To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

[usernamechangechange]

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

He sounds horrible. And he's a liar.

Do you get the same amount of 'you' money?

Skittlenomer I dont think it reinforces your child free status. I think it reinforces your not being married to a twat status. It's the father causing the issues not the kids

I’m just baffled as to why it’s gotten to the point where you’ve had (almost) three kids with someone in quick succession when he doesn’t pull his weight and help out!

What's the point in being with him, honestly?

Reason I said they all should have gone is that maybe they could have had some fun together (even though actually I think he's a wanker). Kids can sleep in corners at weddings.

Yeah but it's only the evening part so most likely would be starting at the kids bedtimes, I couldn't think of anything worse and more stressful then trying to entertain or get off to sleep two toddlers in a loud hall............and let's be real here would the husband be so eager to get out the door if he had to bring all the kids?

Not literally in corners, but in buggies etc

Well she can’t shove them back in, Skittle, so whether or not it’s easier to be childfree is a bit beside the point now.

Very true meringue!

@usernamechangechange he deliberately makes you feel like the unreasonable one, so that you will never question anything he does. He swans about doing as he pleases and you can't ever criticise this, because he huffs about as though you're picking on him and never "let" him go anywhere. You then doubt yourself and leave him to it

You spend all of your time, energy, and money on keeping the family happy. He either doesn't notice, or doesn't care.

I think you have more problems than him fucking off for the afternoon.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

He is taking the piss, you could quite easily go into Labour at 35 weeks, and what help is he? I think he is relying on you to stay at home so he can go off and do this. Well change of plan is required. Why should you not have a nice night out in a hotel before you deliver ?

Tell your DH you have changed your mind and all of you will be attending the wedding.

Oh god. Taking the kids was a no no from the get go! I couldn't think of anything worse than dragging two toddlers out right at bed time, then proceeding to try and get them to sleep in a loud venue when neither of them sleep in the pushchair, all whilst I uncomfortably sit my pregnant arse on a wooden chair watching DH sink back the pints. Yeah. No thanks. Some people might find that to be a fun evening, but I certainly don't.

People have asked 'why' I keep having kids with him. He is a good father and I could never and would never take that statement away. He plays with them whenever he's home, he does help with bed times etc. He's shit at housework and that's an on going issue but irrelevant to what he's like with the DC's so pointless me adding that in, I guess.

With regards to him wearing me down, that's exactly what it's been. A long, drawn out process that I've not even really realised has been happening until a couple months ago when I suddenly thought 'hang on a minute, old me wouldn't have tolerated this and would have said something with no fear'. Don't get me wrong, I have still tried recently to address things with him, but it's always the same result. I'm mad, or upset about something, I bring it up with DH, he gets mad at me or twists it, I feel guilty, I apologise, I end up wondering why I said anything in the first place.

lf you don't want to deal with the limitations of pregnancy and small babies then stop getting pregnant!

Or maybe the dp should stop getting op pregnant if he wants to carry on living like a single man.
Yanbu op. Some really harsh replies on here.

OP, what it seems like is that this thread is actually about you being very very run down, not having a break, investing everything into house home and family whilst your OH benefits from this without putting mush else in.

You have baby no 3 coming, and if I were you i would use this time to think about what you need from your OH. He will presumably have to step up but your not talking to him and hes not listening to u by the sounds of it.

Its really hard having 3 babies this age and I had a similar experience with mine. Literally, myself and OH took it in turns to sleep in the spare bedroom, the house was a mess, we took it in turns to cook, take the children out, give each other quiet time - even time in the morning to shower. You really need to be a team. If its unequal now - hence why you feel so much resentment- then sorry, it will not get any easier.

You havent given any details about whether he does pull his weight normally, just that he goes away. And that he is emotionally bullish.

Are you happy with him?

Playing with the kids and doing bedtime doesn't make him a good father there's a lot more to parenthood than that - and yes, that includes housework!

