To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

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DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

Yeah, the lies have got to me too.
A few months back when we discussed what he'd be doing after the reception had finished with regards to getting home, he told me he'd looked in to taxis and that actually, a hotel was cheaper and easier.

Well, some may say it's petty, but I sat down and worked it out last night (I had a lot of time on my hands for the couple hours dc slept to begin with!). Several websites quoted the taxi journey at around £50 for a midnight journey. I believe his hotel alone was between £75-£100 (though can't be dead set on that) - so once you include his travel fares to the hotel yesterday; a train then a bus, his dinner, the pre drinks, the cab to the venue, the return cab back to the hotel then the travel costs again today, it's quite clear to see that actually, the taxi was always going to be the far, far cheaper option out of the two. He also would've been home 30 minutes after the reception ended given the distance..

I wish he'd just been straight up with me from the get go. 'I want to leave early so I can get a nap at the hotel, then get a bit pissed before the cab turns up. I want to stay in a hotel so I can get properly drunk and not have to deal with you and the kids when I'm wasted/hungover the following morning' as opposed to 'ohhhh traffic. Might take me years to get there. Ohhhh the hotel works out so much cheaper and the venue is miles away too so yknow, it all makes sense what I'm doing'

Is there anywhere you can go today OP to get some rest, a friend or family.

I'd be sorely tempted, when he gets in, to ask if he'd had a good night, listen to his reply and then tell him as you've been up all night, you need some chill out time, so now it's your turn, and go and stay with friends or family for the afternoon and night. Get home tomorrow lunchtime. (If you can afford it, maybe even a cheap hotel/travelodge)

Be ready to walk out the door when he gets in. Don't engage in any interaction with him. Go to the cinema, to a friends, your parents, anywhere for the afternoon. Come back just before bedtime.

Long term plan of mine would be get back to work sharpish. That way you both contribute to childcare.
You are doing all this on your own. Where is his team attitude? Nowhere to be found because it's easier to let you do it all.
He is a king size Prick. Like a lot of men.

Oh my God I'm so pissed off for you!

What's your plans today?
You need to go out and leave him with the kids for a few hours at least. Any excuse. Just go sit in the car somewhere if you must. But you definitely need to do this.

I hope he has the hangover from hell.

Are you really sure he wasn’t meeting a woman? Either lover or sex worker?

Not sure what my plans are for today. Family and the few friends I have are all working, I don't drive so me going anywhere would mostly involve walking and with how tired I am, how pregnant I am and how hot it is, I don't really feel up to walking/going anywhere.

DH has just messaged to say he'll be checking out shortly and will be on his way. Be interesting to see how long it takes him to get back - will it be the hours and hours that the journey was made out to be? Or will it be the much shorter time that I know it takes?

And no. He wasn't meeting a sex worker or a lover

Not sure what my plans are for today. Family and the few friends I have are all working, I don't drive so me going anywhere would mostly involve walking and with how tired I am, how pregnant I am and how hot it is, I don't really feel up to walking/going anywhere.

Then tell him that you're glad he had a great night but you've been up with the kids all night, are heavily pregnant and exhausted so you will be retiring to your bedroom for some rest.....and tell him to try and keep the noise down, then go and lock the door

Can you go out the minute he's back? Leave a note detailing the night you've had and what he needs to do today with the children, housework, food shopping, cleaning etc all the things you'd just do as the norm.

How do you know? Sounds very likely to me

How on earth does it sound very likely!?
I know my DH has been an arsehole, and believe me, I'm a nightmare for jumping to conclusions, but Jesus Christ, even I don't think he was getting lucky last night! he barely had the money for the hotel/cost of attending the reception, quite how he'd have scraped together the funds for a prostitute is beyond me.

Please don't try an add even more unnecessary drama to this.

I don’t think this is about another woman he is a selfish man who had scraped together family money so he could relax and then drink in peace
It’s not better though OP

The cost of all the travel and unnecessary expenditure on the hotel wouldn't have been quite so bad had he not spent about 6 months saving up for the stag do, meaning we didn't do anything as a couple for half a year because every bit of his money went towards that long weekend. So for me to have now seen that money has been spent where it didn't need to be it's just more cherries on this already toppling cake.

Op do you love him?

You have nothing positive to say about him and really don’t seem to even like him.

Of course I love him. I'm just exhausted, feel huge, hot, sweaty, drained and resentful of his current behaviour. It's hard to sing someone's praises when they act like a dick.

Just to say I think his behaviour is shit OP, especially the lying. And not even very clever elaborate lying - more like he lazily wanted to avoid a row, as he knew he was in the wrong, rather than it being something he knew he had to conceal at all costs.

He is acting as though his leisure is more important than your wellbeing or indeed family wellbeing (and spending), and I can't see any other way to take it than - well, shit. He seems to be the kind of entitlement here. I would be livid.

King of entitlement!

Have I got this right? He spent loads of money and loads of time saving up for a stag do that took him away from his pregnant wife and two kids for four nights, and he was only invited to the evening reception? He can’t be that close to the happy couple. I’d be fuming.

No it seems more than that

Not one positive thing you have said or even alluded to

I think when you speak to him it's important you stay calm, because if you rise to him then it makes it easier for him to dismiss you as the 'nagging wife' and actually not take in anything you're actually saying.

I'd probably be inclined to have the discussion in a calm and neutral space so it's a grown up conversation between the two of you - if you lambast him the second he gets home - however rightly - then you'll put him straight on the defensive. And as you've said it's not really about being out last night but the ongoing pattern of behaviour and attitude that he's shown, plus the lying.

You need to keep the conversation adult to adult - don't revert to parent/child communication or you'll get a sulky little boy response.

If that doesn't work then I strongly would suggest couples counselling as somebody neutral to mediate might help the truth sink in.

How do you know for sure there is no OW

Yeah. Don't even get me started on him/us only being invited to the evening part. I've said to DH countless times that I thought it was fucking shitty that the groom expected DH to save up so much money to go away with him on his stag, but wasn't actually invited to see him get married.

Apparently the ceremony itself was small, but still. In my books, you don't invite people on your stag do/hen dos if you're not inviting them to the ceremony.

But Love, this thread was started off the back of me being annoyed at DH, why would I then choose this space to write lovely things about him. I needed a place to vent and a place to rant, I was hardly going to turn around half way through and start listing all the things I love about him

StepMom how do I know for sure? I just do. DH goes to work, comes straight home, Monday through to Friday. Unless this other woman has waited months and months and months to spend a couple of hours with him at the hotel before he went to a wedding where we both know the bride and groom, it's hugely unlikely there's anyone else.

I couldn't be more confident that there's no one else, so let's not even try and hint that there is.

It just seems to me that anger resentment and disdain seems through every post

In many respects, warranted

My point - it really seems a shite loveless marriage