To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

[usernamechangechange]

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

My first thought was he might going to early to meet a prostitute.

FFS, he's 0.01% likely to be going to 'meet a prostitute', and 99.9% likely to be going early to skive off, put his feet up, have a few drinks and chill out.

🙄

DH messaged me earlier to say that he'd arrived at the hotel, and that the bus had taken an hour - I presume he told me how long the bus took in the hopes I'd turn around and be all 'bloody hell! Good job you left over 6 hours early then, eh!?'. He still got to the hotel with over 4 hours to spare, so he got no congrats from me who's now making dinners, trying to wind the DC's down etc.

He said that he's happy he left early as it's meant he doesn't have to rush around and panic about being late - quite how that was EVER going to happen with the time he left I just don't know. Anyway, I ended up messaging back and saying that this evening needn't have gone from a 4hr evening reception, in to a 24hr thing, and had I realised much sooner just how close to home the venue actually is, he definitely could've left later, I could've sorted him a lift there with no problems, and the money he's spent on a hotel, pre drinks and dinner could've gone on a taxi home. I told him I'm resentful of the fact he's managed to massively stretch this all out, particularly seeing as it's not like he's been cooped up indoors for the last few months - he's been out, doing things, enjoying himself and staying away - he didn't need to stretch this out so much.

He read my message and hasn't replied.
I know some of you will say 'but why didn't you say all of this to him before he left?' and honestly, it's for no reason other than I couldn't be fucked with an argument and to be made to feel like I'm guilt tripping him. But at least I've said my bit now, one way or another.

My first thought was he might going to early to meet a prostitute.

Really @Coffeeandcherrypie the poor op is 35 weeks pregnant.She doesnt need you putting that crap out there.

A good father would look after the heavily pregnant mother of his children by giving you a few hours this afternoon off and taking the children to the park to tire them out, then doing a joint effort to feed them and wrestle them into bed before getting into a taxi to his evening do, leaving you with a box set and your feet up. Anyone with kids can understand the urge to go sit in a peaceful hotel room for a few hours, but not at the expense of your partner's well being.

100% agree with this. That would be my expectation of a good husband and father. It's an evening out he's been invited to, and that's what he should be going to. He's a piss taker and the updates about how he behaves when you try to discuss it are very telling. He sounds like an utter wanker.

My first thought was he might going to early to meet a prostitute.

He’s a Dad trying to escape his responsibilities. Can’t think where you conjured a prostitute up from!

He has gone for the peace and quiet. No-one ever wants to know when you have three children a friend told me, even grandparents baulk at babysitting that many. Your peace will come when the last one is waved off to nursery, so you just have to hang in there OP.

That would piss me off, pregnant with kids or not.
It seems like a lot of effort for a mid week wedding reception.
Is there any chance that he is not spending this time alone?

He's glad because he didn't have to 'rush around and panic' ? It's a fucking evening piss up not an invasive surgical procedure or an Oxbridge interview. Jeez

I would order and read Wifework op. Yo will find the parts about women feeling like without a partner they would be financially worse off and have less time to themselves, then making the break and finding the opposite to be true particularly interesting i expect.

And i’d be having a chat with him along the lines of ‘i’ve been thinking how i could get more child free chill time to make things fair, and i was thinking that maybe you moving your lazy selfish arse out and having the kids every other weekend sounds like just the ticket’

He’s got more to lose than you have, stop letting him walk all over you. Of course he loves being a dad, he gets all the kudos and cute fun bits with none of the graft. Sometimes they need a short sharp shock to wake them up.

He's just making the most of the break that's all. I go away with my mum and sister every year and we love the kid free time! I'm going to a festival in a couple of weeks and my best friend (mum of two the same age as yours) and I are leaving early in the morn to maximise our weekend! He owes you a spa day to put your feet up before the new baby arrives. If not make sure you bank it. Xx

I know NoLeopard, I think that's another reason why I'm so miffed. If he was a best man, or part of the grooms party, I could totally understand him needing to leave so early today to make 100% sure he was there on time with no hiccups.
But he's an evening guest... will be spending about 4 hours getting pissed, this total and utter over planning and over reaction to how early he needed to leave to ensure he wasn't a second late has all been so dramatic and uncalled for.

That was a good message OP. And fair, I think.

Also, who gets married on a Thursday?!

If one more person mentions the OP "just letting it go and going for a spa day in return" I promise I will jump out of this computer and slap them.

OP, you have fallen into a trap that many of us did, putting your life into your children (which is a good thing) but doing so with a man who is not on the same page (which is not a good thing). You need to make plans for yourself, my wake up call came after DC3 arrived and I had hellish PND and all of the healthcare people told me it was because I had no support at home from DH. I have gone back to qualify and hope to be in full time employment very soon (currently I work in our business) and you need to make plans to have a life for you, whatever that is, and do not rely on him changing.

Your husband is slowly ebbing the life out of you, you even said he twists it all back on to you when you try communicate about anything. You seemed defeated and accepted the fact this is the way it's going to be, well no @usernamechangechange you need to start fighting back. He guilt trips you because he knows it works.

If one more person mentions the OP "just letting it go and going for a spa day in return" I promise I will jump out of this computer and slap them.

Agree. It’s missing the point

I am so glad you are now thinking about all these issues in more detail. It sounds like you have started to realise that things aren't quite right and it is great that you are now discussing them on here.

One thing I wanted to add to the discussion is that, probably due to your husband's likely reaction but you seem to have got into the habit of addressing the issues with your husband after the event.

• when he came home from the four days away, not before
• when he was literally about to walk out the door to the wedding
• when he is actually at the hotel having gone so early

I wonder if you would get a better response if you addressed these things before they happen. I know you tried with the stag night and he brushed you off but don't let yourself be brushed off.

How long does he ever look after your two children by himself for? Has he any idea what it is like?

I know what you mean about it being hard to get away but could you not bugger off for a night yourself to a hotel soon? Before the birth - just to put your feet up and not have an early morning for once? Just like he is right now?

Sorry, lots of questions .

Sorry OP but u sound sour grapes. For the sake of a few hours? What would u want him to do instead?

Do his fair share of parenting before he goes for a night of drinking. Madness I know.

Fab that you have told him OP and you have been clear with him. I think you should carry on texting what you need from now on starting - 'when you were away it gave me a chance to think...'

-when baby comes.you will need to do more housework or we will need a cleaner
-you will need to wash up.more

• you will need to take other DC out every sunday for the while day
• you will need to.cook most nights

nights -I will be going away for a few days when baby is 6-mths

Time to press the reset button.

usernamechangechange As another poster has said, it’s time to stop backing down. Be angry, don’t apologise when he starts twisting things. YANBU. He’s supposed to be your partner in life.
I’m really sorry you’ve had so many nasty replies on this thread. You must be feeling so tired and over being heavily pregnant, you’re legitimately pissed off with your selfish husband, and you’ve got a thread loaded with pointlessly nasty or unhelpful replies.
I hope you can get back to your old self and stand up to his bullshit. He needs to pull his weight.

When I was having problems explaining stuff to DH when pregnant, (hormones making me emotional) I used to email him. It meant I could write it down calmly, and then we could talk about it once he'd had the chance to think about what I was saying. I'm not saying it always meant proper conversations, but it worked most of the time.

Mind, my DH wouldn't have gone hours earlier to any do, as I'd have laughed in his face if he'd suggested it.

He read my message and hasn't replied.
I know some of you will say 'but why didn't you say all of this to him before he left?' and honestly, it's for no reason other than I couldn't be fucked with an argument and to be made to feel like I'm guilt tripping him. But at least I've said my bit now, one way or another.

But you did it anyway, but in a way that meant means no benefit to you whatsoever whereas if you’d said it earlier and to his face - you have have worked out a resolution that worked for you.

Saying it to his face before he left wouldn't have changed anything. He still would've gone and left early, but he'd have left in the middle of an argument instead, and I'd have been stuck at home even more annoyed than I currently am.

Regarding communicating with him via emails/messages etc - this is something I've tried soooo many times. I too can get my point across better when I'm writing it down, but DH will just read my message, then not bring it up. When I try addressing whatever I'd said in the message, he just clams up and has zero input 🤷🏻‍♀️ it's a lose-lose situation for me.