Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

657 replies

usernamechangechange · 01/08/2019 09:37

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit Hmm at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

OP posts:
NoLeopard · 01/08/2019 18:15

If she'd have had it out with him before he'd left he'd still have gone but made her feel shit. Also in the heat of the moment you forget things or they twist your words. This way she can calmly say what needs to be said.

NoLeopard · 01/08/2019 18:16

Cross posts!

MammaBot211 · 01/08/2019 18:18

@Annasgirl 😂😂 Yes Fuck the bloody Spas Days!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/08/2019 18:29

Tbh OP, if he was any kind of decent father and husband, he'd have used his time this afternoon to give you some well needed rest, made you and the dc tea, put the dc to bed and then gone out!

I bet if roles were reversed, this is exactly what you would do before a night out with the girls?

maet · 01/08/2019 18:30

There's so many women on here desperate to be the "cool wife". OP you're not unreasonable. Your "D"H seems like an absolute dick.

Lovemenorca · 01/08/2019 18:31

It’s sounds like a shit marriage
You now feel like you’ve got your point across

You haven’t

He’s there. Read your message and popped it back in his pocket without another though. Leaving you to stew.

Lovemenorca · 01/08/2019 18:33

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a bit of a break, nothing wrong to wanting 5 hours alone.

But there is something very wrong with wanting this and actually going ahead and doing it knowing it’s going to make your partner unhappy.

MadameButterface · 01/08/2019 18:33

Spa days: the magical mumsnet solution for when your partner is a shiftless inconsiderate cunt

And while we’re at it

Fuck explaining carefully that he needs to pick up after himself/parent his own children

That in itself is a burden, part of wifework, emotional labour. That’s not a partner relationship, it’s a manager and employee relationship . Except the manager isn’t on a higher wage/status as on a workplace, they’re not getting paid at all! Women should not have to line manage men, we should not have to explain that bfing a baby through the night then getting up with a toddler at buttcrack o’clock is tiring, that toilets do not clean themselves, that watching a man spend family money all on himself with gay abandon while scrimping and saving for treats for the kids is degrading and infuriating.

Send him this article. Take control. Don’t dance around him when he gets back hoping he’ll be kind enough to discuss this with you like adults. Say to him ‘you lied to me about where the venue was. You lied to me so you could fuck off on your own and i am sick to the back teeth of this selfish behaviour, it is disrespectful and i will not tolerate it. You can fuck off to the sofa/spare room/your mother’s until you can explain yourself, no i am not letting you guilt trip me or sulk, pack your bag, off you fuck, grow the fuck up, you are a father now, act like one’

Be the angry one, the one he has to creep round, appease and explain himself to. At the minute you are making all the effort that holds your family together. Stop making that effort. How he responds will tell you all you need to know.

Cornettoninja · 01/08/2019 18:35

What’s the plan for when you have dc3? I’m a spiteful, petty arse and would be cancelling whoever you had to watch the kids, getting a new birth partner and making it clear no one was to bail him out to watch the kids for him.

Decormad38 · 01/08/2019 18:36

Because he can check in early. Who wouldn't want to go and chill first? I sure would!

Lovemenorca · 01/08/2019 18:38

I’m a spiteful, petty arse and would be cancelling whoever you had to watch the kids, getting a new birth partner and making it clear no one was to bail him out to watch the kids for him.

Spiteful. Petty. Understatement

73Sunglasslover · 01/08/2019 18:39

*Tbh, I do think 5 nights away in 8 months when we have DC's as young as ours is bad! I'm not talking nights out, I mean actual nights away - over night stays.

He went on this friends stag do about 6 weeks ago, so enjoyed several days/nights away then, then about two weeks after that, he was out again celebrating a birthday, and now it's the wedding. So in less than two months, he's had plenty of opportunities to unwind, recharge, 'let his hair down' so to speak. I just feel like leaving so early today is uncalled for and unnecessary.*

I don't see it as that much really. My OH had a week away when my kids were 1 and 2 and it was fine - even though in that week my youngest had grommets fitted. Each to their own but I think it's good to have some adult time away and if you've not had that then that's perhaps the issues - when the third DC is old enough you need to cash in your chips and have a break yourself.

adaline · 01/08/2019 18:40

Also, who gets married on a Thursday?!

