To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

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DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

Each to their own but I think it's good to have some adult time away and if you've not had that then that's perhaps the issues - when the third DC is old enough you need to cash in your chips and have a break yourself.
The issue with this is she should wait until the children are old enough to cash in the time away he takes away, but he doesn’t need to do the same?!

OP, you do sound lovely and I do know how hard it is when they’re still little and you’re pregnant.

To be honest, I would just let this one go. No idea what he’s planning to do on his own in the hotel for 4 hours - his hair? But it is just a few hours. He obviously feels he wants to turn the reception into a mini break and while irritating, it’s not the end of the world. There are worse crimes, that’s for sure.

As for the 4-day stag event, well, I think that’s obviously very tiring for you. Was it a very close friend? Where did they go? Were strippers involved because that would annoy me when Im pregnant, more so than the actual time away.

I have 3 DC too, but DH always worked away a fair bit, so 5 nights away in 8 months wouid have been nothing to me. But I guess it’s what you’re used to.

What I would do is this -

1. Find out if there were strippers on the stag

2. Let this wedding thing go, but when he comes back, tell him you are going to watch a movie or whatever and you do not want to be disturbed under ANY circumstances for at least 3-4 hours. Barricade the bedroom door / use headphones if necessary.

Hope you manage ok

Any time I speak up, speak my mind, have an opinion, things become twisted, taken out of context, I'm almost always made to look like the bad guy for expressing myself and wind up being the one to apologise or coming round to his way

This sounds pretty serious. It doesn't sound like there is effective communication at all or as though he gives a shit about your welfare or your feelings.

Do you think counselling might help you both? I would be texting him saying you are on your way as X is going to babysit.See how he reacts to that........

I absolutely would not accept this at all, but as you say, you have been pretty damn busy the past few years and have been ground down by him.

I know on the surface it may look as simple as he just wanted to chill at the hotel for a couple hours, but when you break it down, what it actually was, was a man leaving his heavily pregnant DW (who could theoretically go in to labour at any point from here on out) to deal with their two young DC's, while he sits in a hotel room doing sweet FA whilst she holds down the fort at home. It's him choosing to stay in a hotel over night so he could get absolutely wankered and return the following afternoon when he could've easily got a taxi home after the reception finished, but again, as a result is leaving me to deal with everything at home overnight and tomorrow morning/afternoon.

I'm annoyed that for months now, I've been made to believe that him leaving so early today - and the need for the hotel - was because the venue was so far away and would be near on impossible to get home from, but it's actually turned out that that isn't the case at all. Getting home would've been entirely feasible, and leaving at most 2 hours before the reception started would've been ample time.

I'm annoyed that he's unnecessarily stretched out a 4hr event in to a 24hr thing and is expecting me to be perfectly okay with this - especially given everything I've currently got going on.

I'm annoyed that extra money has been spent; the hotel, dinner, pre drinks, when it didn't need to be and we could've used that to do something as a couple or a family.

And lastly, I'm annoyed because I know if I voiced any of this to him, it would've escalated in to a massive argument whereby I would've been made to feel so small, I would've felt terrible for speaking my mind, he'd have claimed he's 'never going out again' in an angry way, like he always defaults to saying, and it'd conclude with me feeling like a bad person and apologising for pissing him off.

Exactly. Leaving you alone to go and get pissed is one thing. Going unnecessarily early so he can sit on his own and relax while you wrangle two toddlers is completely out of order, as is spending money on a hotel and staying overnight when he could have just gotten a cab home. I would be absolutely fuming. I would never do this to DH and I would not be happy if he did it to me.

I can't believe you are getting mixed responses on this. He has been unbelievably selfish. He is thinking only about himself and using this as an excuse for ducking out of family life for 24 hours. I'd be furious.

Fine to go, but with a 35 week pregnant wife and two toddlers he should be going and coming home. Even driving there and not drinking! A small sacrifice given what I imagine you have had to sacrifice in the last few years with three pregnancies and newborns! (I had three under four so feel your pain). No excuses, selfish bastard.

You poor poor woman.

God love you.
He is nasty, selfish and couldn't give a toss about you or your children.

He is Gaslighting you the minute you protest about anything.

He doesn't care about anyone but himself.

You know this too.

Don't waste anymore time upsetting yourself.

It is as it is.

You need to focus on minding yourself and your children.

Make a plan. Without him.

Wishing you strength.

And lastly, I'm annoyed because I know if I voiced any of this to him, it would've escalated in to a massive argument whereby I would've been made to feel so small, I would've felt terrible for speaking my mind, he'd have claimed he's 'never going out again' in an angry way, like he always defaults to saying, and it'd conclude with me feeling like a bad person and apologising for pissing him off.
As many of us have said up thread since your updates, if this is a pattern of behaviour then you need to do some serious reflection and consider your options.

I don't think the 5 things in 8 months is a problem. Equally, you could have had time for yourself over this time if you had made it so rather than get annoyed that you spend your money on takeaways and he doesn't.

From your posts this seems like a long term problem and general lazy man problem. His overall attitude and not pulling his weight is concerning, so stop having babies with him.

You're either going to have to do either:

1. something meaningful to promote change (e.g. counselling or mediation)
2. you're going to have to make a decision that you're not willing to tolerate this and you and the children are better alone
3. Decide you are willing to tolerate it, not raise it, half raise it but back down and so on. If that's the case then there's no point getting angry over it and complaining because you've made the decision to accept and enable this behaviour.

And lastly, I'm annoyed because I know if I voiced any of this to him, it would've escalated in to a massive argument whereby I would've been made to feel so small, I would've felt terrible for speaking my mind, he'd have claimed he's 'never going out again' in an angry way, like he always defaults to saying, and it'd conclude with me feeling like a bad person and apologising for pissing him off.

This isnt lastly this is horrible and abusive behaviour - he lied to you and covered it up to the last minute and has made you feel that if you questioned him you would be made to feel small and apologise

you are in an EA relationship Im sorry

You sound frustrated, but also defeated.

He's not going to say "thank you" for this weekend as he doesn't think you have any say in whether he went overnight or not. Hr probably doesn't do much for you, and doesn't feel he needs to. He does feel that he can grind you down and that you'll tolerate and apologise for his tantrums. If you want this to change, the first step is to admit to yourself that this isn't right. Unfortunately if this continues then you'll have three children who see that daddies don't need to treat mummies with respect, mummies do all the work...

This is probably all related to your childhood and your husband's. Unfortunately you'll be passing it down to the next generation unless you challenge him. The upside is that after an initial adjustment (and like toddlers, he will test his new boundaries) he should end up respecting you more.

What's that saying about "people treat you however you allow them to"?

Chin up, you can do this.

So, I'm just comparing this circumstance to the last time I went out. It was this time last year, and was to an evening wedding reception, funnily enough!
He and I were both invited, but we got ready whilst juggling the DC's dinner and bed time routine, his DM arrived at ours to babysit literally a few minutes before we needed to leave. We then got the train, went to the reception and travelled home around midnight.

So, when it's both of us, we can deal with the DC's, leave at a normal time, return home and crack on, but when it's just him.... he needs to leave hours and hours early, and stay in a hotel and return the following afternoon

Gah. Wish I hadn't remembered all of that. That's just made me more annoyed.

Seems like he’s wanting to check out of being a father which I get because being a parent is tough... but... he has two little ones and one on the way and it’s not OK to sideline your family if you have one.

The time to consider a childfree status has LONG since passed and he needs to step up and stop being a colossal dick!

I get him needing the time away genuinely but the way he’s gone about it hasn’t been great especially considering some of the back story!

You need to stop letting him make you feel small in arguments and apologising. You need to be angry, stay angry and let hill know you're angry. Why are you allowing him to make you feel this way? Would you want your daughter in a relationship like this?

He's treating you like he doesn't give a fuck about you. And he's trained you to not argue back or raise any complaints with him. I really don't like the sound of him.

How do you family and friends feel about him, do they like him?

This thread has been a real wake up call for you OP. Now he needs a wake up call. He's emotionally abusing you really.

So he wouldn't expect his mother to do four extra hours so you could both chill. But be expects you to. Heavily pregnant.

he'd have claimed he's 'never going out again' in an angry way, like he always defaults to saying,

if he says this to you after the latest jaunt say "yes that would be best. glad you agree"

I'd have laughed at my husband if he had built in 5 hours of free time before a night out when I was heavily pregnant with no. 3 (I have 3 so have been there). Would just have said "are you on something?" Or I would have suggested I book into the hotel early and have a nap and he can swap with me at 7. But he wouldn't have done that to me.

Selfish fucker.

He’ll waltz in at 4pm, just before their tea time, so hand the kids over with the house a dump and all the washing up to do and go back for your dinner and let him put them to bed and deal with the mess.

So, when it's both of us, we can deal with the DC's, leave at a normal time, return home and crack on, but when it's just him.... he needs to leave hours and hours early, and stay in a hotel and return the following afternoon hmm

He doesn't need to do anything. You know that and he knows that. He WANTS to. His mother wouldn't put up with that shit so he didn't do it to her.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this loser, op.

He’ll waltz in at 4pm, just before their tea time, so hand the kids over with the house a dump and all the washing up to do and go back for your dinner and let him put them to bed and deal with the mess.

Do this except have a small bag packed and go to your sisters/friends/mums/hotel. Just tell him you are having a break, goodbye. And go. Come back at 4 pm the next day and don't apologise.

It's the need vs want that's riling me, for sure. Had the venue actually been miles and miles away warranting plenty of travel time, a total nightmare to get home from etc, then leaving early and staying over night would've been completely acceptable. But none of this was needed, and I'm pissed I've only discovered all of this on the day and not weeks/months beforehand.

This is all just him wanting to go early, want to stay out, wanting to come back the following day. It does feel selfish.

It does feel selfish.

It doesn't feel selfish. it IS selfish. He'll be angry if you call him on it because he knows he is being selfish.

As for the not loving being a father. Very few of us love the relentless grinding work that comes with being a parent to small children/infants. It is all joy and no fun as the man said. But you do it. You do your share. you don't make your heavily pregnant wife do your share. Is he going to be the same in the teen years - when you need him to step up (and you will) will he just be doing his own thing?

@usernamechangechange the need vs want for sure. His wants seem to trump your needs.

Also the lying ffs. Shitty behaviour.

If he had been honest and said to you 'I could really use some chill out time to decompress before #3 arrives. Would it work for you if I left a few hours early before the wedding.' Then you could have had a conversation about that that addressed the needs of both parties, decided together what the best approach was, it would have highlighted the fact that everyone needs downtime (including and especially you OP!!) and sought a fair solution.

But he didn't want a fair solution or to have to reciprocate or acknowledge your burden. He wanted to do as he pleased and so he figured out a way to con you into it.

The minute he walks through the door tomorrow you need to walk out and not return until at least 11 pm - can you go to your mum's or a friends - he needs to understand what those child free hour cost you.