To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

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DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

Have you not said all this to him?

Sounds like he’s not really enjoying fatherhood and can’t wait to get away from
it all. Perhaps he should have a vasectomy so he doesn’t bring anymore kids into the world.

How have you ended up with three children with him? Or is the going away a fairly recent thing. Did he go away as much pre-children?

Why are you tolerating this? Speak up and tell him that he is a father to 2 babies with a 3rd due. He needs to cop on and put his wife and children 1st. No one begrudges any parent time off but bloody hell booking a hotel for a venue 30 mins away is a joke.

But me having a couple of hours to myself to 'get my nails done' isn't the same as DH who has had plenty of nights out/nights away recently, who's then deciding to piddle off over 6 hours earlier and leave everything at home up to me. I don't see how the two are mutually exclusive.
Then I'm not sure how anyone can help OP.

You say DH spends his money on his things but you spend your money on the house and not yourself. That's your choice.

You take an issue with 5 nights away in 8 months, people say that's reasonable but people say it should be equal and you should have time like that too - you point out how you couldn't possibly 'piss off' for a weekend.

People say 'ok, well you still deserve time to yourself' make suggestions as to how you can have some time to yourself - unsurprisingly that's not good enough either

It seems very much like you're opting not to do anything for yourself and then having an issue with anyone else who does.

For what it's worth I think he should have stayed home a bit longer and left mid afternoon, but equally on the whole you need to start owning your own happiness because otherwise this resentment is going to grow and grow.

You chose to have 3 children very close together. Has he been like this since you had the first one? If so why have more?

It sounds like you've come on here for a rant but not actually spoken to him.

The two of you need to make some decisions.

I'm assuming you both agreed for you to have three children in quick succession like this. I am not in alignment with you that "being pregnant for three years" means you can't go and do stuff or have a social life. Unless there is a Breast feeding issue, which you've not mentioned, then you can go out whenpregnant.

The issue is you don't want to. He does. He should not have to have no social life because you don't want one. That's hugely unreasonable. And most of this five nights away are about this wedding or his birthday, it's not like he's some big party animal.

You need to align on the way forward and you need to respect each other. I really don't perceive him as doing anything wrong today.in your own words you're more than able to look after the kids, and it's just a couple of hours extra.

If he was at it all the time, my view would be different, but that's not the case here. Not even slightly.

It's his call if he wishes to save money and have a night away. As long as you have the same option. Which you do. You just don't want to do that.

5 nights away in 8 months IS a lot !!!!!
Especially when OP has 2 small children and is pregnant. Seems that things are unbalanced and only one person is getting a break

In what universe is SIX hours considered a few hours. That’s a school day. I get what you’re saying OP.

I have two small ones myself and it was just a few weeks ago that I had an overnight. My first in almost 5 years. It was good, but would have probably been better to wait after I had stopped breastfeeding. There’s a big difference between having a few hours to yourself and having an overnight where you’re not on alert if a baby/child wakes up in the middle of the night.

My husband has only gone on overnights due to work which can be from every two months to almost every month and it’s usually in Europe, The US, or Asia for a few days to a week. Due to this and us having no family support, we have a deal with each trip that I have a day for myself right before he leaves and right after he comes back for my sanity. I also have suggested he does an overnight for himself countless times and he has chosen not to.

There should be a discussion had especially before your next child.

Why not ask him why he is leaving so early or ask if he can do a number of things beforehand to help you before he does go off?

I can understand wanting some time to yourself but leaving your 35 week pregnant wife with two small children for a wedding reception that you don’t have to be at until the evening for six hours doesn’t seem right. 2-3 hours yea, but 6.. that’s ridiculous.

You need to start planning nights away

Why haven't you?

You could just stay at parents or friends for free
Or get him to take the kids away for a night

lf you don't want to deal with the limitations of pregnancy and small babies then stop getting pregnant!

The OP did not make herself pregnant I presume, so maybe her husband would like to deal with the reality of having little ones at home and act like a fucking father and partner and realise that he will also have limitations on his time and what he can do too.

OP I don't know what to advise you other than stop spending your money on things that benefit the entire family (decorating and treats should be joint purchases) while he acts the single man on lads nights away and pissing off to hotels that are 30 minutes away to "unwind", he sounds a right selfish cockwomble.

