Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

657 replies

usernamechangechange · 01/08/2019 09:37

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit Hmm at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 02/08/2019 11:14

Tbf they probably never had any intention of inviting him to the wedding day but knew he wouldn't miss the opportunity to spend 4 days on a stag away from family responsibilities. How selfless of him to do that for someone who isn't that close of a friend! And to scrape together family money for it too. What a guy.

Namechanged4today · 02/08/2019 11:16

Reading through this entire discussion my first thought was that he was either hiring a prostitute or hooking up with someone. It's not drama - my husband and I are swingers and I cannot tell you the number of "single" married guys that are on fabswingers - and this is precisely the type of shit and lies that they pull to hook up. Is he secretive with his phone OP?

matahairyy · 02/08/2019 11:23

And maybe the OPs utterly justifiable feelings towards him make him feel he deserves it.

Original poster
usernamechangechange · 02/08/2019 11:26

Honestly. I'm not even going to entertain the idea that he's cheating on me. I know that he isn't. He isn't secretive with his phone. At all. I always know where he is. He doesn't have the money to pay for prostitutes.

Yes. He's been an arse. But no, he isn't cheating, doesn't have a mistress and isn't using sex workers. So let's just put that ridiculous suggestion behind us because I don't need comments like that right now.

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 02/08/2019 11:37

The lack of another woman doesn't justify his behavioir

matahairyy · 02/08/2019 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
usernamechangechange · 02/08/2019 11:48

I'm 35 weeks pregnant, I have two toddlers, I've slept for about 2 hours and people are trying to tell me my DH is using prostitutes! It's a ridiculous conclusion that I simply do not need right now.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 02/08/2019 11:51

matahairyy
I'm inclined to agree.

Much as there's been a range of views on whether the individual wedding and the 5 nights in 8 months is reasonable, the overall consensus from the thread is he isn't pulling his weight as a father. We all get told to butt out because he clearly is a great dad and that's why it was sensible to have 3 children back to back with a man whose already shown his feelings.

Sadly, I think this may well become one of those relationships where the woman keeps having children, let's the man do what he likes, keeps picking up after him, excuses his lack of parenting and defends him as a great dad, won't do anything for her own happiness or wellbeing and generally martyrs themselves, then gets resentful and angry over her lot in life, does nothing to change it and the cycle continues as a passive victim of circumstance.

People have offered loads of advice and guidance on this thread but I seems the intention was more to rant about the current situation, have the rant validated but then do nothing about it to prevent it happening again.

5catsandus · 02/08/2019 11:58

OP, take no notice of people trying to suggest he’s with another woman. Fgs!

I think you might need to take a step back and think about the wider picture. Ishe a good dad in general? How was he after the birth of your first two?

I’ve posted about my DH because he once wanted to go to the Arctic for 4 months (no, he was not joking). He didn’t go in the end, but he does go in on about 6-7 hobby related trips a year - some two days or so, others maybe a week. This is on top with a lot of overseas travel with work. My DC are teens / tweens now, but when they were pre-schoolers, he did a run in the Sahara which took the most part of a week, not to mention the fact I was very worried.

So I hope this makes you feel a bit better. Stop stewing and plan to take some time for yourself. What are your plans when the DC are all in school or nursery? Don’t rush back to work if you don’t need to. Enjoy some me time then. I know it seems a long way off, but your time will come!

I never went back to work and I now feel no guilt whatsoever about having a lovely, calm time to do what the hell I like while they’re all at school. DH and I just get our breaks in different ways. Find your way, if you can.

ChocolateCakeForDinner · 02/08/2019 11:59

OP, I have no advice for you, apart from get angry with you husband when he gets home and don't fall for his shit. Also, ignore all these stupid comments suggesting he's cheating on you. It's easy to tell when someone has something to hide

matahairyy · 02/08/2019 12:06

Apart from the HUNDREDS of threads on here from women stunned that their wonderful h who they trusted bla bla obviously WAS.

Original poster
usernamechangechange · 02/08/2019 12:08

Oh my god. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, but that isn't what's happening here. Please just drop it.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamechangechange · 02/08/2019 12:10

DH is home. I've not said anything to him yet other than hi. He started playing with DC1 and I could barely keep my eyes open on the sofa so got up and went to the bedroom. He followed me in and almost sounded shocked when he said 'are you alright?'. I couldn't be arsed to hash it all out right now, so just said that I'm fucking exhausted from getting about 2 hours sleep so I'm going to bed. Then he just left the room without saying anything.

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 02/08/2019 12:18

Keep your powder dry for now and get a kip op. Ignore the stirrers. Talk to him when you’ve rested. Reread everything you’ve posted here, it’s not just ‘this one time’ although that’s bad enough, it’s a pattern of selfishness and disrespect and you must not let him off the hook. But first, get your head down.

