To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

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DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

OP
From your last update he sounds like a nob.
Yes everyone needs some alone time. But his it at the expense of yours. And maybe you do need to work harder at carving out some time for yourself. But what kind of person, when they are getting an evening of fun, a night alone without being woken by kids, a morning off to recover, decides they just want a few more hours lying in bed when their 35 weeks pregnant partner is stuck home with 2 kids. Only an inconsiderate shit would actually enjoy lying there knowing his wife was knackered and struggling and hadn't had a break in years. Only someone who knew deep down they were being a shit would lie to their wife about the extra time out. Otherwise hed just say, it's been a hectic week etc, do you mind if I take an hour or so just to chill? And only a horrible person would then try and manipulate he situation back on their wife by saying you were trying to make him feel guilty. You cant make anyone feel anything. If he didn't feel guilty he would just calmly explain why he thought this was all ok

She has made no mention of how he is with fatherhood generally, she's only complained about 5 nights in almost a year. Completely ignored questions about how he is generally so sod off with you cunty award bernie.

He didn't force 3 babies into you, how did you think things would be with 3 under 3?

AGREED. I think there is resentment because without those three babies under three you could easily go too, both have a good drink up and a dance, a sleep in and nice breakfast the next day before spending a lazy day at home recovering.

It’s easier for men to escape their responsibilities after children are born.

It’s not fair but it’s true and well known.

Op. I’d pick up your keys and bag that morning. Say “I’m off for some me time I’ll be back at 6”.
JUST GO

You go the night before to a hotel and have a big lie in. And come home at 2. He can leave at 3. Then you all gets loads of rest!

I'd be pretty pissed off too. Booking a hotel was unnecessary, he could have booked a cab there and back, now he has made it even worse by going so early. I'll bet he won't be hurrying back in the morning either.

I don't understand the 'my money/his money' thing. I know it's very common on here but doesn't seem to working out very fairly for you.

I do think you need to organise something for yourself. Is he off work tomorrow? Tell him he need to be home by lunchtime as you have plans and he needs to look after the kids.

I am shocked at some of the nasty comments directed towards the OP! All the cool wives are out in force I see ; no problem with their partners swanning off for endless jollies leaving them to look after kids etc . Clearly I mix in different circles !
OP will he come back first thing tomorrow and let you have a day to rest ?

Think the fact you haven’t explained your feelings to him OR he doesn’t see anything wrong with it is revealing.

You need to improve your comms or you’ll never manage when your teens are trying cannabis or failing exams!

I just wanted to add it might not even come down to time off in the end. Presuming you both planned/wanted your family then feeling like one half of the team is shitting on you from a great height is poison in a relationship. Fair doesn’t mean equal, and I’m fairly confident in predicting equal leisure time wouldn’t solve op’s actual problem which is she needs him to be in the headspace that he is a functioning member of the family whose consideration needs to run beyond just his own needs for the foreseeable and that will include him passing up down time opportunities on occasion.

She has made no mention of how he is with fatherhood generally, she's only complained about 5 nights in almost a year. Completely ignored questions about how he is generally so sod off with you cunty award bernie.

None of that makes your 'what did you think would happen' comment any better

I am shocked at some of the nasty comments directed towards the OP! All the cool wives are out in force I see ; no problem with their partners swanning off for endless jollies leaving them to look after kids etc . Clearly I mix in different circles !
OP will he come back first thing tomorrow and let you have a day to rest ?

I have no problem with my husband swanning off on endless jollies because we don’t have children and never will. Why? Because they’re bloody hard work! Didn’t take much forward thought to work it out either!

Actually there are multiple issues here:

• the money issue. Stuff for the house shouldn’t come out of your savings.
• his lying to you about where he is going.
• your inability to get a break. How far is that because you don’t trust DH to look after the kids?

See I wouldn’t begrudge my DH a few extra hours away because he wouldn’t begrudge me the same. Even without a wedding reception. He would tell me to go and chill out and come back the next day. What would your DH say if you suggested this?

I don't think 5 times i 8 months is unreasonable either. I wouldn't think it if you had that time off as well, OP.

What are you actually annoyed about though? You said it was ok for him to go; it is. Adults need time away from other people sometimes and that includes their family.

You've not said that he's a bad husband and father, just that you're annoyed about this occasion. He's doing exactly what I would want to do - get their early and chill out. I don't get to do that often, perhaps he doesn't either?

