To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

[usernamechangechange]

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

I agree with Quartz, on the previous page to this.
Op I think he is treating you with a total lack of kindness and respect. He is taking you for granted, and using manipulative and abusive tactics to always get his own way. That isn’t being a good father. If you have sons, they will treat you like this when they are older, and/or they will behave like this with their partners. I cannot get my head round any loving husband and father trotting off to a hotel for the night leaving a woman who could go into labour, alone with two toddlers while he gets drunk.
I am also baffled that anyone thinks getting drunk before going to an event is fine.
I think you need to tell him to start treating you decently or move out. I completely agree with you that this is just taking the piss now. Get angry, and don’t allow him to crush you.
I am on your behalf.

OP you say ........... sinking the pints

A very Irish expression.

If that is the case you have your work cut out.

Disclaimer

I say that as an Irish person.

People only mistreat you if you allow them to. If all you're going to do about his, frankly outrageously selfish, behaviour is just feel annoyed and then carry on as before then he'll just carry on doing the same thing. And you'll just be quietly annoyed, but it's no biggie for him because he gets to do what he wants anyway.
You only get one life, it's your choice whether or not to spend it as a skivvy to a selfish man.

@Alislia17 Mum, you're embarrassing me.

This is all just him wanting to go early, want to stay out, wanting to come back the following day. It does feel selfish

Op, I’m sorry but it’s not just him being selfish. It’s him actually showing he’s not onboard family life.

I speak from experience.

YANBU

Make today the day you start standing up for yourself and getting things back to how they should be

Maybe this morning you could take the kids to buy some drums ready to show daddy when he rolls in.

It’s incredibly selfish and he knows it. He’s gone for the chill out time knowing full well it’s leaving you to manage the children. He’s knows it’s unreasonable so his only protestations to anything you point out are to shut you up.
I really think, when possible you need to take some time for yourself. Just go to a friends house all day or something. Specify it’s for chill out time. He has to fully understand how difficult it is and he prob doesn’t if you’re there all the time being capable. Then when he raises a moan, you laugh and maybe then talk about being on board more for this difficult time.

Morning all,

Thanks for all your replies yesterday, sometimes this site and the opinions given on here can be a real eye opener so I massively appreciate you taking the time to get back to me.

I had a rough night with the DC's. My toddlers - particularly the older one - don't cope too well when Daddy isn't around (he's a HUGE daddy's boy) and as a result, DC1 kept constantly asking where Daddy was from about 4pm. By 1am, he'd woken up 5 times (he normally only wakes up the once, twice on a bad night) and was inconsolable because Daddy wasn't there to comfort him - particularly hard for me to deal with as no amount of bum changes, cuddles, juice or blankets could bring daddy back and make him feel better. DC2 was then awake from 1am til 3:30am... nothing wrong per se, just WIDE awake and making loads of noise. The pair of them then started their day at 6am - so a mix of them two keeping me up, plus the absolute shit quality sleep you manage to get whilst heavily pregnant has left me feeling like the walking dead.

I'm now even more envious (wasn't sure that possible) that DH will be waking up in a hotel bed this morning, probably sauntering in to a cafe for a cooked breakfast before taking a leisurely travel back home.

You're a bit trapped at the moment OP, but that won't always be the case. Do what you need to do to get through the next few months peacefully and then make some huge changes, start planning now. This would be the clever thing to do.

Don't waste your breath on this selfish arse, he won't care and you'll get upset.

So what are you going to do? You need to stop feeling guilty and tell him exactly that that him being away unsettled his children and you feel like the walking dead
And that as he is rested he can get home ASAP and relieve his heavily pregnant wife after all he is your partner
Or frankly go to your parents for the day for a rest and don’t bother telling him

Well clearly you need to catch up on your sleep, so he needs to come home now and either you take yourself to your room and stay there, or take yourself off somewhere else. At 8 months pregnant you need to take your rest seriously.

Sounds shit OP.

What are you going to DO about it all then?

Call and ask him to come back now?
Book yourself a night in a hotel this weekend to rest and catch up on sleep?
Suggest couples counselling?
Have it all out with him?

Or just carry on as usual?

I can't see him leaving early. He seemed pretty adamant the other day that he'd be leaving at check out time which is 11am. Going by that, I imagine he'll be back around 1pm.
I did message him in the small hours of last night when I saw that he was on and offline, to let him know how difficult DC1 was being, and that DC2 was seemingly awake for no reason whatsoever - but he hasn't read all of my messages and hasn't been online yet this morning, so he's probably hung over and won't be shifting any time soon.

How you ‘manage’ his return will be important.

What do you plan to say?

I really don't know what I'm going to say.

I suspect if i say anything, I'll met with 'ah just leave it' 'it was only one night' 'I did need to leave early, i did need the hotel' blah blah blaaaaah.

I feel it'll be a conversation that'll go round in circles and I'll just become more irate and irritated.

Can you go anywhere

This all sounds really awful and selfish OP
You need to say no I am not going to leave it you are leaving your heavily pregnant wife exhausted and your children upset. All your statements are about what you need. Well guess what you are part of a (growing) family and it should be about what we all need. If you keep on thinking of it as just your needs exactly what are you bringing to the family apart from misery

Would it be unreasonable to message him and ask him to leave before check out time?

Nope not at all

Pack your bag and write him a list of stuff to do. At the end of the list add that you need good night's sleep after last night (2 little ones, pregnancy etc) and as he seems to think it's OK to check out of family life whenever he wants you are going to a hotel for the night. When you come back you are going to have a serious and calm discussion about his lack of care and respect for you and expectations moving forward. If he fails to discuss this calmly without blaming, shouting, ignoring and guilt tripping you will have to start counselling. And take yourself off to a hotel for a long bath and good night's sleep.

Can I just give a tip for when he uses the nuclear option of saying he won't go out at all any more? That is a classic bit of manipulation that has been used in my household with me from the beginning in various guises, and used to be a good way of making me say 'oh no, I didn't mean that'' etc etc.
It has taken me a long time to realise that it was a repeated trick used to twist things into him being the victim.

Next time it happens remember - it's just words OP. Ask yourself if it is really likely that he 'never goes out again'. Call his bluff, because it is most definitely a bluff, and say 'good, if that is what you think is best, then I'm fine with that'.

Look on the premier inn website pick a local hotel look at the calendar dates and book yourself 5 £35 a night hotel rooms for about 8 weeks after baby is born, one every month. Put them in the family calendar. Write the dates on a massive piece of paper and pin it to the fridge. Have a daydream about what snacks and drinks you will take and how long you will sleep for. Some have a lunchtime checkout.
You need a break as well.

I agree if he does say yes I think you are right with me being heavily pregnant and about to have 3 under 3 it seems like a good idea

Also, I think that the worst bit of it all for me is that he lied. He lied for a long time and that is what I could not get away from or forget about. That means to me that I cannot trust the man to not say whatever in the moment is more convenient to him.

And if he lied it means he knew on some level that it wasn't right what he wanted to do. It wasn't fair and was self-indulgent.