LolaSmiles · 02/08/2019 12:21

I couldn't be arsed to hash it all out right now, so just said that I'm fucking exhausted from getting about 2 hours sleep so I'm going to bed
So have your sleep and then aim to have a calm and adult conversation about it.

The whole 'I'm not discussing it because what's the point / I can't be arsed' thing comes through so many of your posts. It needs adressing head on and possibly with the step of medication or counselling to improve communication and understanding between the two of you.

Otherwise nothing will improve and we'll have another thread in a few months time about how life with a new born has made this situation worse.

53rdWay · 02/08/2019 12:26

Counselling will only work if they both have an interest in improving their communication. If his only interest is in her shutting up and not bothering him with her feelings, it’s not a good idea.

justasking111 · 02/08/2019 12:29

There are folk on here if a partner walks a dog too long they assume he is having an assignation (rolls eyes)

He is just being a man to be honest. Mine took off for three weeks in the caribbean when I had a new baby, it was February the oil ran out we lived and slept in the room off the kitchen which had a log burner until the oil was delivered, it was snowing at the time.

You need to make some rules yes of course he can go out as can you, but only when it is doable and the person left behind does not feel swamped. My friends cope with partners away for weeks and months at a time, but when their OH is home they understand that it is now their wife`s time to relax, chill out for a bit.

So if you both wanted three children, you have to agree on you both getting a break from them.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 02/08/2019 12:37

Don't discuss this while you're emotional and sleep deprived. Good idea to have a sleep and leave what's left of today's childcare to him.

Tomorrow when you're rested- tell him you need to have real conversation where you listen to each other. No deflecting, threats, flouncing off and sulking. He needs to hear you.

I would seriously insist on marriage counselling before the baby is born. You have a massive communication problem where he sets the rules and (spoiler alert 🚨) the rules favour him.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 02/08/2019 12:39

Oh my gosh, ignore the PPs saying he's seeing prostitutes. Hmm Honestly, there's enough poor conduct here without adding fictional ones on top.

OrangeSlices998 · 02/08/2019 12:40

Have a nap, get up and go out for lunch. Go to the cinema. Go sit in Costa with a hot chocolate a book, do something for you. Don't ask permission, just say you'll be back for dinner, and GO. This man isn't respecting you! He isn't going to facilitate your own time, you have to make it and when/if he gets arsey, explain why you're doing it.

Hugs OP.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 12:49

OP ignore the idiots. They're just upset that some DH's are actually alright really (if not a bit selfish).

At least he noticed you weren't ok, that's a start I guess.

Have a good rest x

LolaSmiles · 02/08/2019 13:56

OP ignore the idiots. They're just upset that some DH's are actually alright really (if not a bit selfish)
Yeah, ignore the idiots who think women should set the bar a bit higher because being a great dad isn't playing with the kids a bit, helping with some bathtimes and disrespecting their mother/his partner.

He's probably a really good guy if you overlook the OP saying repeatedly that he doesn't listen to her, dismisses her concerns and so on. It's totally fabulous husband and father material; us idiots need to lower the bar and say it'll all be ok if you carry on in this situation and don't do anything.

No need for counselling or mediation and no need to bring about a situation where the OP gets some time to herself as well because he's a great guy and we're just haters.

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 13:58

@LolaSmiles I'm referring to the people who automatically assume he's cheating...

Stop being so defensive.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 02/08/2019 14:41

Hopefully you're asleep now, but if he thinks you've had your 'rest' when you wake and he can nurse his hangover in peace while you go back to doing it all (or worse, he brings in the kids to wake you because he's crap) let him think again! Do what Orange said. Even if it's just a walk, or barricade yourself in the bedroom with drinks and netflix! Have a decent amount of time for you.

If he goes off on one just say (or text from your room) "you lied to me in order to get more time off from your family and wasted money too so you could chill out and relax while you left me heavily pregnant and struggling. I need an equal amount of time out and a nap doesn't cut it. Are you saying that you get time off but I don't? That your wants and needs are more important than mine, yes or no?"

Cause if he says no, you say great, you agree so I'm back off to relax. Let that be the start of getting your old self back

And if he says yes, then you say you need to think about whether you have a future with the kind of person who would treat you like that. And mean it!

LolaSmiles · 02/08/2019 14:48

YesQueen

You've said ignore the idiots because they don't get that some DH are ok even if they're a bit selfish.
It does kinda suggest that you're saying anyone who's said the DH is a problem is an idiot.

Why not say 'don't worry about the cheating allegations'?

The DH isn't just a bit selfish. He is repeatedly dismissing the OP, doesn't pull his weight and doesn't parent his children in a remotely fair fashion.

A bit selfish is hogging the weekend lie ins, not barely doing any parenting.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.