People who don't want to pay the extortionate fees just to get married on a Saturday? I got married on a Tuesday and it was less than half the price of the equivalent weekend ceremony!

zippey · 01/08/2019 18:40

Maybe you have said up thread but why can’t he take the children? Then you get 24 hours to yourself without having to leave the house. The kids would probably love some aspects of a wedding. Everyone wins.

BlueJava · 01/08/2019 18:43

YANBU. Are you concerned he's going to see someone whilst there? concerns about watching porn? about what else he might be doing?

femfemlicious · 01/08/2019 18:43

All im saying is make this the last baby!. Even if you leave him now you 2ont be better off. He probably won't have them overnight. He will just have them once in a while.

Skittlenommer · 01/08/2019 18:55

Maybe you have said up thread but why can’t he take the children? Then you get 24 hours to yourself without having to leave the house. The kids would probably love some aspects of a wedding. Everyone wins

Because his reasons for bailing out early and booking a hotel was clearly to get away from his family, have a nap, a few pre-drinks, bit of a dance and a piss up! Genuinely don’t think he’s loving being a father but if so needs to stop producing babies likes they’re muffins!

CorBlimeyGovenor · 01/08/2019 18:58

5 hrs before the reception is perfect tbh. It just gives you enough time to wait until he's just got there and ring him and pant heavily telling him that you think the baby is coming. Then, once he's got home again and you've told him that it was a false alarm, it still leaves him sufficient time to make his way back to the reception.

LagunaBubbles · 01/08/2019 19:06

Also, who gets married on a Thursday?!

Its very common these days to have a midweek wedding, to save money.

Original poster
usernamechangechange · 01/08/2019 19:08

About him not loving being a father as someone has just concluded - I didn't actually want to mention this as I'm still trying to process it myself and work out how much of a joke it was,

But the other night, I put on What To Expect When You're Expecting (I watch it towards the end of all my pregnancies lol), and there's a moment where one of the dads tells an expectant father to stay on the child free side as having kids is where happiness goes to die - or something to that effect. I laughed, naturally, raising kids is hard and changes so much but I wouldn't ever say something so extreme myself. Anyhow, DH chimes in with 'ha! I actually told the people on the stag something similar'. I turned to him, shocked, and said 'what do you mean? What did you say?' and he said that he'd told them not to have kids (he was the only one there that has DC's) as it's so shit and so difficult, but then he apparently told them that he always looks at photos and videos of our DC's too because he loves them so much.

That's kind of stuck with me a bit and has made me question just how much he enjoys being a dad if he's actively telling his child free mates not to do it, but in an apparent 'jokey' way. Hmm

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/08/2019 19:08

You need to get angry OP though you have to - otherwise resentment is going to eat you and your relationship up. Whats the worse that can happen - its over? Not getting angry is going to cause the same issue

SignedUpJust4This · 01/08/2019 19:12

Being a good father is so much more than playing with the kids. He should be Pulling his weight around the house. Making sure his heavily pregnant wife is well rested and isn't stressed and has all the support she needs wih 2 young children. Making family a priority. Not spending unnecessary amounts of cash to duck put of parenting responsibilities (at best) or get up to stuff he knows she wouldn't like (at worst). This is not on and he is treating you with less care and respect than a friend.

SignedUpJust4This · 01/08/2019 19:13

Why do so many think that man doesn't have to help around the house because he works?? That's nuts.

Cornettoninja · 01/08/2019 19:37

lovemenorca fair call.

He’s hardly inspiring confidence at the moment though is he? It’s not all Kodak moments is it? Childbirth seems like another event he gets to sit passively by and then whip his phone out for his mates and bask in ‘being a great dad is soooo hard’.... can’t say I think a bloke like that deserves much consideration myself.

Pursefirst · 01/08/2019 19:43

OP, this is really sounding worse and worse....

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread