AIBU to think it is not normal for a married man to go out to bars until 5am on the weekend and go away for the weekend to party with single friends?

[MamaandTiti]

My husband and I have been together for a few years and we have a little girl who is 2. My husband and I have always believed that it is important for a couple to maintain their own friendships and have never seen anything wrong with spending some time apart with friends. However, over the last few months my husband has started going out a LOT more and staying out much later than before. I mean my husband will leave the house at 6pm and tell me he is going to a sports bar to watch a game, and return home at 5am when the sun is coming up. This has happened many times recently and almost every Friday or Saturday for the last two months.
We just returned from a week away during which it was my husband's birthday. The very day we returned home, he told me he felt he needed 'space' and he needed to go out to celebrate his birthday. It seemed like he was a bit sick of our company to be honest, and particularly our toddler who is going through a challenging phase. But that aside, I had no issue with this, until he said 'Ok, great. So I am going to Paris for the weekend. I'll leave Friday and be back Sunday night.' Now I know that his friends in Paris are from his single days, and most are still living a bachelor life. In my eyes 2 nights away partying with single friends who go out to pick up women is not a great place for a married family man. I voiced my concerns and my husband went nuts. He told me I am crazy, paranoid and controlling. I absolutely do not want to be those things, but in my head it is right that certain behaviours change once you get married. I just feel like he wants to live like a single man on the weekends and it makes me feel insecure. Also, for the record my husband was unfaithful a while back and even though we have moved on, this is definitely on my mind. He met her in a bar and built up a sexting relationship for a few weeks which ultimately led to him telling me he was going to a work party but in fact, he took her out to dinner and to a hotel. He returned home at 4am that night.

Am I just being annoying and crazy or do I have the right to be concerned?

@Coffeeandchocolate9 - yes I thought the same! He actually did say 'I need a holiday from this holiday!'. The funny thing is he spent most of time relaxing by the pool whilst I kept DD entertained. He even went out for drinks by himself one evening until 2am!

@Longdistance - there was no asking at all. It was telling me not asking me.

@froglette16 - pretty sure I know the answer would be no right off the bat! He finds our daughter so annoying right now. It is hardwork, she is trying to assert herself and is not super cooperative even at the best of times, but as @BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil said; it is part for the course! It is just a phase and if I have to suck it up so should he! Cannot remember the last time I even went out to the post office alone though, nevermind a night out...!

Oh for FUCKS SAKE.

Sorry @MamaandTiti that isn't aimed at you but this thread has made me so angry. Why the fuck do men think it's ok to behave like this?

Why is it ok for them to stay out until all hours on a regular basis?
Why is it ok for them to assume the childcare is taken care of while they're having a lie in?
Why is it ok for them to lie around by the pool complaining about their hard life while the mother does all the actual work of child rearing?
Why is it even a sniff of acceptable that a man could be taking a step back from childcare because the TODDLER is "annoying" or "challenging"?

All the other stuff points, I'm afraid, to the likelihood that he is cheating, but even if he weren't he sounds fucking useless and a poor excuse for a husband and father. He is treating you like the Help and you don't deserve that.

Have my first ever LTB.

(Though tbf my ex is making my life hell at the mo, being a fairly ineffectual father and putting a lot of the burden of disciplineon me, so do bear in mind that I may be projecting just a touch)

He went out drinking on his own, on a family holiday with his wife and little daughter, until 2 am?

What an idiot.

What everybody else said, but also, when a man calls his wife crazy, paranoid, controlling etc. it means, “ I have done something wrong but I will deny it and pretend that you are the one at fault”.

Waste no more time with this drama queen. You don’t need a smoking gun to prove that he is cheating. You know that his behaviour is terrible. You tried counselling, fair play to you, but life is too short to stay married to somebody like that.

@MamaandTiti what?! He’s taking you for a ride.... and it doesn’t end well!

He’s s single man, living a single life, who just so happens to have a woman and kid at home.
That’s all there is to this.
Every weekend?!!

Think this is my first time, but, LTB. He’s selfish, has no interest in his marriage and the fact he was unfaithful to you and is “going nuts” when you try to talk to him... what on earth is your DD going to think of him (and you, mom the doormat) when she’s older.

My first LBT too....how bloody dare he treat you like this. Is this the type of man you'd want your daughter to end up with because he's a TERRIBLE role model.
Fair play you gave your marriage another chance but you and your girl deserve better. He's messed up big time so let him go and live his single life. Good luck

DH often goes out with his single male friends, until the early hours of the morning. We have a two year old, I’m fine with him going.

I would not be remotely ok with what your husband is doing. The fact he has cheated before is red flag number one, and frankly that’s a big enough flag he should be on his absolute best behaviour, and clearly he isn’t.

The other red flags: DH always discusses with me before agreeing to go out to make sure it’s not inconvenient for me, your DH tells you it’s happening and you have be no say in the matter. DH goes out once a month not every single Friday and Saturday, and when he is here he is a very committed parent who yes might get frustrated by DS, but never opts out of parenting. Your DH sounds like he is a shit and lazy parent even when he is present.

You don’t have to stay with such an unpleasant arsehole. There are far better men out there than this.

The downfalls of being a cool wife.

He’s taking advantage, he’s shagging others and he’s still living a single life while you bring up your dd.

