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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doormat or Bastard

133 replies

WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead · 31/07/2019 15:42

I can't decide whether agreeing to this favour would make me a doormat (or if saying no would be bastard-ish). In essence, my 8 yr old DC has a "friend" who lives very nearby. The parents have asked if I can look after their DC for a short while (up to half an hour) and then walk them to school (same school as my DC) a couple of days a week.

The background to this is that our DCs used to be very good friends at school, and for a year or two I would regularly have their kid round to play after school. This was almost never reciprocated, which eventually started to feel really awkward for me (as my DC kept asking, and kept being turned down. I started to suspect that they just didn't like my DC). Circumstances changed last year, and our paths rarely crossed. Our DCs friendship faded significantly.

I chatted with DH about it when the parent messaged me asking for this favour, and he (ruthless bastard that he is) feels that we should just say no on the basis that they've pretty much avoided contact/friendship until they need me.

For one day of the week it's not a problem to me to take their kids round to school, but on the other day we'd have them hanging around for half an hour at an already busy time (I have four DC - mornings can be hectic!).

It feels like saying no would be petty, and if they'd been even slightly reciprocal a few years ago I'd be much more open to the idea. On the other hand, this feels like a fairly major commitment/favour, and I just feel a bit...used?

AIBU in saying "no". What's the Mumsnet judgement on this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead · 31/07/2019 16:47

Cosentyx - definitely not "me" again Grin.

Message has been sent. Qualms have been banished.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 31/07/2019 16:48

Say. No.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 31/07/2019 16:48

Getting out of these arrangements is a lot harder than getting into them. If you can't say no now you'll really struggle to put a stop to it later.

Original poster
WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead · 31/07/2019 16:50

Sadly I think our DCs did get on well, but the parental "resistance" dampened their friendship.

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 31/07/2019 16:50

Whoops, x posted. Well done for sending the message. Don't cave!

Fourcandlesx · 31/07/2019 16:51

Goodness, I also now think you are talking about more than one child? If so then I want to be able to vote twice 😊

Original poster
WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead · 31/07/2019 16:51

On a brighter note, DH is proud of me (and my backbone).

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/07/2019 16:51

They are cheeky fuckers who want to use you. Don’t do it.

And don’t feel an iota of guilt - if they had reciprocated all the hospitality you gave their child, and asked your child round to their house occasionally, you might have felt more inclined to agree to this arrangement. But they didn’t want to have your child round even once, and are only in touch now because THEY need something.

I guarantee the favour won’t be reciprocated and there won’t be an invitation for your dc to go to their house.

Cheeky fuckers only get away with it because most people won’t refuse their cheeky .

Sewrainbow · 31/07/2019 16:52

No way, they are using you. Don't forget the impact this will have in your dc. Does the same aged one ever want to see the other child anymore? Even if they did occasionally that isn't the same as very week, the kids need downtime too and then what happens if you or kids are sick, away etc?

People always think oh it's just an extra half hour she is doing it anyway, but it rarely is that...

miaCara · 31/07/2019 16:52

What Marylou said
They see you as convenient staff, not worthy of real friendship

They didnt want anything to do with you or your child when it might have been beneficial to you both to have a friend nearby.
But now you might be of some use its okay to contact you? No way Pedro.
Just think of them sitting in their house contemplating your familys usefulness to them. Your Eldest can do some 'babysitting' ! You can walk their youngest to school long after your own has gone off on his own.
Shocking.

Original poster
WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead · 31/07/2019 16:53

Yes, they have two DC, so I would have been taking both. And I really did NOT enjoy the school run with younger dawdling kids.

OP posts:
Chocolate1984 · 31/07/2019 16:54

Even if I liked the person I would never commit to this.

diddl · 31/07/2019 16:54

"No not in an 'emergency'! They'll suddenly have 3 emergencies a wk!"

Oh yes I wasn't referring to these people who have already asked.

sweetkitty · 31/07/2019 16:54

Coming back to this thread as forgot to type a message
No way do it OP they are cheeky duckers who are using you

Aworldofmyown · 31/07/2019 16:55

Well done OP - agreements like this never end well!!!

Wherearemycrayons · 31/07/2019 16:56

Well done OP must have been tough to say no!! But on the basis of one kid, they ABU but on the basis on wanting you to take both... massive CFs

pictish · 31/07/2019 16:56

Oh good. I was just coming on to say that you should politely refuse. Glad you have.

billy1966 · 31/07/2019 16:59

Absolutely not. They are not interested in fostering a friendship with your child. They could have had an odd playdate at the weekend if they had a shred of decency.

I have had children over lots of times when parents both work and they may not be able to return the favour often. But they do try and that's good enough.

You do not accept endless playdates without trying to reciprocate. Its basic manners.

Also never ever underestimate what a complete PITA it is having to factor in another child in the morning. It is inconvenient. With a busy household, things can change, in earlier, in later, child unwell, parents unwell.

You would have to be factoring in this favour all the time.

Also CF like this always ramp it up with another favour, more mornings, later, longer, their child is unwell.

I have heard enough stories from friends over the years, having had the total piss taken out of them, when they were being kind and obliging.

Do not be sucked in.

They are user's and definitely think you are a soft touch.

Derbee · 31/07/2019 17:01

Nope! Their children, their childcare. Not your problem, and they are blatantly using you. Glad you sent the message 😀

Orangecake123 · 31/07/2019 17:02

Just say No OP. They sound like CFs. I wouldn't put up with it.

Orangecake123 · 31/07/2019 17:03

Woooop well done OP for standing up for yourself!

NoFucksImAQueen · 31/07/2019 17:03

what did your message say?

holly30 · 31/07/2019 17:08

I would say no. You could say this is fine as long as you can do something to help me etc something that you need from them and then see how helpful they are..... Then see if they let you down and then you can say that it shouldn't be a one way thing....

LazyLizzy · 31/07/2019 17:09

Glad you said no.

I wouldn't dream of asking anybody to commit to doing this.

It's hard faced.

Original poster
WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead · 31/07/2019 17:11

It said "Hi CF, sorry I can't help out with this. Our mornings are hectic at the moment. I'm sometimes first thing (this is hypothetically true, although I have no plans for the foreseeable future), and I'm also hoping DC will be going to the bus stop alone soon. Timing wouldn't work out for older DC either as she leaves for school at 8. Sorry again, WBdelaS"

I've just had a friendly reply, saying not to worry.

OP posts: