To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

[usernamechangechange]

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

Have you actually said to him, "Look. You're getting the entire evening to yourself plus the night and a lie-in in the morning without the kids waking you up. I need you to stay a bit later before leaving to GIVE ME A HAND WITH OUR CHILDREN. I need some chill time too."

2.5y, 1.5y and 35 weeks pregnant...sigh. I hope you have some watertight contraception planned or be ready for much more of the same for the same in perpetuity .

I haven't read the whole thread. I know how hard it is when your children are very small and you can feel very resentful. However, it really isn't loads he's been out and as long as when you're able to leave the children he has no objections then really I wouldn't have a problem.

The fog of small children will be over in a few years and you can get your life back. I know it feels like a lifetime away.

Consulting my crystal ball here- this bloke doesn't pull his weight or give OP the support he needs in general and this is just a tangible example she can hold up by way of example.

When DH or I are about to take 'me time', even if it's just him going to a sports event or me going to lunch, we're both extra helpful the morning or night before to make it easier for the person who is going to be holding down the fort while we're gone. Because we love and empathise with each other and want to lighten each other's load.

OP's DH is doing the opposite. He is sneakily taking even more time for himself, and making OP's load heavier as a result. With no thought for her at all.

Shit bloke.

I don’t think it’s a different matter at all, knowingly lying about a situation to gain something for yourself completely aware this is shitting on someone else is the epitome of pulling your weight. Be it a colleague, friend, relative or partner.

She’s given an inch and the dickhead has taken a couple of miles.

You seem to be focusing on the fact that he wants to spend a few hours relaxing in a hotel room and you can’t see any pleasure in that. As others have said, is a ‘hands on Dad’ the rest of the time?

I personally love spending time alone in hotels, my DH (who ironically travels a lot for business hates it) - his idea of a relaxing few hours is sitting in the river bank fishing or hiking - not my idea of ‘fun’.

Perhaps your idea of ‘fun’ is the choice to have three young children and a busy, child filled household (my idea of hell ).

Have you talked to your DH?

Sadly you won't win with this thread here OP, despite being completely in the right. Mumsnetters seem to all be of the opinion that running around after toddlers on your own while heavily pregnant is as easy as breathing and the idea of being left alone to do it themselves isn't horrifying at all. I fucking hate this mentality.

Sure, everyone is entitled to a bit of me time now and then. But your DP is being massively unreasonable and incredibly inconsiderate. I don't know a single person who would swan off 5 hours early for an event leaving their 35 weeks pregnant partner to deal with two kids under three. NOT ONE, but then I don't stay friends for long with selfish arseholes which might explain it.

When kids are tiny a good partnership pulls together, and that means having some thought for what you're leaving your partner with. Sit him down and ask him if he realises what it means for your workload for him to have that chill out time. Ask him if he's completely fine with dumping that level of stress on you at 35 weeks and his answer will bei lluminating OP. Good luck getting some sense into him.

There's virtually no point in me saying any of this to DH. I know how it'll go.

'Why are you leaving so early? You really don't need to....'

'Because I want to chill out before getting ready and have some drinks'

'But you've got the whole evening to have fun, enjoy yourself, a stay in a hotel, a hotel breakfast then not home til the following morning... do you really need to leave over 6 hours beforehand? I feel it's taking the piss'

'Ffs I just want to chill out. Fine. I just won't go at all then'

DH will storm off to other room. I'll have to go to him and explain I do want him to go blah blah blah, he'll accuse me of guilt tripping him. He'll wind up going, but I'll sit at home pissed off following an argument.

He didn't force 3 babies into you, how did you think things would be with 3 under 3?
Take some responsibility for yourself. If hes spending kineg you cant afford and you dont have opportunities to yourself then it's a problem. Otherwise you're being a martyr.

Sorry I might have missed this but has OP actually said to DH how she feels and asked him to go later? Ultimately the two of them need to sit down, have a chat about expectations and come to an agreement, or it's just going to get worse.
No good saying there's no point in talking to DH. If there's no point in having a discussion with him then there's no point in having the relationship. Why stay married to someone you can't talk to?

how did you think things would be with 3 under 3?

Wild stab in the dark here, but possibly she thought their dad would pull his weight?

"It's him unnecessarily leaving so early to sit in a hotel room, by himself, and chill out, when he's had more than his fair share of that of late."

Sorry, but the above his coupled with him lying about the location and travel time would send my antennae skyward.

He didn't force 3 babies into you, how did you think things would be with 3 under 3?

Stupidest comment of the thread award 🥇

Maybe OP expected their father to be involved

Rather than ask him not to do this perhaps suggest that you would like some time to yourself too so when he gets back you will be booking yourself into a hotel or visiting friends for the same amount of time. Perhaps that will make him think twice about stretching the time out while saving on the argument. It's a bit passive aggressive but the that is what I would do if I was married to a selfish person like your DH.

Have I wandered into the last century somehow?

He didn't force 3 babies into you, how did you think things would be with 3 under 3? hmm Take some responsibility for yourself

Maybe she thought the person who’s 50% responsible for those 3 kids would take some responsibility! Shocking idea but there are plenty of fathers who don’t take as much time away from their families as they possibly can!

5 nights away in eight months is seriously that much of a big issue?

I think you are being a little over possessive if I'm honest or maybe I'm too relaxed I'm not sure lol

OP you have a serious communication issue with your DP that unless you sort will not end well.

He isnt pulling his weight, he is being selfish and not putting his family first

Do you have somewhere you could go for a rest - family and take the kids with you

Your problems are more than a few hours chilling time but this has probably highlighted them. I'm more concerned about 'his' money and 'your' money. Where is your money coming from? If you are a sahm he has a shitload more than you. You're married and there should be some sort of equality in fun time money. Your posts suggest that you are the main carer for your dc and even if you did manage to find the time and money for a night away he wouldn't be happy or even capable of looking after the dc. Time for a long chat when he gets back I think. Use the time now to consider how you are not going to enable the selfishness (and attitude) to continue

There is a point to you saying something to him - it’s letting him know that he can’t keep taking the piss and opting out of family life. I would tell him I’m mad that he lied about the location of the hotel, that he actually didn’t need to even stay overnight and waste money on a room because a taxi would take 30 bloody minutes! What a sly twat he is. If he says he won’t go then that’s fine, don’t let his sulking mean he gets off the hook. Alternatively, I would tell him that actually me and the kids have now decided to accept our invitations and we’re coming too! See how he likes them apples.

You really need to change the balance in your relationship. He doesn’t get that he needs to act like a parent and a caring partner.

any way you could politely request he goes later as you're pregnant and tired, make it clear even 3pm would be appreciated.

or let the fight happen, he decides not to go and you nick his hotel room, and blame it on pregnancy hormones tomorrow

OP most people have missed your update that he lied to you about travel time. I would have been pissed off at the extra hours anyway, but given that he's lied to you I'd be really angry.

I do think you need to tell him you know he's lied to you about the travelling. From your description of how things things would go it may not get you anywhere but he needs to know he's been rumbled.

He doesn't sound particularly great anyway.

I hope you've told him that you felt he was less than honest in the location etc

Just saw your update. Sorry, but he's a selfish twat in that case. Suggest you book a nice break/spa day for you to 'chill' for a day before baby arrives. How would he take that?

But. You don’t need to dump your children on ‘anyone’. You have a husband. You don’t need to book a spa break. On a Friday night book a local hotel. Go there, get a nice sleep. Wake up, have breakfast, read the papers, go to a museum, have lunch, walk around, have afternoon tea and head back.

I think you may have built up this ‘going away for one night’ into a much bigger deal in your head.

Do you regularly go out for meals with friends? Go out on a weekend and sit in a library and read?

I just want to chill out. Fine. I just won't go at all then

So he doesn’t go then. That’s on him, his choice for the sake of a few hours being a parent.

DH will storm off to other room. I'll have to go to him and explain I do want him to go

You don’t have to do anything of the sort. Why should you have to convince him to do something he wants? He’s putting the responsibility on you, it’s a con-artist trick.

he'll accuse me of guilt tripping him

At which point you say no, you asked for help. Any guilt he feels is purely of his own making but you can see why he probably does feel guilty on reflection.

So, so many men pull this bullshit. I don’t think they’re sophisticated enough to understand what they’re doing most of the time but it’s got to be a learned behaviour,

See how he’s got you in the position of being too tired/scared/anxious to pull him up on his selfishness because you don’t want to be the bad guy or him to miss out unnecessarily by deflecting all back to you? Shame he doesn’t reciprocate the consideration isn’t it?

I’m not trying to make you feel worse because this is reflective of my relationship too but it helps massively when you see what’s going on and call a spade a spade.