Sorry you’re going through this. If you’re having unprotected sex with him please get tested ASAP.

My first LTB.

He’s behaviour is extremely suspicious. You also say he guards his phone with his life so it’s clearly full of damning evidence.

Can you get a babysitter one night and follow him?

To be honest.. if he has had an affair before, l don't think you need evidence today he's doing it again. His behaviour means he has opportunity. Even if he isn't shagging around, he's still taking the piss out of you and your family life together by doing this.

Let him go. Spend the weekend finding and copying all the relevant paperwork.
Payslips, tax returns, etc.
Read the relationships board on MN. There is lots of good advice there.
I am so sorry, but he has already checked out from being a husband and father.

Jeez. I grumble if my husband gets invited on top many stag dos.. eg more than about 3 in one year. I agree you should still both be able to socialise with friends, single or otherwise, but there aren't enough weekends in the year for us both to do everything with our friends the way OP's DH is or we would never get time together as a family with our son.

OP sorry but I would be very concerned. Haven't rtft yet but has anyone said LTB yet?

He finds our daughter so annoying right now.

I find your husband a lot more than annoying. . He’s an adult. Your dd is a child.

You are not controlling. I think you need some boundaries. You have none. The incessant going out and drinking is not right. I agree with others. His behaviour is highly suspicious. How open is the communication in your house? Dh and I can look at each other’s phones if we want... not that we do. How is yours with his phone? Is it permanently attached to him? Do you know the passcode? Not being open is also a suspicious trait. Ditto his email account.

Are you prepared to tell him none of this behaviour is ok and put in an ultimatum? It doesn’t sound like you are at that point right now.

No that is not normal it’s awful. Agree with the poster who said it’s over he just hasn’t told you yet. You’re like the help. So sorry op.

He says he needs 'space'. He went 'nuts' when you voiced your concerns. Niether of these is normal in a happy and healthy relationship. Sorry OP. I would have serious concerns if I were you. I would get your finances secure asap so he can't pull the financial rug out from under you.

Dear god OP he sounds like he's completely exhaustingly behaving like a total bastard.

My first LTB

I would, if you're that way inclined and need proof - forensically trawl through everything. Phone. Bank statements etc. You'll find your proof I'm sure - but irrespective of that you have a small child and he's previously committed adultery. He's not behaving nicely or respectfully of you and I suspect the calling you controlling etc is exactly what my ex husband did, when he was shagging the 23 year old from work while I worked 2 jobs and had 3 small children. Bastard.

Have you got access to finances? I would very seriously start getting your shit together. Form a plan. Find your proof. Kick him out.

I think he’s cheating on you, but even if he’s not he sounds like he’s trying his best to live a single life.

It doesn’t sound like you’re happy in this relationship either.

I feel quite strongly that once you have kids it’s not really ok to go off doing your own thing unless it’s for a short amount of time or a one-off, when a couple had young children they need to be there supporting each other. So a weekend away for a stag - yes, but a weekend away on your own because you fancy a break - not cool. An hour or two at the pub with your best friend once a week - ok, 10 hours out drinking on your own once a week - not ok.

This has affair written all over it sorry.

He doesn’t want to be a married family man.

Did he want to get married/ have DC?

I think both you and your little girl deserve more OP...Father of the year he is not nor does he seem to want to be.I am sorry but he sounds a loser and so what you dont need.

The fact he "needed space" is a red flag. He may not be planning to leave but he is not happy with married life for sure. I would formulate an exit plan and have contingency funds available because even if he resists an affair he is not going to be around for the long term. Sorry, but seen it too many times

I think he is probably cheating and if he isn't he is out looking..... sure it's fine for couples to do separate things but this is ridiculous and don't let him project otherwise. Never mind finding evidence. Big girl pants and try to have a calm conversation that his behaviour is not acceptable and why. Have a feeling he will get angry and blame you again but then you probably will know your answer....

We have our fair share of nights out away from one another, plus trips with friends, trips together and family time. I’m not left to deal with the children on family holidays, and neither of us just disappears off for he night either. Your husband is not only taking the piss but is being disgustingly disrespectful after you’ve been gracious enough to forgive his cheating. I’m sorry OP but do you really think that the one time you found out by accident is the extent of his deception?

It sounds like he has no respect for you either as his wife, as the mother of his child, or as a human being.

Sorry OP. I know that’s a really shitty thing to say, but what you’ve said here about him sounds dreadful. I hear it time and time again. Nobody wants their child to live in a broken home. But who wants their child to have a shit example of a father, who does nothing but disrespect their mother? THAT is what messes kids up. Not parents being separated. Parents treating each other like shit and them learning about relationships from that example.

I wouldnt go searching for proof ..you dont need any,The simple fact is he doesnt seem to give a toss about you or his little girl.Thats all you need to know anything else is irrelevant,He is not being a good dad or even trying to bring up his daughter correctly and he is being a shit husband to you.He sounds horrible.

I normally roll myeyes at people suggesting the possibility of another woman. But in this one... I’m pretty sure he has one.

All the signs are clear and present, then you mention he has cheated before. I’m sorry OP but I think he has already checked out. It would be a good idea to start putting your ducks in a row ASAP as he can leave sooner than you expect

YANBU to be concerned I would be too. The fact he went mad at you and levied accusations at you (controlling, paranoid) doesn’t make him sound any better.