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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go to wedding

105 replies

Wingingthis · 30/07/2019 22:57

DH is currently away for work for three weeks. He called me this evening to say that his friend has said he’s getting married and having the legal ceremony 2 days after DH gets home. This friend lives in America. The actual wedding will be in 2 years. It’s a very close friend of DH’s but quite a strange situation with a very last minute legal ceremony. DH is away again the first two weeks of September for work.
I am currently 10 weeks pregnant and am suffering with bad sickness and all the usual symptoms, we also have a 2 year old DD.
AIBU to say no I need you home to help?? (I have said this and he’s kicked up a fuss)

If he went he’d be home for a grand total of about 4 day’s before he leaves for the next two weeks away for work.

OP posts:
Eustasiavye · 30/07/2019 22:59

Can you go to the wedding ceremony too? Would that help?

TheFlis12345 · 30/07/2019 23:01

Where is the wedding? The OP is unclear if it’s where you live or America.

Original poster
Wingingthis · 30/07/2019 23:02

Sorry - we live in the UK and the wedding is in America. We can’t afford for us both to go (£600 flights at such short notice)

OP posts:
Notajogger · 30/07/2019 23:03

Surely he should just go to the actual wedding which other people are going to in 2 years. Flipping long way to go just for the registry office bit.
YANBU.

Icecreambaby · 30/07/2019 23:03

It depends how bad you feel. If you are bed-ridden and cannot take care of your other daughter, definitely say no to him. Otherwise, seems the problem is more relating to his having to travel too much for work, not really cos of this friend's wedding.

TapasForTwo · 30/07/2019 23:04

A two part wedding that takes place over a two year period?

Sounds a bit odd to me.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2019 23:06

I don't believe him. Makes no sense whatsoever.

Original poster
Wingingthis · 30/07/2019 23:06

I know it’s a very strange situation that I really don’t understand...

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 30/07/2019 23:06

I would suggest to him that he agrees to go to the actual ceremony this year, OR what is presumably the big celebration in two years time.
If he is wanting to go to both celebrations, how is he proposing to finance it?

Cosentyx · 30/07/2019 23:09

WTAF? Just no. That's a ridiculous distance to go when he's been away. He can go when they have their other ceremony. He needs to put his own family first.

Fantababy · 30/07/2019 23:11

I don't think it's that uncommon. When I was getting married I used to see (American) people on wedding forums describe similar scenarios. They wanted to be married ASAP but also wanted a party which they had to save up for or their venue was booked for ages or whatever. It was very frowned upon on these forums though. They called them PPDs (pretty princess days). Grin

Butterymuffin · 30/07/2019 23:11

I don't get this doing the wedding twice simply to have a bigger and better do (as opposed to for religious reasons where you need a separate legal ceremony). Either this bit is the 'real' wedding that you invite people to or that's not for two years.

However, that doesn't help you since your h is kicking off. Is this working away situation likely to go on, including after you have DC2?

Fantababy · 30/07/2019 23:11

Sorry, OP, that was no use to you. YANBU to not want him to go.

overnightangel · 30/07/2019 23:14

Bollocks to that, he can go in 2 years with everyone else

CherrySocks · 30/07/2019 23:14

So his order of priority is 1) work 2) some friend 3) his pregnant wife and young child

LegionOfDoom · 30/07/2019 23:17

Op something is off about this whole thing. I would be very suspicious something else was going on

bridgetreilly · 30/07/2019 23:20

It's not that weird, honestly, because of the visa situation in America. I know plenty of couples who have had to do this kind of thing.

However, your DH definitely does NOT have to be there for this legal ceremony, especially given the short notice and his other travel commitments.

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2019 23:20

Dh, I need you here, parenting the child we have and supporting me growing the one not born. Yes your friend is getting married, but I am your wife. You need to decide to spend at least a week at home with your family.

frami · 30/07/2019 23:21

The strange wedding arrangement could be as suggested to allow the bride and groom to save for a reception (US weddings can be very big and expensive. However it could be that the registry office bit is to secure some sort of legal status/right to remain in the US for one or other of the party. Your DH's friend needs to be careful if it is what he's planning. A cousin of mind tried this trick and had endless problems. That was many years ago before immigation rules were a strict as they are now. Also your DH should be wary of acting as witness or signing any legal documents that could imply he was part of any such scheme.

NC4Now · 30/07/2019 23:24

So this one is the wedding then in two years they will have the wedding party?

Which is the proper wedding? I’d make the effort once but if he goes to this, the two year on thing is just a wedding anniversary isn’t it?

MargotMoon · 30/07/2019 23:25

Presumably he can't help being away for work, so that's kind of irrelevant, and if there is a legit reason why his friend needs to do the legal part soon and your DH is a close friend then he needs to go. Bad timing but can't be helped, do you have anyone who can help with your DC?

Original poster
Wingingthis · 30/07/2019 23:25

The one in two years is the “proper wedding”. There’s been no invitations sent out for this one, it’s literally just the legal bit.

OP posts:
PancakeAndKeith · 30/07/2019 23:25

They called them PPDs (pretty princess days)

Oh for the love of God. Someone slap me if I ever do that.

DeRigueurMortis · 30/07/2019 23:26

I'd not be keen under the circumstances you describe.

Given it's a last minute request then I don't think there is any shame in your DH saying he can't make it.

Frankly if it was a week earlier he'd have been away from work and presumably unable to attend. He wouldn't have felt back about doing that presumably, so I don't see why work is a better reason than spending the limited time he has with his family.

I don't think it's in the least bit inappropriate to respond along the lines of apologies but due to the short notice I'm unable to attend but very much look forward to celebrating with you in 2 years time.

Sunshine93 · 30/07/2019 23:26

Yanbu. I cant imagine anyone would exoect an overseas friend to travel for 2 seperate weddih cekebrations. He picks one and ckearly in this example he should pick the one in 2 years. It's all a bit weird though

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