To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

[usernamechangechange]

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

A 'good' father he may be but he's a crap husband by the sound of it. If he treats you as badly as you say then I can't fathom why you would have have more than one child with him, let alone 3. But perhaps you've only just noticed?

Either way, now that you have you need to take some action. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being a second class citizen in your own home? Is that a good example to set to your children?

It is not alot in eight months.

It is a lot when the other parent has had zero.

Obviously he is looking forward to his day away and chilling.

No shit. Insightful contribution, there.

Skittlenommer - Just because you wouldn't enjoy Motherhood, no need to accuse the OP of the same thing.

Read her updates, angell84. Sheds some light on why she hasn’t confronted him about this more forcefully.

Five nights away for fun stuff in eight months is a fair amount when your partner is pregnant and you have two small children at home. But it’s clear the OP’s problems go beyond that.

But GPatz, it doesn't sound as if the OP is enjoying motherhood.

I wouldn't be either, in her shoes.

He's a shit dad for treating the mother of his children like a doormat and skivvy.

Time to woman up and show your DC when they grow up, this is not what a normal relationship looks like.

What a crafty bugger, he managed to turn a family invitation to an evening reception into 24 hour solo minibreak. I hope he's paying for the not needed hotel out of his own money.

Getting you to write the card is the cherry on top.

Nasty.

Considering you are pregnant and have 2 Dc, I think he’s taking the piss.

He's seriously taking the piss. He could use that time off to give you a break the selfish twat.

He is not a good father. Ignoring the fact that he is a terrible husband to their mother he actively avoids time with them and by OP's admission would have ignored his DC while getting drunk if they had all attended the wedding.

I think I'd be a much 'better' parent if I had a skivvy to do 99% of the housework so all I had to do was play with the kids and 'help' with bedtime (surely with two kids its fair and obvious to split it down the middle?). A good parent does the boring practical stuff as well as the fun stuff and shows their kids that when they grow up they have to do their share. Not marry someone who will do it for them / get married and do someone else's share because they work (depending on sex of child)

He is a good father and I could never and would never take that statement away.

He really really isn't, OP. Part of being a good parent is making sure that everyone in the family is treated fairly and with respect.

What would you advise a friend if she told you everything that you have told us here?

OooErMissus I get fed up with my kids and DH, doesn't mean I don't enjoy Motherhood.

I can’t believe you honestly think this man is a good father when he treats the mother of his children like this.
I’m a sahp. My DH sees the weekends as my time off. I go to exercise classes, out for walks, or even just lie in while he gets the kids up. He does the majority of the housework at the weekend and takes the kids out by himself. That’s a good dad.
I’m fairly confident he wouldn’t lie to me about the location of a night out to escape 6 hours earlier then needed. Or expect me to fund takeaways and household items while he swans off for 4 days on a stag do.

Do you think mothers don’t go away without their DC and DH and make the most of it? Or do they only ever run out at the last minute?

I’m sure some do, although I don’t know any mums who’ve gone on fun nights away with two under 3 at home, and even if they did their DH wouldn’t be heavily pregnant would they?

I certainly don’t know any mums to two small toddlers that go off on four day hen dos and don’t show any appreciation for their partner bearing the load while they’re away.

I don’t know any mums that bugger off hours earlier than necessary and dump everything on their partner, and act like an arsehole when challenged.

It seems some men can opt in and out of parenting when it suits them. I don’t know any mums who behave this way.

No no no. You need to work on your mindset. The wedding would NOT be you looking after tired children and him sinking pints. You both have children, you both parent them. I think you are worn down by him living the single life because he somehow has the funds to do so. And he is NOT a 'good' father however much he or you might compare him to extremely lazy men that you know!

a good father would never treat a mother like this ever. A good partner is not one who shirks everything and does his own thing

With regards to him wearing me down, that's exactly what it's been. A long, drawn out process that I've not even really realised has been happening until a couple months ago when I suddenly thought 'hang on a minute, old me wouldn't have tolerated this and would have said something with no fear'. Don't get me wrong, I have still tried recently to address things with him, but it's always the same result. I'm mad, or upset about something, I bring it up with DH, he gets mad at me or twists it, I feel guilty, I apologise, I end up wondering why I said anything in the first place.

Read what you wrote OP - he has made you lose and doubt yourself so he can get his own way. Stop feeling guilty and start telling him how it should be. What are you scared of - him leaving? Because what will change for you then apart from the relief of no longer having to worry about him. You should have no fear because surely nothing can be worse than losing and doubting yourself

I can't believe some of the responses you are getting here OP. He is massively taking the piss, what a selfish twat he sounds.

If you think that he is away too many hours...maybe you know......say it to him?

Why should she have to? Because men need everything spelled out to them like bloody children?

This is bonkers. Why do people keep saying she should do the same. When she has said she doesn't wish to.

And if the stag do was four days, so other than his birthday, the stag, and now the wedding t, that's all he has been away in the eight months?

@usernamechangechange, you really need to dig down deep and stop giving a shit what he feels like. That’s the only reason he is able to twist things. He’s benefited too much from your empathetic nature at your cost.

To save him from feeling bad you’re feeling bad. You know that’s bollocks. You know you’re not asking for anything out of the ordinary here and you wouldn’t ask him to curtail his social life on a whim yet he still pushes the boundaries you try and put in place without seemingly giving a shit that you are upset or that you are missing out on adult time with him and instead are housebound with bath, bedtimes, night wakings and the morning alone whilst in late pregnancy.

From what you have posted here you are most definitely not insisting he spends his time massaging your feet and ironing, yet it’s still not enough for him that he gets an evening out, his own bed for an uninterrupted night and a peaceful breakfast to deal with his hangover so he makes sure he gets a half day naval gazing too.

So what if you are guilt tripping him - he should feel fucking guilty!

I don’t know where you are in your relationship in general but I bet the thought has crossed your mind you would get more downtime if you split up and he had visits with the dc. I’ve been there, it’s a pretty drastic solution just because a selfish adult can’t get their shit together.

People have asked 'why' I keep having kids with him. He is a good father and I could never and would never take that statement away. He plays with them whenever he's home, he does help with bed times etc. He's shit at housework and that's an on going issue but irrelevant to what he's like with the DC's so pointless me adding that in, I guess.
He's not a good father. He plays with them when he is home and 'helps' with bed times.

I said this on another thread as well, men don't 'help' around the house or 'help' with parenting. They either do their fair share of chores for their respective home situation or they don't. They either do a fair share of parenting or they don't.

Women excusing them, saying they don't mind doing more, they're a good dad really and so on are making a rod for their own backs by making this behaviour acceptable (usually martrying themselves in the process because they couldn't possibly have time to themselves etc).

I don't think 5 times away in 8 months is unreasonable. I also think you martyr yourself a bit regarding not giving yourself any time to yourself. However, if you choose to keep having kids with a man because you think being a good dad means he helps with bedtime and plays with them then you're making your own bed I'm afraid.

He wants a disco nap. Whilst I do love a hotel disco nap before a party, I do think it's rather mean of him to bugger off for the afternoon leaving you with two toddlers, and I would be pissed off about it too.

I agree with you @Bluntness100 !