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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think it is not normal for a married man to go out to bars until 5am on the weekend and go away for the weekend to party with single friends?

130 replies

MamaandTiti · 01/08/2019 23:03

My husband and I have been together for a few years and we have a little girl who is 2. My husband and I have always believed that it is important for a couple to maintain their own friendships and have never seen anything wrong with spending some time apart with friends. However, over the last few months my husband has started going out a LOT more and staying out much later than before. I mean my husband will leave the house at 6pm and tell me he is going to a sports bar to watch a game, and return home at 5am when the sun is coming up. This has happened many times recently and almost every Friday or Saturday for the last two months.
We just returned from a week away during which it was my husband's birthday. The very day we returned home, he told me he felt he needed 'space' and he needed to go out to celebrate his birthday. It seemed like he was a bit sick of our company to be honest, and particularly our toddler who is going through a challenging phase. But that aside, I had no issue with this, until he said 'Ok, great. So I am going to Paris for the weekend. I'll leave Friday and be back Sunday night.' Now I know that his friends in Paris are from his single days, and most are still living a bachelor life. In my eyes 2 nights away partying with single friends who go out to pick up women is not a great place for a married family man. I voiced my concerns and my husband went nuts. He told me I am crazy, paranoid and controlling. I absolutely do not want to be those things, but in my head it is right that certain behaviours change once you get married. I just feel like he wants to live like a single man on the weekends and it makes me feel insecure. Also, for the record my husband was unfaithful a while back and even though we have moved on, this is definitely on my mind. He met her in a bar and built up a sexting relationship for a few weeks which ultimately led to him telling me he was going to a work party but in fact, he took her out to dinner and to a hotel. He returned home at 4am that night.

Am I just being annoying and crazy or do I have the right to be concerned?

OP posts:
AmateurSwami · 02/08/2019 07:37

Am I just being annoying and crazy or do I have the right to be concerned?

Do you really need to ask this question?

LakieLady · 02/08/2019 07:40

There are 2 possibilities, imo: he's seeing someone else or he's an immature, selfish shit.

Either way, is this someone you want to be married to?

I'd be making plans to leave.

MamaFlintstone · 02/08/2019 07:40

I got married young and we both still went on nights out and boozy holidays with our friends. But now we’re a bit older and have a toddler and a mortgage, it doesn’t happen any more because we have more responsibilities to each other. We both still have nights out with friends but they’re occasional, and I wouldn’t be happy with the situation you’ve described, although I do agree that it’s important to maintain independent friendships.

MemorylikeDory · 02/08/2019 07:42

I thought OW before I'd even got to the part of him previously cheating. Let him go to Paris and use the time to get somethings in order 🦆🦆🦆. Be strong and make the best decision for you and your DC l, deep down you know what that will be.

SummerSix · 02/08/2019 07:43

Othwr woman

Gruzinkerbell1 · 02/08/2019 07:44

You’ve already caught him out and his behaviour hasn’t changed since then. You don’t need to catch him out again, he’s showing you every single weekend who he is.

You either accept that this is your life now, because he won’t change. Or you make a better life for yourself and your daughter without him.

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2019 07:47

He's not actually interested in being a Dad or having a family. He doesn't realise how much his life should change to accomodate your dc. He has no respect for you or your lives together

Ginger1982 · 02/08/2019 07:47

You don't need to catch him out. Why wait to that point? Infidelity is not the only reason to end a marriage. He has zero respect for you and clearly does not want to be part of family life. Pissing off to Paris for the weekend is not normal and yes, he probably does have a woman there.

You need to ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship. Sounds like nothing to me and you are allowing him to treat you like shit. You need to stand up for yourself and your DD.

GoGoGoGoGo · 02/08/2019 07:48

He’s cheating on you OP. May be with the same women, it could well be a different woman every time.

He wants to live the single life. He’s a shit excuse for a husband and a father. I wouldn’t be putting up with this shit.

nothingtowearever · 02/08/2019 07:49

My DH does this- he's never cheated and we don't have kids. If he had cheated or we did have kids then it would be a completely different story.

Smelborp · 02/08/2019 07:56

Even without the cheating part (which sounds bad, sorry) this isn’t okay.

In a sense he’s the controlling one. When he says he’s off for a weekend in Paris (which by the way is not relaxing), the unstated part of that is that you will be at home being the sole, responsible parent to a challenging toddler. When he swans off, it ensures you can’t.

After a history of cheating he should also be aware of how this would affect you but instead he is being defensive and accusing you of controlling behaviour.

None of this is good at all.

Whatsforu · 02/08/2019 07:57

One things for sure he is definitely trying to live the life of someone who is single. A pp said you don't own him no but he has responsibilities. Do you know it gets my back up when people say this. The responsibility is 50/50. How come more and more you read about men swaning off doing this and that and the woman is always left holdind the fort as it were.

BluePheasant · 02/08/2019 08:00

he guards his phone with his life

Oh I wonder why Hmm

OP don't waste your time trying to get proof, you don't need it. He's not making you happy and you can't trust him. That's enough. He's already cheated once that you know about and his behaviour indicates that he's either having an affair or he's out playing the single game every weekend.

He isn't putting you and his DD first. His reaction when you raise the issue speaks volumes. His priority is his social life and most probably other women while you stay at home wondering what he's up to. Don't let this be your future. Listen to all these sensible women and get rid of him.

You will be fine. DD will be fine. No more agonising over where he is or who he is with. Freedom.

BeanBag7 · 02/08/2019 08:01

Sounds like he could very well be cheating and, even if he isn't, he is hardly committed to you. What would his response be if you decided to swan off for a weekend abroad? Or if you came home at 5am after a night out? I'm assuming he wouldnt be OK with it.

NutellaFitzgerald · 02/08/2019 08:08

Your marriage was my marriage (minus a DD). At first in drive myself crazy trying to find proof of cheating. I found lots of clues but not the proof I felt I needed.
Then one evening it hit me: why does it matter whether he is or isn't cheating. His behaviour towards me is IN EVERY WAY as bad, damaging and cruel. IN the end I realised it didn't even matter whether he was with another woman or out with his mates. The end result: the neglect, the having checked out, that was the same.

Of course once I actually left he was all tears and I'll be better. I have him a 2nd chance but he soon returned to old ways. Typically coming home at 5 or 6am. Sometimes just showering, new shirt and off to work.
So second attempt I left for good. Again he begged but I knew it was over. For ME.
I did it for me. I deserved a husband not a roommate who occasionally remembers I'm here and says the right things.

Life and love now is great and I don't regret leaving him for a moment

PullingMySocksUp · 02/08/2019 08:08

I agree that the possible affair doesn’t really matter.
It doesn’t sound like he contributes at all.

Is there a handy ‘ducks in row’ guide out there somewhere that someone can post or is it all fairly obvious stuff?

omione · 02/08/2019 08:14

Are you burying your head in the sand ? Chances are he is cheating again, he will never change !

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/08/2019 08:25

Other woman or not, there is something very wrong with someone who cannot understand why you may have an issue with his behaviour.
Flip it around and think how he would react if you did the same..
From the cheating to the nights out every weekend, to relaxing around the pool to springing a Paris weekend....all because adulting has become too hard. Awww, poor lamb.
Foot down and ask him who died and made him boss in your marriage?
Why is all childcare down to you?
Why is it ok for him to go out until the wee small hours and not think once about you at home with your (plural) child?
Lovey, the disrespect and inconsiderate and dismissive behaviour is NOT normal in a healthy marriage and NOT acceptable.
He knows you fear a broken home and is using that against you

Please believe me when I say that your daughter will pick up the behaviour from you both and think it is normal for a relationship to run this way. Do you want this for her? Truly?
Separating is hard and upsetting, disruptive and deeply sad but.....
So is his behaviour. You can build a stable and happy home for her alone where respect and consideration are key. Teach her the right way not show her the wrong.
For her sake, do something to get back your self esteem. You both deserve so much more.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 02/08/2019 08:37

Constance, to be honest I find my kids annoying at times. I think the other stuff is more pressing.

FlamedToACrisp · 02/08/2019 08:43

Unfortunately, it IS normal for some married men to behave like this, but they don't stay married much longer!

If he was just a selfish, lazy arsehole and a useless father, he wouldn't need to guard his phone with such determination.

You know in your heart he is having an affair, possibly still having the same affair. You don't need proof, although you could try turning up unexpectedly at one of these 'sports bars' he claims to be visiting and see if he is really there. Or you could demand to see his phone, and take a refusal as proof that he's cheating. But what does it matter?

You and your DD need an ACTUAL husband and father, not a nominal post-holder. This weekend sounds like a very good time to sort out a separation. Be brave and get rid of him. Make an appointment to see a solicitor ASAP.

Constance1234 · 02/08/2019 08:52

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge I think we all do! But the fact he actively doesn't want to spend time with his child because of this is indicative of a big problem with his ability to be a decent father - and that would be a deal breaker for me irrespective of all the more pressing stuff.

Worrisomewart · 02/08/2019 08:56

Not ok at all. Dp and I both have our own social lives and friendships but they don't involve staying out all night or disappearing for weekends at a time. It's worrying that a) he wants to do this rather than spend time with his family b) he just assumes that you'll be there to pick up the slack at home and c) he still finds this sort of stuff enjoyable :/

What would happen if you decided to do this?

BetsyBigNose · 02/08/2019 09:15

@MamaandTiti - I am so sorry you and your DD are having to experience this, it must be soul destroying to work so hard on your marriage, to be so accommodating and understanding and then to be shat upon, from a great height, by the 'man' who had promised to "love you, forsaking all others".

I know you know this, but there is another woman or maybe he's picking up a new one regularly, but it's clear from what you've told us that you're not the only one in his life.

I’ve been on MN for around 2.5 years and I must give you my first 'LTB' - this is the 6th one you've had on this AIBU, out of just 90 posts (when I started typing this). I really do understand you not wanting your DD to have a 'broken home' and I agree that infidelity is not always cut and dried, but in this case, all the information you have shared with us points directly to him being unfaithful. You once gave him a second chance, but it doesn't sound like he's done anything to earn or deserve a third.

Do you have any supportive friends or family nearby? If I were you, once he had left for Paris today, I would invite one of them over to help (choose someone practical!), and start to ‘get your ducks in a row’ to separate from him. I'd start with your finances - you need to keep the 'everyday stuff' ticking over and keep a roof over you and your DD's heads, so make sure you have enough money to pay the rent/mortgage and bills for the next month or two (so you don't have to have in depth chats about money with him whilst everything is still so raw), if you have it available - is there cash in the joint account you could move into your own if you don't personally have any savings? When he returns from his romantic weekend away with another woman, you can be prepared to tell him you have decided to separate/divorce, you've packed him a bag to last a week or so and the rest of his stuff has been boxed up and he can text you to arrange a time which is convenient for you for him to collect them.

Next, I'd get a recommendation for a decent divorce specialist and make an appointment to speak to them on Monday (you might feel a bit too emotional to go over the whole story with a stranger today - although you've done pretty well here on Mumsnet - but of course, it's anonymous!)

I wish we were all wrong @MamaandTiti, but your 'D'H is treating you so appallingly - in a way which only comes from a place of disrespect and derision. His opinion of you is SO low, that he's treating you as if you're completely stupid and he thinks you won’t notice! He thinks that by calling you things like 'controlling' he will succeed making you think it's you that's being unreasonable (see how you were even questioning yourself on this thread over whether he was right and you were being controlling?! Newsflash: You’re not! He appears to be under the impression that you're so brain-dead, you'll accept his lies as the truth without question - he's clearly expecting you to completely believe what he's telling you whilst ignoring what the facts and your own instincts are screaming at you!

Think of the old cliché - what advice would you give a friend in your position? Good luck @MamaandTiti, I hope you and your daughter find the happiness and peace you so deserve. Flowers

And I hope the man you're (currently) married to gets gonorrhoea and his knob drops off. Grin

CoraPirbright · 02/08/2019 09:29

He guards his phone.....calls you paranoid and controlling......wants a lot of time away.......goes out til 5am.......

I am so sorry OP but it is ducks-in-a-row time. He is shagging around again and even if he isnt, how is his behaviour acceptable?? Ltb and start a new, brighter future. You deserve so much better than this.

Grumpos · 02/08/2019 09:41

Eh? Is this for real?

If your best friend or sister sat you down and told you this was their relationship what would you say?

I honestly can’t believe you haven’t kicked him out already.

Whether he is actively cheating on you or not is irrelevant, he doesn’t give two fucks about you or your child and is repeatedly showing you that every weekend. What else do you need to get the message that he does not want to be in this relationship?

Pack his stuff and let him go. How can you even consider continuing a relationship with someone who treats you with such utter contempt and distaste?

I really really despair at these posts. It’s heartbreaking that so many women allow this type of treatment to be their lives.

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