Doormat or Bastard

[WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]

I can't decide whether agreeing to this favour would make me a doormat (or if saying no would be bastard-ish). In essence, my 8 yr old DC has a "friend" who lives very nearby. The parents have asked if I can look after their DC for a short while (up to half an hour) and then walk them to school (same school as my DC) a couple of days a week.

The background to this is that our DCs used to be very good friends at school, and for a year or two I would regularly have their kid round to play after school. This was almost never reciprocated, which eventually started to feel really awkward for me (as my DC kept asking, and kept being turned down. I started to suspect that they just didn't like my DC). Circumstances changed last year, and our paths rarely crossed. Our DCs friendship faded significantly.

I chatted with DH about it when the parent messaged me asking for this favour, and he (ruthless bastard that he is) feels that we should just say no on the basis that they've pretty much avoided contact/friendship until they need me.

For one day of the week it's not a problem to me to take their kids round to school, but on the other day we'd have them hanging around for half an hour at an already busy time (I have four DC - mornings can be hectic!).

It feels like saying no would be petty, and if they'd been even slightly reciprocal a few years ago I'd be much more open to the idea. On the other hand, this feels like a fairly major commitment/favour, and I just feel a bit...used?

AIBU in saying "no". What's the Mumsnet judgement on this situation?

But why can't he be your son's friend anyway? Do you think they won't let him, otherwise?

Were they offering to take your son (and babysit for half an hour) for two other days?

Absolutely no way would I commit to something like that, I assume they weren't offering to pay you either? And I definitely wouldn't be doing them any favours when they wouldn't even return the favour towards your child when your kids were friends.

Hollowtalk - not that the kid will only play with my kid if I capitulate, more that it would give them more opportunities to hang out.

However it's pretty damn clear I should say no! I'm very curious about how I thought this would be unfair/mean/petty.

There was no mention of any reciprocal deal, but the parent did follow up with a suggestion that my older DC could do it as a babysitting job (this wouldn't work out as she needs to leave earlier).

100% No. They are users. Before you know it you'll be picking this child up too. They see you as convenient staff, not worthy of real friendship and are taking advantage of your kindness. I wouldn't even send a reply.

I'd go with 'no, sorry mornings are already really hectic here'

• even if they're not!

Do they have a child with extra needs or an elderly parent living with them, hence no invites to their house? Do they own a small holding or have lots of machinery at their house?

There has to be a reasonable explanation I reckon.

You're all ruthless bastards by the way

And DON'T say "If it's an emergency, of course I'll help." They are users and will take advantage of that.

You are not morally responsible for their childcare arrangements, they're the parents that's their job. They can pay for a nanny to walk their children to school or PAY YOU to do the same.

Any chance that there's a reason you haven't thought of (doesn't help I can't think of anything especially) that your DC couldn't go to theirs, but they never wanted to admit? Not quite the same thing, but I never agree to DS asking me at the school gates "can Fred come for tea tonight?"...as I think, no, the house isn't as tidy as I'd like and I don't want the kid reporting back (to anyone) that my house wasn't clean. Fred can come tomorrow, when I've had a bit of notice

Nothing like that is there? Ongoing building work at their house? Maybe there's someone in the home with an illness that they don't particularly make common knowledge and they don't have children round to play because of it?

Have they given a reason as to why they need you to do this twice a week now? If it's for a valid reason makes a difference too. I wouldn't be doing the school run on someone's behalf just so they could chill in bed, for example.

Gosh no...they are not your friends, they haven't even tried to be your friends, but now you are useful. Your DH is right and not in the least ruthless.

Say no

Just say no.

It won't make a bit of difference to you DC and CFs child being friends either. From experience I have seen children play together when they are sharing childcare but go their separate ways as soon as they go to school.

I've read too many of these threads where people have started doing this and its just so awkward they want to stop and find it very hard and becoming increasingly more resentful.

If you say yes you are committing yourself to this for probably the next 3 years and if you wanted to do that you would have already said yes.

Your response is as a pp suggested:
'No, our mornings are just way too hectic.'

They're users. You don't owe them anything! They're the type to pick up and drop you when they feel like it.

They have had plenty of opportunity to encourage a natural friendship between your dc and theirs. Had the dc already been friends it might be a different story.
They haven’t done that though have they?
They are huge CFs.
Say no and mean it.

Do your respective DC play together NOW. No!

Why not? You say you live close by. What is stopping this 'play opportunity' NOW. I'm guessing that they don't particularly like each other/get on/have things in common? Any or all of these things...doesn't particularly matter tbh, they just don't gel for whatever reason.

What will change, other than 'forced proximity' if you take on this commitment?

Precisely nothing...they still won't play together...they will tolerate each other. Probably...at best...if you're lucky 🤷‍♀️

You know the answer!

You know they are just using you right?

Be nice about it and say you'd love to help but mornings are a nightmare, and you've stuff going on, and it wouldn't be right if you committed to something because you'd then have to pull out. Finish it off with good luck I hope you get it sorted, don't leave them a way to badger you.

I'd say no.

Your DS deserves to find friends based on his own criteria - not because they're geographically convenient!

In terms of "extenuating circumstances", their youngest kid was a baby/toddler at the time, and needed to be collected from childcare, which meant that a "play date" at their house would have only been half an hour / 45 mins or so (before they left to get the baby). As far as I'm concerned that would have been fine, just to have a short play. We both have shared gardens, but ours is more child-friendly than theirs. I think the other parent sometimes worked from home (but not always).

Definitely say no. They've ignored you and they're only in touch now because they want something.

Just being nosey, but why do you think they dropped you? You seem to be suggesting that a change in your circumstances lead to them dropping you - if that's the case ,then it's a double no from me.
Unless you could do with the money, in which case, set a fairly high rate, payable in advance.

No. They are using you. They have no interest in your DC being friends, you are a convenience to them.
And you wouldn't be the bigger person - they won't even notice.
There are so many threads on here from posters who have been taken advantage of, when they started as a kindness.