There's no getting around you being the one who is pregnant so I don't know why that keeps being mooted as any sort of point. What is your husband supposed to be doing to 'make up' for that? Having the children is both your responsibilities and, if he's picking up the slack the rest of the time I don't see why him having an early leaving day is an issue.

When the baby is born and settled, will you be able to take some time away from the family? If so then that's great. If you don't want to take time away from the family then that's also fine - but you don't get to decide that your husband shouldn't either.

As PP suggested, don't use your money for joint treats, it's your money. Or do - and don't begrudge it because that's game-playing and insidiously nasty.

What can you do for yourself this afternoon? Can the two children play? Go to the park? Watch a dvd? Whilst you settle yourself somewhere comfortable and chill out yourself a bit.

They're not nasty they're just asking her to take some responsibility for herself. She still hadn't answered how he is generally which will allow people to give a more informed opinion.
Things aren't equal between men and women regarding children and they probably never will be unless there's some quirky biological evolution. There's no good wailing about the how the world should be instead of dealing with how it is and the here and now. Being pregnant for practically 3 years straight has left the OP feeling restricted at least physically if nothing else, it's is silly and no one will convince me otherwise.

Things aren't equal between men and women regarding children and they probably never will be unless there's some quirky biological evolution.

Is it biology that’s made her husband lie about how far away the hotel is, then? Or biology that’s made him incapable of seeing that his ‘chill time’ is coming at the expense of OP’s? Is he driven be some deep evolutionary instinct to arrive at hotels bang on check-in? No. He could step up. He is choosing not to.

God, some people’s standards for acceptable behaviour when it comes to men and parenting are so low it makes you weep.

Good for you skittlenommer, however, three kids don’t just happen and it’s a safe bet as their father has stuck around that he wants to be part of the family so he needs to start behaving like it. This isn’t all on OP.

It’s not a weird anomaly that people are very different parents to the ones they’d thought they’d be. You just don’t know till you’re living it. I lived with dp for over a decade before we had dd(3), it’s added a whole different level to our relationship that we couldn’t have predicted or prepared for. Mostly it’s good but sometimes it’s hard.

Mookie81

All you have said is, sadly, very true.

It's wrong of him to lie, of course it is, but why is he doing it? Because of the conversation and resentment that goes with it, perhaps?

I'm no 'cool wife', (it's a pathetic slap down to use that anyway), but if my husband was going to a wedding that I wasn't, I'd write him off for that day and he can go when he wants. I wouldn't care. It's different for the OP as she's pregnant but, assuming that he's present as a husband and father generally (and OP hasn't commented on that either way), does one day really matter?

All these posters who seems to give with with 'despair' and 'weeping' over what other people post are ridiculous. Why such drama?

they're just asking her to take some responsibility for herself

And to do that she should be able to reasonably expect a father to take his responsibilities to his children seriously.

It’s far too intertwined to separate their relationship as a couple from their responsibilities as a family.

Her dh deciding to swan off shifts all of his responsibilities into her and she’s quite rightly pissed off about it in this instance.

He's not 'swanning off' though, is he? They discussed it and agreed that he would go and she wouldn't. He's going five hours early.

They both still have the responsibilities, that doesn't mean that they both have to be present, doing stuff with the family, at the same time.

I'd feel absolutely tethered in some of the relationships that some posters obviously have.

They agreed that he'd go and stay in a hotel overnight because he lied about how far away the wedding was and how easy it would be to get to.

The OP did not make herself pregnant I presume,

No, but she's the one on here complaining about it. If she feels that her husband has more free time than she does and feels resentful of this then she needs to say, "no, no more children".

She’s not complaining about being pregnant. She’s complaining about her children’s father not pulling his weight with the actual parenting.

Ffs, five nights away in eight months and folks are shouting he's not taking his child care responsibilities seriously. It's not a fucking prison sentence, you should be able to go out and have fun and your partner picks up the slack occasionally. She has the same option, she just doesn't want to. Doesn't mean he has to be the same.

And yes, they both decided I assume to have three kids this close together. That includes the op, who unless she says otherwise was a willing part of this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
I totally agree with you.I guess the posters just had enough can’t be easy with the children and she’s admitted she’s jealous.
I’m sure she’s not normally like this.