sport events, stag etc I'm about to head off for the weekend with my girls myself. Their relationship status has nothing to do with it, we trust each other and enjoy helping each other to be happy.
You don't trust him, quite rightly and that's where the issue is. He's never going to build your trust again if he behaves like that and he's not bothered by the sounds of it. I don't think you have moved on from the cheating honestly. You and your child deserve better

YouJustDoYou · 02/08/2019 07:18

Yes, because he'd be so so happy with you leaving him with the child every single weekend and swanning off on holidays. He's checked out of family life, op, like so many of them do. He just wants to live like His single mates.

Namechangedonceagain · 02/08/2019 07:19

I'm sorry to say that it seems really obvious what is going on and I thought this before reading that he had already cheated. Sorry OP.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 02/08/2019 07:19

I would use Paris as an opportunity to clear the house of myself, Dd and our belongings

Or clear the house of him??

longwayoff · 02/08/2019 07:20

I'm sorry, others will have said he's having an affair or looking for one. Acknowledge it and begin the process of separating yourself from him. He'll continue to abuse you in this way, persuading you that it's you at fault, until you're a wreck. Please don't allow it to happen to you.

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2019 07:21

You don’t need proof this relationship is over you just need to tell him to leave
He is never there
He is verbally abusive
He calls your daughter annoying
That is enough proof

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 02/08/2019 07:23

Oh OP, no this is not normal, and you know this. Every now and then absolutely - my DH and I go away for weekends with our friends at least once a year and nights out but we have a family and responsibilities.

I thi k it is highly unlikely that your DH is cheating....

UniversalAunt · 02/08/2019 07:25

Both you & your daughter deserve a better man about the house (& more often).

Alas, it seems that he is either monstrous self-absorbed &/or mean, &/or is having no an affair.

I am the first to suggest seeing a relationship counsellor when relationships get choppy, but you have been there, done that .

Oh, am I torn between hiding his passport or phone or using the time he is away to gather all relevant documentation you will need for a solicitor & a better life ahead. Sensibly, I’d go for getting your documentation ducks in a row.

longwayoff · 02/08/2019 07:27

Ohhhh. Just seen you want to 'catch him at it'. Don't bother it will only make you feel worse. If we can see it, so can you.

Morgan12 · 02/08/2019 07:27

Breaking up a family is horrendous. And you will suffer too because of shared childcare. Shared holidays/Christmas etc. And its shit. But you can't waste your life on this man child. He is a prick. A cheating prick who seems to be doing nothing to make up for his last indiscretion and nothing to reassure you at all. He can't just swan off to Paris for a weekend ffs. Tell him no. Say you need a break so you will go away instead and see how he reacts. Because surely this free time works both ways?

Honestly, make your moves to leave him. And what bars are open till 5am? Does he do coke?

Intheupsidedown · 02/08/2019 07:31

My ex cheated on me...he begged me to take him back so I did...

Low and behold he did it again. But he behaved just as you described op. Telling me i was paranoid, it was in my head etc etc but I wasnt allowed to look at his phone blah blah. He also went away on weekends with the lads, alot of them. I eventually broke him and got out that he was in deed seeing a good friend of ours. In my situation there were no children though.

It really does sound like he is either seeing someone, especially if there is no evidence of the nights out like photos etc or he is trying to.

Sorry I didn't gather, are you married? Do you own the house with him?

Nanny0gg · 02/08/2019 07:35

You don't need to catch him out. He's not worth it.

Start organising your paperwork and get ready to split.

What's the housing situation now?

Constance1234 · 02/08/2019 07:37

Even he isn't cheating, the fact that he finds his own child annoying would be enough for me to want him out of my life!

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