To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

[usernamechangechange]

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

He absolutely is swanning off. They had an agreement and then he lied in order to get 5 hours extra chill time at OP's stressed and highly pregnant self. That's definitely swanning off.

Has he gone yet?

@usernamechangechange don't ask 'why are you leaving early?' Ask ' why did you tell me you needed X hours to commute and an overnight stay when the venue is actually 30 minutes from our home?'

And then say nothing while he splutters.

Don't let it become about 'mean wife saying I can't have fun.' Tell him he should enjoy himself and chill out- that's important. So important that you would like the same opportunity. Then say 'how will you and I work together to make that happen?'

In terms of this wedding, he can do tangible things to make it easer for you. He can prep meals before he leaves, for example. Has he thought about what he is going to do to facilitate this jolly, or is he just swanning off?

Yes, she’s already said she’s not got a problem with him going to the reception, she’s got a problem with him turning what could easily be an evening out into a whole day and night away, especially since he lied about where the wedding was to justify it.

Omg @usernamechangechange - this is my husband too.

I tried to explain it him recently, and I think where my resentment comes in is that he is able to still attend parties, gigs etc whereas I am always, always at home with our children. And it's not because I want to be away at parties etc myself, I want to be in our home. But DH's social life hasn't changed that dramatically since we had our two children, thanks entirely to ME!

If he hasn’t gone yet OP I would absolutely call him on the lying. And if he strops and says “fine then I just won’t go!”, then say “okay, your call.” Don’t go after him to placate and reassure.

A 30min each way taxi does not warrant even a night in a hotel, let alone hours of time there beforehand.

What time will he be home the next day?

I think a lot of these responses are ignoring the fact you're very pregnant. For most people the last 5 weeks mean very little sleep, aches and pains, heartburn, and struggling to run around and lift a toddler and a baby. At this stage I'd expect the husband to be picking up more to give his wife chance to relax and prepare for the birth. Not the other way round. And 'its only a few hours' yes it is, on top of half the weekend he's already getting to himself!

He's just this second left.

I was doing the washing up about 10 minutes ago (something he could've done this morning to shift some of my resentment, but whatever), and while I was doing so, he brought out more cups and plates from the lounge that needed washing. I finished up, grabbed some lunch, sat in the front room and he immediately brought over the card for me to write out because my hand writing is 'nicer'. Once I'd done that, he got his jacket on ready to go.

I said to him that I really didn't understand why he was leaving so early after I'd seen it doesn't take as long as he first made out.
He said he wants to make sure he gets there in time, wants to chill out, doesn't want to rush or get caught in traffic I said the chances of him being caught in traffic causing him to be late when he's leaving 6 hours early was ridiculous.
He just kept saying he wanted to get to the hotel early and off he went.

You do need to address this OP.
It sounds like you've drifted into a pattern of living parallel lives.

You need to start saying “no” to him more.

Porn

But did you actually tell him you are unhappy that he's leaving so early and why?

Don't be a martyr op. And why on earth did you write the card out for him?

Why does he need to stay overnight and till tomorrow afternoon?

If this is all about him chilling out, I strongly suggest making your own similar arrangements to chill out on your own next weekend.

Ok so I'm 35 weeks pregnant too and to be honest, I would love to have a night out. If I'd been invited I think I would have done what I could to have gone. Best case scenario I would have tried to get a sitter and just me and DH gone, a nice night out together before new baby arrives. But I do understand we are all different. However, I don't think DH is BU at all. If he's saved his money to spend on this hotel, he probably wants to make the most of it.
I must say I do find the idea of "his" money and "your" money slightly odd in a marriage but maybe that's just me. My DH's money is ours, my money is ours. It's just one pool of funds. It's shared equally though, not nights out for him and none for me etc.
You say you're happy for him to go but if you wanted certain rules/regulations about it you should have said from the start maybe?
I'd stop using your money for the things that should be 50/50 and put it towards anything you'd like to do.

Ok, he's been an arse about this wedding. No, he does not need to leave so early. He could have left at, say, 5pm and still had some 'chill' time if that's what he wanted so YANBU as far as that goes.

5 nights away in 8 months isn't that much. My DH works away a lot and can be away up to 5 nights a week. Admittedly that is for work but he has had some nights away for pleasure too. I don't mind as I'd rather that than him loll about the house hungover. Out of sight out of mind and all that.

You've obviously chosen to have 3 kids very close in age, as is your right, so you must have realised it would be a lot of work and I don't think him having a few nights away is him not pulling his weight. However, you need to be proactive and have some time on your own too. It doesn't have to be a fancy spa hotel. Book a travel lodge, take yourself to the cinema and for dinner and then have an uninterrupted nights sleep. Unless he's physically preventing you from doing this then I don't see why you wouldn't.

Also there is a disappointing acceptance on here that womens lives change more than men when you've got kids. Other than pregnancy or breastfeeding related issues this absolutely doesnt have to be the case. Since I stopped feeding my husband and me have equal lie ins, equal nights out, equal taking the kids to activities and bedtimes etc. If we want a night out we both check with the other and would cancel if the other was struggling as they or kids were ill. I dont know why people seem to think its impossible to achieve

I think its harsh to say the OP wants rules and regulations. When your husband asks if it's ok to go somewhere one night I dont think most people would say 'ok but dont lie to me about how long it takes to get there and dont go half a day early to 'make the most' of being by yourself in a hotel room while I look after our children'

Did you tell him youd prefer if he stayed a bit later?

They had an agreement and then he lied in order to get 5 hours extra chill time

Who the hell wouldn’t with three babies under three!? I’d have left at the break of dawn!

Also there is a disappointing acceptance on here that womens lives change more than men when you've got kids. Other than pregnancy or breastfeeding related issues this absolutely doesnt have to be the case. Since I stopped feeding my husband and me have equal lie ins, equal nights out, equal taking the kids to activities and bedtimes etc. If we want a night out we both check with the other and would cancel if the other was struggling as they or kids were ill. I dont know why people seem to think its impossible to achieve
👏👏👏
That's the norm in my social circle too.

It's the same on threads where women point out that it's perfectly normal to have a relationship that is 50/50 on housework and chores.

Then some will turn up saying it's impossible because women always carry the mental load, do the MN top time consuming task of 'household admin' and how men always overestimate how much they do. The idea that men might just function as an adult seems to be impossible to comprehend.

You could have taken the kids with you and hired a baby sitter to watch them in the hotel. I don't drink pregnant or not so not being able to drink is not a reason to avoid a wedding reception. If you don't feel comfortable though thats another thing!

If I had basically three kids in 2.5 years I would want to run away now and again. My OH went away with work and fun sometimes. i was jealous at the time, but when they went to school and I could relax a bit he was jealous.

OP, I really feel for you but I also want to give you a shake. Did you say to DH, 'I will have my hands full with the children this afternoon so please do the washing up before you go' or did you just stomp into the kitchen and start clattering pans in the hope that he would notice?

You have got to learn to address this issue assertively and firmly with him, or it will fester, your resentment will build, and it will kill your marriage. The time for passive-aggressive hints passed a long time ago.

When he gets in with a hangover tomorrow, probably after a delightful sleep and a nice chilled hotel breakfast, tell him you need a bit of time to yourself and go out. Anywhere, parents house, friends house, park bench. Just go! Maybe go and get yourself a pedicure or something.

I'm totally with you on this one, it's totally unreasonable.