Stop apologising for your feelings. You are entitled to them and you are entitled to express them to your husband, even if ultimately you disagree about the matter.
I hope his “good father” status involves more than playing and “helping” with bedtimes. I’m massively unsurprised that he does not do his fair share of the housework, he’s big enough to pop on to the WikiHow site and watch a video of how to do the basics.

And yet again; he’s ‘a good father’ clearly not 🙄

I mean, I guess I thought the housework aspect was a separate issue, but I guess they do interlink.
I do about 98% of the housework, heavily pregnant or not. While I don't mind doing the lions share as I am the SAHP, it's definitely been something that I've brought up time and time again. Things like sharing cooking, me not being the only one doing the majority of the laundry, dishes not just being left to me about 6 days out of 7 etc.

I dunno. I suppose I'm just fed up and now even more resentful that he not only gets a night out, but an afternoon to sit in a hotel room too that wasn't even needed in the first place.

I'd disagree that housework is an irrelevance issue to what kind of father he is. Young children need a house that's at a minimum level of tidiness and cleanliness, for safety. This takes work. Leaving it all to the children's other parent and watching them struggle, especially when they're gestating, is not good parenting. If he earned enough to outsource everything you might have a point, but that doesnt seem to be the case. What he's choosing to do is make life harder for his children's already tired and run down other parent, which is not in their interests. Particularly not for the one in utero.

@usernamechangechange you sound really deflated, being 35 weeks pregnant probably isn't helping with that either you poor thing :(

Oh OP. He's worn you down so much you just go along with what he says to avoid an argument that you know you won't win

No, he's not a good father.

I know good fathers, and this isn't it.

And I'm sorry, but I'm kinda with skittle. And I say this as someone with DC.

I just find these threads such a depressing read. There's absolutely nothing any of us can say to help.

I really suggest you sort out some rock solid contraception after DC3, as one positive, proactive thing that you can do.

A good father would look after the heavily pregnant mother of his children by giving you a few hours this afternoon off and taking the children to the park to tire them out, then doing a joint effort to feed them and wrestle them into bed before getting into a taxi to his evening do, leaving you with a box set and your feet up. Anyone with kids can understand the urge to go sit in a peaceful hotel room for a few hours, but not at the expense of your partner's well being.

I would think exactly the same if the roles were reversed!

The initial issue wasn't the DH had been out boozing 5 times in 8 months. It was that on his 5th time GOING AWAY (not including the other nights out he has had where he didn't stay out!) overnight in excess of 24 hours leaving his wife on her own it turns out he LIED about the location/travel difficulties to buy himself 4/5 hours of free time which could and really should have been spent helping his wife with the children that THEY BOTH created! It is an entirely selfish move, and it turns out that if OP raises it as an issue he becomes a 3rd child and sulks/deflects/gives her a guilt trip.

I would be fuming. My OH works away often, but if he pulled something like this when I was 35 weeks pregnant, probably feeling vulnerable, tired, anxious and then being the sole carer for the other 2 young children at the same time I would not be OK with it, and I do not expect her to be! They both chose to have 3 children, it's not like it happened by grace of God is it? Pretty sure this is not how the OP imagined spending her 35th week of pregnancy!

Oh OP, you sound so fed up and defeated

Being a good parent is doing the crap bits too - that includes the endless housework, the laundry, stripping the beds, the day to day drudgery of looking after small children.

You're home with two under 3's and you're heavily pregnant, and he thinks it's acceptable to go off to a wedding reception and stay away overnight (presumably getting smashed in the process) - what would he do if you went into labour? Who would look after your small DC while you went into hospital?

He didn't even bother to help out this morning before swanning off for his relaxing "chill time". This man is not a good father.

You say 5 nights away like it is alot!

It is not alot in eight months.

Obviously he is looking forward to his day away and chilling.

If you think that he is away too many hours...maybe you know......say it to him?