AIBU to think it is not normal for a married man to go out to bars until 5am on the weekend and go away for the weekend to party with single friends?

[MamaandTiti]

My husband and I have been together for a few years and we have a little girl who is 2. My husband and I have always believed that it is important for a couple to maintain their own friendships and have never seen anything wrong with spending some time apart with friends. However, over the last few months my husband has started going out a LOT more and staying out much later than before. I mean my husband will leave the house at 6pm and tell me he is going to a sports bar to watch a game, and return home at 5am when the sun is coming up. This has happened many times recently and almost every Friday or Saturday for the last two months.
We just returned from a week away during which it was my husband's birthday. The very day we returned home, he told me he felt he needed 'space' and he needed to go out to celebrate his birthday. It seemed like he was a bit sick of our company to be honest, and particularly our toddler who is going through a challenging phase. But that aside, I had no issue with this, until he said 'Ok, great. So I am going to Paris for the weekend. I'll leave Friday and be back Sunday night.' Now I know that his friends in Paris are from his single days, and most are still living a bachelor life. In my eyes 2 nights away partying with single friends who go out to pick up women is not a great place for a married family man. I voiced my concerns and my husband went nuts. He told me I am crazy, paranoid and controlling. I absolutely do not want to be those things, but in my head it is right that certain behaviours change once you get married. I just feel like he wants to live like a single man on the weekends and it makes me feel insecure. Also, for the record my husband was unfaithful a while back and even though we have moved on, this is definitely on my mind. He met her in a bar and built up a sexting relationship for a few weeks which ultimately led to him telling me he was going to a work party but in fact, he took her out to dinner and to a hotel. He returned home at 4am that night.

Am I just being annoying and crazy or do I have the right to be concerned?

There’s maintaining friendships at one end of the scale and your husbands behaviour is way off the charts at the other end. The fact he berates you for daring to raise this as an issue is actually quite chilling.

My DP works with a woman who does this. Every Friday night she goes out with one of the blokes from work (who also has a two year old and is getting married this year,) She has a dh and two kids at home and yet goes out every Friday night until 4/5 in the morning - there’s her, another girl from the office and the bloke.... She’s already told my DP that she kissed some bloke on a night out but that they decided not to take it further because she’s married (how magnanimous,) and has told DP that the other bloke in the group has been sending her 45 texts a day saying how much he wants her, and the list goes on.

She too has apparently also had an affair in the past. How her dh puts up with it I have no idea.

Yup, get the paperwork sorted and decide which option is beter for you and DC - for him to go or for you to go - then tell him what's happening. You don't need his permission or his co-operation to end the marriage and you and DC will be happier and better off without all the strain of a uselelss, selfish man around.

Thing is he has form. He’s already cheated and now is out all hours and doesn’t give a shit. He’s hardly proving to you that he’s trying to be a good husband and father. He’s not bothered OP.

I’d say that if he’s had an affair before this type of behaviour is extremely cruel. Of course he may not be up to anything but putting you in the position where you constantly worry what he’s up to is not on. He’s hardly trying his hardest to prove to you he’s trustworthy and in it for the long haul is he? Where on earth can you even go to 4-5am every weekend? If he’s out clubbing how is that appropriate once you have a family? How can you plan to do something nice with your family if you’ve had just a couple hours sleep and probably have a raging hangover?? Do you get a lie in or some time to yourself? I doubt it. It’s just all incredibly selfish and would cause huge resentment to any reasonable person.

Sadly it sounds like he's already checked out of your marriage but forgot to notify you.
Get the paperwork together, see a solicitor and LTB. Find someone who wants to be with you and will treat you and your daughter a whole lot better than he does!

Hello All

Sorry for my late response! It has been a busy day. So he left this morning to Paris, and I last heard from him on the phone at 3pm telling me he was going to a spa. Honestly, that made me so mad! I haven't had a spa day since I've had our daughter and I have asked for one countless times! I have tried to video call him since then as DD was asking for him before bed, but he didn't want to video chat and instead just text me to say 'busy, eating cant talk.'. DD is asleep now so no goodnight kisses from Daddy.
Anyway, that is by the by. I have been thinking about all of the comments you have left, and unfortunately I am inclined to agree that he is still shagging around. I had a sneaky suspicion it was not just that one girl that one time, and I am sure there have been others before and since. Seeing all your comments made me realise how obvious it has all been. I just didn't want to see it. My self-esteem has taken a battering since I discovered his affair and no, he is doing nothing to try to prove he is trustworthy. He does not really care at all. In fact he has on many occasions told me the fact I don't trust him is my fault, because I cannot move on. What a joke. 😞

My sister has been through this before so she is coming by tomorrow to talk about how she put her affairs in order etc..and I will have to go from there. I need it to be as smooth as possible as we do have joint assets and a joint savings account. I want to be able to take what is rightfully mine with as little drama as possible. Maybe that is wishful thinking?!

