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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf slapped mentee’s bum

129 replies

Copperbeech44 · 31/07/2019 08:51

I’ve seen pictures of my bf’s end of term work do on face book. He is a deputy head. In one picture he seems to have one hand on the bum of a younger female NQT he is responsible for. He says he slapped her bum while dancing. The picture is on the dance floor. How would you react?

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 31/07/2019 10:07

Put yourself in the position of this young woman. How she will constantly be on alert for this man, in a position of power, to again take advantage the power imbalance.

Op, did the MeToo movement completely pass you by?

Original poster
Copperbeech44 · 31/07/2019 10:08

There was a photograph last year if him looking like he was holding someone’s hand but he explained that away too, now that’s come back to haunt me. I didn’t think it was anything much at the time because it was a much older woman

OP posts:
BlackSwan · 31/07/2019 10:09

Dreadful. Imagine what you're not seeing. LTB.

NoLeopard · 31/07/2019 10:11

How dare he put her in that position. What a quandary for her, probably accepted the apology for her career's sake when she wanted to say don't ever do that again you creepy bastard.

Original poster
Copperbeech44 · 31/07/2019 10:11

I don’t know what to do now. Ending it means a lot of upheaval I don’t want. I don’t know if I can get passed this or not

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 31/07/2019 10:12

I just don’t understand it. I don’t know why he would do something like that. It’s like he is trying to sabotage himself.

Err, isn’t it obvious why a sleaze in a position of power would do this? The difficulty you’re having, is matching the man you thought he was and desperately still want him to be, with his sleazy arse behaviour.

Butters83 · 31/07/2019 10:12

CanoeDoYouThinkYouAre HAHAHA me too

Missingstreetlife · 31/07/2019 10:13

He's v stupid and unsavoury. I hope she reports him, if it wasn't consensual. How does she feel about it being so public.
Book into a travel lodge or visit a friend. He needs a good long think.

IvanaPee · 31/07/2019 10:13

@Copperbeech44 if she (quite rightly) reports him, or someone sees that photo he could lose his job.

Then there’s the small matter of him disrespecting you that much...

Is upheaval not better than staying with a total creep and constantly feeling less than? Constantly worrying every time he goes out with colleagues?

thethoughtfox · 31/07/2019 10:13

The power dynamic here puts this in the abuse territory. He has ultimate power over her reference and final reports and can affect if she gets a job in the future.

AgentJohnson · 31/07/2019 10:13

You know what to do, you don’t want to do it but you do know what to do

Original poster
Copperbeech44 · 31/07/2019 10:14

Thanks for all your replies. It helpful to see what other people think

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 31/07/2019 10:17

It would be an impressively well timed photograph if it was a slap.

If he think it's ok to do that to a colleague, imagine what he's like on a night out with strangers if someone shows him a bit of attention?

OP you need to sit him down and insist he tells you the truth - because this isn't it.

Mumofone1860 · 31/07/2019 10:18

2 seperate photos of him being handsy with other women, one of which didn't encourage it and he apologised to... I would leave. If that photo is the one on Facebook what else is there not online? He must have accepted the tag too? So he honestly must see no issue with his behaviour.

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 31/07/2019 10:24

Wrong on every single level.

Even without the mentor/mentor relationship he was clearly abusing his power and trust.

She should report him, but as we all know, that rarely ends well for the person reporting, and it’s her career as well.

It’s a clear red line and it shouldn’t even have been a ‘one-off’.

I’d be concerned that he thought it was acceptable, what else does he think he can get away with.

I’d consider your future with him especially as you don’t have kids.

Goldenbear · 31/07/2019 10:32

I was slapped on the backside with a work file back in 2005. I was working in an office and simply walking up the stairs and suddenly a slap from a senior work colleague, he also said that he had a wonderful view as we walked up the stairs. He later asked me out via work email. He was a complete player and thought he was God's gift. My rejection of the offer to spend time with this idiot, made him worse- he sent flowers/wine to my office. Following this he tried to kiss me at the Christmas party as he thought he was entitled, along with my bottom comments. It is now 2019, I thought men were hyper aware of not behaving like this, especially in a school.

BlueJava · 31/07/2019 10:33

As he's been caught on camera twice (bum slap/grope and the holding hands incident) he's pretty blatent. If he doesthat when there are cameras around it would a pretty safe bet to say he does more than that when they aren't. I appreciate you say this would give you a lot of upheaval, but better to have the upheaval now than when you have kids. He'll try and explain it away of course (like he already has) but ultimately I wouldn't trust him.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/07/2019 10:33

Ending it means a lot of upheaval I don’t want

That's not a good reason to stay. I've been there, honestly; and it's bloody hard when you feel that you've got nowhere else to go and you're dependent on someone. But this is probably the second time he's been caught on camera doing something inappropriate; so god knows what he's doing when there are no cameras! And your housing situation isn't likely to change unless you change it.

Do you work? Is there anyone you could stay with for a bit? Parents/friends? For a start it'll make it easier to think, but also, if he feels you won't leave because it'll make life too uncomfortable, he's got a green light to do whatever he likes. He already seems to be.

BlackSwan · 31/07/2019 10:39

You realise of course OP that this just goes to show that you really don't know him. Not your fault, as he has been hiding himself from you. But when people show you who they are - BELIEVE THEM.

joystir59 · 31/07/2019 10:41

Im surprised you didn't snap and fart

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 31/07/2019 10:42

He seems sorry and worried

He bloody should be worried, if I was that NQT I'd be on my way to her union! What a disgusting thing to do, wonder if it really was a one off, or the other one just didnt get caught.

Beautiful3 · 31/07/2019 10:43

He's a creepy sleaze, who feels entitled to touch women (who work for him) at staff parties...eww. Maybe you should go to the next one, accept it or just leave?

saraclara · 31/07/2019 10:46

I'm astonished that the photo has been put on FB. Who put it up? And what's been the reaction to it online?

HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 10:49

Whoever put it online really doesn't like him and is supporting the younger woman.

Get yourself into a stronger position regarding where you live, OP. If he loses his job he could lose his home anyway.

Nyon · 31/07/2019 10:53

Urgh, he’s one of those SLT - the type who are far too handsy, make disgusting sexual jokes and believe that every woman is available for their sweaty grope. He doesn’t seem to respect woman massively like all of his type and you’ve caught him at it. Get a hotel room for a couple of days if you can afford it and figure out your next steps.