Doormat or Bastard

[WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]

I can't decide whether agreeing to this favour would make me a doormat (or if saying no would be bastard-ish). In essence, my 8 yr old DC has a "friend" who lives very nearby. The parents have asked if I can look after their DC for a short while (up to half an hour) and then walk them to school (same school as my DC) a couple of days a week.

The background to this is that our DCs used to be very good friends at school, and for a year or two I would regularly have their kid round to play after school. This was almost never reciprocated, which eventually started to feel really awkward for me (as my DC kept asking, and kept being turned down. I started to suspect that they just didn't like my DC). Circumstances changed last year, and our paths rarely crossed. Our DCs friendship faded significantly.

I chatted with DH about it when the parent messaged me asking for this favour, and he (ruthless bastard that he is) feels that we should just say no on the basis that they've pretty much avoided contact/friendship until they need me.

For one day of the week it's not a problem to me to take their kids round to school, but on the other day we'd have them hanging around for half an hour at an already busy time (I have four DC - mornings can be hectic!).

It feels like saying no would be petty, and if they'd been even slightly reciprocal a few years ago I'd be much more open to the idea. On the other hand, this feels like a fairly major commitment/favour, and I just feel a bit...used?

AIBU in saying "no". What's the Mumsnet judgement on this situation?

Not your kids, not your problem.

It's not as if you're good friends with the parents or your DC is still good friends with their DC !

They're basically CF'S who are asking you to do this solely based on where you live !

Borrow your husbands backbone and say 'NO'.

Hi CF, sorry I can't help out with this. Our mornings are hectic at the moment. I'm sometimes first thing (this is hypothetically true, although I have no plans for the foreseeable future), and I'm also hoping DC will be going to the bus stop alone soon. Timing wouldn't work out for older DC either as she leaves for school at 8. Sorry again, WBdelaS"

You gave 4 excuses and apologised twice OP. I really think you need to work on not feeling beholden to everyone who asks you for something.

Next time: fewer words, no apologies unless you do something wrong. Think 'What would DH do?'

They're basically CF'S who are asking you to do this solely based on where you live

These ones do sound a bit CF in general but it's fine to ask someone for a favour, just as it's fine to say no.

What next ?

Can you look after in the school holidays ?

Stop this now, a polite but firm no.

Your DH is right, just say no. There's no need to back it up with an explanation, I'd be thanking your DH as they sound like CF and it may escalate. By all means don't stop the kids having play dates just practice keeping a stony face and saying no

Well done OP. All sorted.

A bit too apologetic, but at least you made it clear it was a no.

I'm sure you'll be able to soon spot the sucker she finds to do it for her.

I knew someone would pick holes in the two "sorry"s! Out of curiosity how would you have replied? Bearing in mind these are people who I occasionally bump into in the street and when that happens we have a friendly chat. Just replying "no" or "I can't do that" seems unnecessarily abrupt.

@SpawnChorus did you change username by accident?

I'm also truly not someone who is "always beholden to everyone who asks a favour". I rarely agree to favours and by and large only agree to ones that are easy for me. This one felt like a big favour (in terms of duration) but at least one of the days would have been of little effort, and I'm guessing would have made a big difference to them (and I do think they're generally good/nice people - they just haven't been particularly friendly to me and my DC).

Fuck... I'm not good with the name change thing.

I don't think you're obliged to do them this favour, if it's difficult for you. It might be nice for your kid to have another kid around, though it depends what he's like! But if it's a huge commitment, then don't. I wouldn't, however, refuse just on a 'tit for tat' basis because they haven't reciprocated enough. People can have quite a few reasons for not being the ones to invite others over (overcrowding, illness in a family member, overwork, marital problems. etc) and the same issues may be why they want help themselves. I'm not saying that this means that you should do them this favour - you are not social services, the before/after school club, or even a close friend or relative -just that I wouldn't refuse as a sort of punishment.

I'm glad you said no.

I collected a friend's kids 3x a week for a couple of years. She wasn't a CF'er by any stretch and 9/10 was at our house a minute or so after we dawdled there, but it was still really, really awkward when my DS started to want to walk home himself because I felt really guilty.

In the end it came to an end when I ended up having a really complicated pregnancy - a pretty drastic way to get out of it!!

I knew someone would pick holes in the two "sorry"s! Out of curiosity how would you have replied? Just replying "no" or "I can't do that" seems unnecessarily abrupt.

I suggested a reply very early in the thread, it was brief. Most people who are direct in asking favours are happy to have a direct answer.

You should express yourself how you are comfortable. That said, your insistence that you don't feel beholden or want to please people does not seem to match the level of thought you have given this or the tone of your text.

Based on what you've said, I think you might be happier being a little blunter and having firmer boundaries. No shame in that, we can all do things better- I constantly have to work on not being too blunt.

Absolutely not
No
Users

DonQuixote - if I received that reply from someone (who I happily chat with in passing), I'd think they had the hump with me. It's seems very abrupt! But I can accept that my reply is unnecessarily fluffy/too apologetic.

And I will definitely experiment with being a bit blunter!

The bit about "what would dh do?" is also giving me pause for thought. He can be quite blunt, and I know some people find him "unfriendly" at first. Eg a friend commented the other day on how she thought he was a bit scary until she got to know him. He's a genuinely warm, kind (more than me probably!) person, but he lacks my "fluff".

I really like your reply, actually. It's polite and gives no doubt that you really can't do it.

@SpawnChorus my dp is the same.He can be very blunt.But people seem to like that about him.I have often used him to get out of things because he is blunt and people dont seem to take offence to it.

Say no. Many moons ago my friend constantly palmed her dd off on us so she could work late as it would be nice for her and my dd to play together.
My dd got really sick of it and ds even more so.
I was promised money but oh god how many excuses were made on payment day. Never again. I ended up out of pocket feeding her dd too.
My dc still remember this girl and they are 25 and 31!

A def no. What would happen if you couldn't do one of the days cos one of your kids was sick etc. It sounds like it would add more stress which you don't need to do someone a favour just because they have the nerve to ask you. I'd listen to my husband!!

Just showed this to DH. He's looking smug

If they are willing to pay you for it, try and reach an agreement with them! If not,you are their doormat!