Anyway, thank you all for your time and encouraging, honest and kind words. Some of you wrote long posts that you really took time to write - I appreciate your extra time and care. But all of you were great with the comments - it was a wake up call for me and exactly what I needed. Thank you everybody. 💐💐

Good luck with getting rid of this wanker.

Good luck OP

You really do deserve better

Remember this is not some court case, you don’t need proof of anything affair wise. Just wanting more for yourself is enough of a reason. Your child deserves better too and it mate just be the wake up call he needs. Personally I’d be telling him whilst he’s away - making sure he knows it’s permanent

Whether he’s having an affair or not he’s a fucking gobshite. Glad you’re sending him
packing. Here’s to the rest of your life without this knobhead.

Defo make sure you have enough money set aside for you and your DD to get setup. I didn't and it spiraled into pretty severe financial abuse once I kicked my ex out. Photocopy all important documents - bank statements, deeds of house, joint assets etc.

Also as an aide maybe check his credit card statement. Will be easy to see how many dates he's been on lately.

No one is worth your self esteem. Go gently and be kind to yourself cause if he's this much of a prick now I can guarantee he will be a bigger one when you leave.

What is he doing until 5am?!

Um er, just how much access do you have to his online banking?

Once you have gathered up the relevant online & offline documentation - ducks sorted, lined up & tucked up for the night, stories read, kissed nighty-night & lights out etc.

I might -were I a different person - be tempted to go online & cancel his credit card. Some people might say that is highly irregular, immature & spiteful...he might not be able to pay his bills in Paris...so I won’t recommend that.

Open a new bank account (if you don't have one solely in your name) and start moving money over. As soon as possible.
I wouldn't trust your husband to play fair with the finances and split things equally. I'd take out extra for childcare and living costs.
Do not alert him to what you are doing.

Generally I'd say that an adult can stay out til whatever time they want, and there's nothing wrong with anyone going out with friends or away with them, married or not.

But based on what you've said, he doesn't really seem to be enjoying family life and has checked out.

You deserve better.

I bet he isn’t in the spa with his male friends OP. I’m sorry but my ExH had an affair and your H is behaving exactly the same. Infact I look back now and can see signs that my ExH probably had more than one affair but I never knew or i ignored the signs. We went to a wedding reception for one of his work colleagues. At the time I felt the atmosphere felt odd, some of his colleagues behaviour with me was odd but I didn’t give it a second thought. I wish I had had Mumsnet then.

Good luck 💐

If you can access the joint savings without his signature, I suggest you take out half of that.

Good luck OP. You're doing the right thing. Come back here if you need more help.

Frankly you are not a wife you are a doormat. Sorry to be brutal but that's the way I see it. Why on earth you remain with him I cannot say.

Good luck op, glad your dsis will help get your ducks in a row

but he didn't want to video chat and instead just text me to say 'busy, eating cant talk.'

I’m sorry OP, but he doesn’t want to video chat because he’s with a girl and you’d see her lying there in bed/she’d realise he’s got a wife and daughter at home. He’s an arsehole.

OP, I had a lying cheating scumbag for an ex! Forgave him once, pretended I did again whilst I was opening my own bank account, squirreling money away and then kicked his sorry ass out the door. I had two young kids too, and got myself a job and sorted childcare and it was HARD at first.
Sold the house and moved to a Council flat. But I had peace of mind and didnt have to worry what he was up to.
That was 22 yrs ago. I am married again, and have another child and he did me a favour.
Ex is the loser. He missed out on his kids and they havent seen him for years. Never met his biological grandchildren nor will he

LTB!

I’m so sorry to read about this. It must be awful to suddenly realise that it is likely your husband is having an/other affair.

Of all of the behaviours you mention, I do think the lack of video chat is the biggest give away. It’s the easiest way to reassure you that he is where he says he is with who he says he’s with so why wouldn’t he do that for the people he loves? If he sees a future with you, he should be bending over backwards to reassure you (e.g. casually sending photos of what he’s up to e.g a picture of him and Dave eating the biggest baguette they can find to show DD - or similar!) I feel so sad for your daughter wanting to see daddy but not being able to (my DC is the same age)

On a final note regarding the affair; what would have upset me the most was this woman was ‘picked up’ in a bar. She was a random woman he had no reason to swap numbers with (I’m not against a flirty chat while stood having a drink - especially if his friends are single and looking for available women. Would be happy for DH to be a wing man but not to continue anything beyond that bar) If DH got close to a colleague he saw daily over time and eventually had an affair I think I would find that a less bitter pill to swallow as it would have ‘crept up’ as opposed to being ‘sought out’. Obviously both would sting massively.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Good luck with whatever you decide to do but, from reading your post, I feel you and DD deserve so much better. There are lovely men out there who will make you their no. 1 priority and you deserve to be with someone like that (we all do).