To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

[usernamechangechange]

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

It sounds to me OP, that this incident has just made you realise that while you have been putting all your time, money and energy into family, your DH has been putting all of his into making HIS life better/more fun.
He's gone now so try not to seethe with resentment, difficult though that may be.
You DO need an honest heart to heart when he comes back otherwise this relationship is doomed.
Only you know if it's worth the effort.

You sound a lot like my mum. She goes on and on about how hard it was having three kids under three, what a selfish twat my dad was, etc.

All she did was complain, and never questioned her own choices or attempted to leave him.

As the third child, I can say with certainty, they should have definitely stopped at two.

You asked and he told you - he wants to chill out before the wedding. You should have gotten a babysitter so you could have gone too. Pregnant people can go to weddings too you know.

Ah yes, sourcing an overnight babysitter for two toddlers, definitely the easy option

She definitely needs to be more assertive about calling him on stuff, but she’s not unreasonable to not want to go to a wedding at 35 weeks pregnant when she has toddlers at home.

What JustTheCrowsAndTheBeef said with a million bells on.

I don't think he is BU. But I'd only say that if the OP got the same support to 'go out and chill' from her dh. If I were you, when he said 'I won't go then' simply replied with 'ok'
Or I'd have told him you'd Ben accompanying him to the hotel, you'd get 4 hrs rest in the room whilst he looked after the dc, you'd then go home and leave him to it. Sorry OP, you need to force the issue

He should be falling over himself with gratitude that you're facilitating him going at all I'm expecting our first and my partner went away this weekend when I was 29 weeks. It was absolutely fine but I'm huge, knackered and uncomfortable as it is - he wouldn't dream of going away from me for anything that wasn't totally essential in six weeks time. And that's without leaving me with other kids to look after! Pregnancy is exhausting and difficult and very long. I don't expect my partner to defy the laws of nature and be pregnant himself but I sure as fuck expect him not to make my life harder while I go through it to create the child we both wanted. OP's DH should be sending her upstairs with a cup of tea and minding the kids downstairs the vast majority of the time, never mind adding an arbitrary six hours to the solo childcare she's doing so he can have a night out.

I've not been passive aggressive, nor have I been straight to the point as neither get me anywhere when it comes to DH.

Any time I speak up, speak my mind, have an opinion, things become twisted, taken out of context, I'm almost always made to look like the bad guy for expressing myself and wind up being the one to apologise or coming round to his way.

When he went on the stag do a few weeks back, I told him a few months prior to him going that I was worried I'd struggle while he was away (it was a four day trip) - his response... 'you'll be fine!'. When he came back from the trip, I sat him down and told him that I did in fact really struggle and that I wished he'd taken me more in to consideration when he was planning on leaving a heavily pregnant woman to deal with two young DC's on her own for several days. As I expected, he got annoyed at me, stated he wouldn't bother going away again as it wasn't worth the stress I was giving him, that I was just trying to guilt trip him and control him, and I was left feeling utterly awful, despite the fact I'd just spent days on end looking after his kids while he went away and had fun, spending so much money that we could have spent together as a couple or a family.

Our conversations almost always go that way, so I now see little point in voicing my opinions as it really does get me nowhere and I'm always painted to be the villain.

When we first got together, I was very outspoken, but over the years, I'm slowly being ground down to some compliant little being that's becoming scared to speak up because I can't be arsed with having it thrown back in my face each and every time.

Call him and tell him you think you're in labour!! 🤣🤣🤣

@JustTheCrowsAndTheBeef has it.

Op you seriously need to have a long hard think about your marriage. He's taking the piss and in a sense, emotionally abusing you. What you describe is emotional blackmail. Kicking off & sulking/guilt tripping you if you dare to question him?! Wtaf?

Call him back. Get him to come home. Seriously

I don’t think he should have done what he’s done, but now that he’s gone I don’t think it’s going to do you any good to keep dwelling on it.

My advice would be to forget about this thread, to try to put his selfish
behaviour out of your mind and to put yourself first.

Try and give yourself a little treat. Put a dvd on for the children and try and relax.

When the baby is here and you are back to normal you can address these issues.

My DH did something similar, years ago, when I was expecting my third child. He did realise the error of his ways, in the end, after I trained him! 😀. Now we have been happily married for a long time.

I think I know how you feel, take care. X

From your update OP I think this wedding is only the tip of the iceberg .
When is he due back ? If I were you I would be ready to leave the house as soon as he walks in. Go to the cinema , a local cafe , any place and stay out as long as possible . 💐

OP but have you actually said to him how you feel? It sounds like you just sat there and off he went!

Okay. Forget being assertive about what you need, clearly he doesn’t care what you need. Start thinking seriously about the future of your marriage.

I think you should just keep calm about all this, despite you being upset about the time he will be away,and you at home with your children. It's your husbands choice to go at a certain time, as in take his time to do what he want's to do.

The idea stated by someone here,that you should get a tracker thing is quite ludicrous,the mind boggles with some people's ideas.!

You have already said,that you didn't mind him going to this function,so there is no point in getting in a tizzy about his time of going there.

He's sounding more & more like a dick.

Have you thought about counselling?

He's obviously worked out an effective recipe of behaviours to manipulate you into silence and compliance with his view of the world. You need to break this dynamic where he alone decides what is fair/reasonable/controlling/good/bad. A third party can help you communicate more effectively.

But why do you find yourself pregnant for a third time with someone who probably wasn’t pulling his weight after the first!!?

@HappyLoneParentDay GENIUS!

OP this is more of an issue that today’s situation and you clearly know it

He’s walking all over you. Manipulating the situation to mean he can do whatever he likes and anytime you question it or ask for help he accuses you of being mean.

Read your posts.
Why are you in this relationship?

He sounds horrible. Telling the one person that is supposed to support you, that you've struggled isn't 'giving him stress' or 'controlling' or 'guilt tripping'. I'm sorry OP but it sounds like you're going to end up hating him if nothing changes. Woukd he go to counselling with you to help you both communicate better? What happens if you had a hen do for 4 days, what would he say?

What a useless arsehole. It was clear that you weren't BU from your very first post, and the updates have confirmed it.

He sounds like a wanker. He lied to you about where it is?!! Wtf! And as the venue is so near why IS he staying over and not getting a cab home?
Tbh I think you should all have gone to the wedding.

In light of your update then I would say you need to consider the future of this marriage.

However, much as this may seem awful, Skittlenommer has a point. If this has been his attitude for years then why on earth get into having a 3rd child? It's something I struggle to get my head around (online and offline), if I'd been spending a substantial period of time feeling ignored, not valued and the relationships wasn't good, throwing another baby in is only ever going to add more pressure and more stress and more financial burden.

I think you need to look at your options OP because this situation isn't going to change any time soon and you'll have a new born in a few weeks.

This thread should be shown to any couple considering having children!

Your DP/DH may say all the right things pre-baby but women take the brunt of the responsibility! Career is impacted, freedom is impacted, mental health is impacted etc etc! It’s not fair, but it’s true!

Not having children is a valid and far less stressful option!