Doormat or Bastard

[WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]

I can't decide whether agreeing to this favour would make me a doormat (or if saying no would be bastard-ish). In essence, my 8 yr old DC has a "friend" who lives very nearby. The parents have asked if I can look after their DC for a short while (up to half an hour) and then walk them to school (same school as my DC) a couple of days a week.

The background to this is that our DCs used to be very good friends at school, and for a year or two I would regularly have their kid round to play after school. This was almost never reciprocated, which eventually started to feel really awkward for me (as my DC kept asking, and kept being turned down. I started to suspect that they just didn't like my DC). Circumstances changed last year, and our paths rarely crossed. Our DCs friendship faded significantly.

I chatted with DH about it when the parent messaged me asking for this favour, and he (ruthless bastard that he is) feels that we should just say no on the basis that they've pretty much avoided contact/friendship until they need me.

For one day of the week it's not a problem to me to take their kids round to school, but on the other day we'd have them hanging around for half an hour at an already busy time (I have four DC - mornings can be hectic!).

It feels like saying no would be petty, and if they'd been even slightly reciprocal a few years ago I'd be much more open to the idea. On the other hand, this feels like a fairly major commitment/favour, and I just feel a bit...used?

AIBU in saying "no". What's the Mumsnet judgement on this situation?

Okay, the verdict is (almost) unanimous. I will be saying no. Where's the Mumsnet when you need it?

'Unfortunately I won't be able to,'.

If pressed for a reason:

'It just won't work for us. Oh someone's at the door! Must dash!'

Okay, so here's another thing - there are basically no other school friends in this area. I guess there's a bit of me that thinks it would be nice for DC to have a buddy nearby.

But they have shown they don't want your children to be buddies, there is no friendship and hasn't been for a long time.

Just say no to them, your husband is right they are only contacting you now because they want something from you, they will never reciprocate or even offer to reciprocate. Friendship is give and take they only want to take not give.

Nope.

Some favours are too much imo.

It doesn't seem that much to have an extra kid if you're going that way, but every week for how long?

Emergency yes, but not otherwise.

The kids aren't even friends-nightmare for both of them!

what are you going to do if your DC is sick one day? still head off and leave them to take this DC to school. You will be treated like an employee not a DP doing a favour and have no doubt if you did agree they would starts asking you to do more.

that should be dear parent , not dear partner!

The "change in circs" last year was to do with one of their jobs, which meant their DC was going to childcare before and after school, so we just didn't see them at school run time any more.

And I'm guessing they need someone to help out now because of their work schedules (rather then watching Jeremy Kyle in bed).

No not in an 'emergency'! They'll suddenly have 3 emergencies a wk!

You could always say that you'll be happy to do the two mornings provided they will pick up your DS and have him for an hour after school...

Another significant factor is that my DC is almost old enough to walk to school alone, and their youngest is a long way off that.

OMG I've just remembered how grim it is walking to school with three kids (and one of them being very young).

There was no mention of any reciprocal deal, but the parent did follow up with a suggestion that my older DC could do it as a babysitting job (this wouldn't work out as she needs to leave earlier)

They are using you for childcare! =
Pure and simple.

Once you start, you will be committed and it will be painful to extract yourself from it. They will also hate you for ‘letting them down’.

Say no, don’t feel bad about saying no and the come and tell us what they say!

Surely the boys would be friends at school already if they genuinely got on without their parents' circumstances throwing them together?

If you're that bothered, invite the boy round to play at yours at a time that suits you. But NO school runs!

Another significant factor is that my DC is almost old enough to walk to school alone, and their youngest is a long way off that

How many children do they want to drop at yours??

Sounds like they just don’t want to pay for childcare!! If you agree todo it 2 mornings a week, they’ll want 5 and before too long, you’ll be having them on snow days, Inset days and having to worry about telling them when your own kids are off sick. Best to just not even go there.

Just say no, mornings are too busy.

I think you need to be a bastard on this one - not just because of the past, but because of the commitment.

If you're doubting your bastardness, see if you can find one of the many, many threads about lifts/holiday childcare etc/being taken advantage of etc. One of those should harden you up!

Oh, god, you again! Did you namechange? Sounds familiar, 4 kids, history of being a mug. Just grow a fucking backbone. These people are using you. They aren't giving you a second thought beyond what they can use you for and you're over here wringing your hands over them. Tell them NO and be done with it.

And btw, not allowing yourself to be used by CFers is not being a bastard. They don't want to pay for childcare. Well, too fucking bad. Don't have kids then.

followed this up with my older child could do this as a babysitting job

Wow they really have thought about this haven’t they?

God no,they are just using you.I wouldnt even help them in an emergency

I wouldn't even bother replying to the msg.

Bastard definitely, but you’re not actually being one.

Had your dc been friends, then maybe, but that isn’t the case now, and it doesn’t look like friend’s mum isn’tt Making effort to foster a friendship over the summer holidays. Eg. Invited dc on a play date.

As a pip poster said, they still mix at school, so no friendship has developed there either.

what does your dc think? Walking friend to school may not result in a friendship.

Also, what about after school. Will friend suddenly need picking up, due to working late, stuck in traffic etc.

Getting friend to school is not your responsibility.

If you are leaning towards doing this, maybe agree to it for a short time to see how it goes. Be clear with them that they will need to make other arrangements if your dc are not going to school for any reason. I would also be looking for it to be reciprocal in some way. Is there anyway they could perhaps take your dc in one day a week or pick him up for you on one day so that they are sharing the load?

I'd say no, purely because it sounds like the DC don't really get on and it would impose on them. Also, four children are enough to manage in the morning. What if one of them was sick? Or you were sick?

No - you’re being asked have said kid for 1/2 hr and then walk to school 2 days a week . I’d anticipate the time and days increasing . Just say no . They need to sort out their own child / childcare .

Nope.
Endless hassle, especially on the days your kid/their kid/you are ill.

They have been there all this time yet showed no interest.
The simple MN "That doesn't work for us" is all that's needed here.

And NO 'emergencies', either. Just a straight NO. 'We can't take your children to school or look after them, it's not possible. You'll need to make other arrangements for them. All the best, x'. NO suggestions to them or I'll provide emergency coverage or shit. They bat back and you just repeat, 'Just so there is no misunderstanding: you need to make arrangements for your children to be transported to school and childcare. We are NOT available for either one. We have other commitments and plans. x'

You have to be very clear with CFers. There's nothing rude or 'bastard' about it. They're the bastards for trying to rip the piss out of you.