*A few weeks ago, he said he'd be leaving early as it'll take him hours to get there. That's when I thought, okay, fair enough, still seems like he's leaving a bit too early but whatever - 2/3 hours travelling, a bit of dinner, getting ready time etc, ok whatever fine.

I woke up this morning and decided to look at the venue only to discover that it's actually WAY closer than I was made to believe. Via public transport alone, it'll only take an hour tops. A cab from ours to the venue would take 30 mins max.*

So in other words, he lied to your face, not expecting you to look it up and why would you, you trust him.

Ask him again where it is and see if he sticks to his story. Say who knows maybe would pull take a holiday there and use Google Maps or something to locate it on your mobile in front of him and check his reaction.

You have bigger problems if he is lying to you about locations of where he’s going, especially with you being as far along as you are.

He is a selfish piss taker.

Possibly worse.

He has deliberately manoeuvred this.

Why can’t he get a cab back after the Reception?

YANBU obviously. He's a selfish arse

Amazing how OP managed to get herself pregnant on her own. I thought only worms could do that.

He also chose to have 3 children in 3 years. Buggering off for 5 nights is a lot when it is leaving all the childcare and home duties to someone else.

OP has every right to be pissed off, especially when it it appears that he has deceived her in order to wrangle a family-free day and evening for himself. He's wasted money hiring a fancy hotel when he could have just driven and not drunk, or taken a cab home. He's also lumped OP with a load of extra work while she is exhausted and preparing for childbirth. He's lied, and that's rubbish.

She is 35 weeks, she could go into labor at any moment and her dickhead husband is going to be off in a hotel 'chilling' or drunk at the wedding of a not especially close friend given he didn't care enough about him to invite him to more than the evening party.

OP, do you have an equal amount of spending money each? Or does he have more? Agree, stop sharing your spending money with him via takeaways - if I was you I'd order myself one tomorrow, swan off to the bedroom to eat it and leave him to cook the rest of the family dinner.

What a dick.

The thing is, even if I wasn't pregnant and was managing to go out here, there and everywhere, dumping my kids on whoever in order to go out and get pissed, I'd still be like 'why is DH stretching a 4hr evening reception in to an entire afternoon off, a hotel stay, and the following morning and afternoon off'

It's not the reception. It's that he's completely milking it following a few months of thoroughly enjoying himself, leaving early with no need to and staying in a hotel with no need also. I'd been told the venue was miles away, a pigs ear to get to, a nightmare to travel home from etc - only for me to then discover that that isn't the case at all. I feel a bit conned!!!

YANBU. This has become a habit now. I'd be concerned.

@usernamechangechange You feel conned because you were conned.

What have you said to your DH?

Challenge him on this. There's no point debating this with strangers on the internet and changing their minds- you're married to him! Explain how you feel to him. Ask him to explain his motivations and priorities to you. Ask him what's fair.

Why haven't you already?

So I take it you haven't actually asked him out right why he has lied and planned this?

I don’t see the harm. I’m always early for nights out! Yeah. I’d be a bit annoyed. But I’d just go do the same some other time.

I don’t think he’s up to anything.

Maybe don’t have anymore children. It doesn’t sound like you’re enjoying motherhood all that much.

What a nasty post! Jeez

OP he's out of order and honestly if he'd suggested it to me I'd have said are you fucking joking. He's a selfish arse and it's bad enough that he's not getting a cab home so he's there in the morning. Afternoon swanning about in a hotel while you're at home with two toddlers my arse, tell him to get real the cheeky selfish fucker.

I have to admit I would be peeved for exactly the same reason as you are. Yes, by all means go to the reception, but I agree he doesn't need to leave at 1. Although it may be that he is going early to get his head down in the hotel before going out (I have been known to pre-game nap , which obviously still doesn't help you. I would tell him to go, get his few hours peace in but he can take over all childcare tomorrow when he gets home so you can have some time to yourself.

If this is really only about the hotel stays then it's all a bit melodramatic.

If as I suspect you're OH is not pulling his weight generally that's a different matter - and that's the conversation u should have with him.

If u talk to him about this stay alone then he can easily dismiss it.

So does he pull his weight OP?

Mind you. My husband is away for work at least 4 times a month. So I’m used to it I guess