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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH to go to wedding

105 replies

Wingingthis · 30/07/2019 22:57

DH is currently away for work for three weeks. He called me this evening to say that his friend has said he’s getting married and having the legal ceremony 2 days after DH gets home. This friend lives in America. The actual wedding will be in 2 years. It’s a very close friend of DH’s but quite a strange situation with a very last minute legal ceremony. DH is away again the first two weeks of September for work.
I am currently 10 weeks pregnant and am suffering with bad sickness and all the usual symptoms, we also have a 2 year old DD.
AIBU to say no I need you home to help?? (I have said this and he’s kicked up a fuss)

If he went he’d be home for a grand total of about 4 day’s before he leaves for the next two weeks away for work.

OP posts:

Cosentyx · 31/07/2019 00:05

Actually, SGB, the UK media makes out the US political situation is teetering on the brink of civil war, but realistically it's all just ticking along business as usual for the most part here. People in the UK don't realise a lot of day-to-day functions in the US have been devolved to state and even local governments and it's a huge country, both geographically and in terms of the number of people in it. Much more precarious in the UK right now, the pound keeps falling, it's worrying.

I always wonder what all these men who 'work away' do for a living, however. Are they all military?

HerRoyalNotness · 31/07/2019 00:09

@Cosentyx The ones I know are construction or engineering

ReanimatedSGB · 31/07/2019 00:12

@Cosentyx: am going by what US friends and acquaintances tell me. I appreciate that it will vary from state to state, but it's not impossible that this about-to-marry couple are in a potentially difficult situation (if, for instance, one or both of them are not white) and the H feels something of a moral obligation to stand with his friend. Of course, he might just want to go on a jolly rather than look after his wife and DC, but it is a possibility.

Froucornball · 31/07/2019 00:12

The problem is you want him to want to be home with you, if you kick up a fuss and he stays begrudgingly, you got what you wanted but you still won't feel good.

If it were me I'd feel exactly as you do, nevermind being pregnant or having a two year old, it's lonely having a partner leave for six weeks. You're entitled to want him to be with you.

However, I'd tell him to piss off and go, you'll manage just as you usually do and you see where his priorities lie. You'll be thinking about if you want a partner who doesn't want to support you and he can think about how his carelessness about being home affects you

Purpleartichoke · 31/07/2019 00:13

It’s pretty common in America. The legal bit can be because of immigration, housing, or the most common is access to health insurance and thus medical care.

Purpleartichoke · 31/07/2019 00:14

Oh and I would expect him to skip it. I had hyperemesis. One of the reasons we don’t have a second child is because I knew there was no chance I could care for a toddler while spending all day every day puking.

He needs to be home every minute possible.

ChicCroissant · 31/07/2019 00:19

It doesn't sound sensible for your DH to go at such short notice, even if the legal bit is the actual wedding (not sure why the party for it is in 2 years time). YANBU, OP.

My DH is an engineer Cosentyx and was away from Sunday night the other week, currently on holiday but is then away again when he returns to work. His amount of travel varies but there's been a lot this year.

Cosentyx · 31/07/2019 00:20

but it's not impossible that this about-to-marry couple are in a potentially difficult situation

Oh, yes, the visa laws! The UK has pretty strict ones, too, even stricter in some ways because they don't allow non-EU nationals to even marry a UK national in the UK without first a fiance visa unless the non-EU national is already in the UK on some other suitable visa. I do know couples from both countries who need to marry far more quickly than they would have otherwise. That said, if he's going for a K-1 visa, it takes way longer to get whilst there than if you get married and then apply from the UK.

My h qualified for a more permanent 'green card' based on the length of our marriage but we got some advice and it was much shorter for him to apply for it from the UK (and it would have meant far longer with him being in the US unable to work, v. once he got the visa in the UK after the London visits, he was able to look for work when he landed in the US (he did wait till he got a state driving license, though, as it was hard to work without a car in our state).

Bignicetree · 31/07/2019 00:38

It’s pretty rotten of him to want to go when you could really use the support.
But I don’t think I’d actually STOP him going if I were you .

sleepylittlebunnies · 31/07/2019 00:38

Tbh I’d be quite disappointed if my DH even considered this. Maybe his excitement has got ahead of him and this pregnancy and sickness hasn’t sunk in fully as he hasn’t been with you. You’d think he would especially want to spend some time with his 2 year old DC in the short spell between working away.

My DDad worked away in construction for much of my childhood but when he was home we were his priority. Our weekends centred around family time. In fact he was less than impressed when DH went on his mates stag do for a weekend when I had a toddler and newborn. DH rarely works away but it was the putting mates before marriage and DC that my dad struggled with, back in his day once you were married you had responsibilities to your partner.

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/07/2019 00:42

Not just visa laws. Health insurance is another reason for getting legally married PDQ and then taking the normal amount of time to do the public ceremony.

OP I really think this depends on how much you can really manage. I do think a very good friend getting married is something you should support your partner in attending, but that doesn’t mean putting yourself at risk. And, of course, it’s easier to provide that support if you get plenty of support in return with the normal every-day difficulties you’re coping with and when you have something urgent and special that requires him stepping up.

It does sound, though, like the job itself is perhaps a bit much for him if it involves so much travelling that a quick trip in between times makes it difficult for his family to cope - it seems like there’s no slack.

GoBrookeYourself · 31/07/2019 00:43

OP yabu of course DH should go to America! He should also take DD and give you some much needed resting time

cstaff · 31/07/2019 00:43

It sounds a bit shit tbh and quite selfish in the circumstances.

GoBrookeYourself · 31/07/2019 00:46

(I was kidding about saying YABU but in all seriousness if it’s so important to him, why doesn’t he take DD? They can have some bonding time as I’m sure he misses her and doesn’t want to be away from her as much as he is and you can get some rest. And you won’t need to pay too much more for tickets.)

gamerchick · 31/07/2019 00:50

OP yabu of course DH should go to America! He should also take DD and give you some much needed resting time

This ^ welcome to go but he takes the bairn. If he can't afford it then he needs to find a way.

Unfortunately if he stays begrudged then he's going to resent you and if he goes then you'll resent him. He works away so doesnt see the daily grind, in his head it's just an extra few days on top. No big deal.

Id be telling him he's to take the toddler.

Cosentyx · 31/07/2019 00:50

That's true, Boom, hadn't considered that as we were already married when DH applied for a visa and I had a job so just put him on my insurance.

EnoughLifeLessons · 31/07/2019 00:52

I agree with a previous poster who said something sounds off. Why is he so keen to go to a last minute legal ceremony half way across the world? And if £600 is such a stretch, you (objectively) are not exactly rich so why would anyone in that position spend it like that?

He's obviously an arse. I just don't see the endgame here, there must be more to it???

latexsalesman · 31/07/2019 01:03

Well, it can be helped. It’s called choices. The op isn’t miserably ill because she chose to have a baby on her own. Nor is she exhausted because she chose to have a first baby on her own. This is a period of life where the other partner needs to be there or what is the fucking point of him?

I will never understand how these selfish men ever find anyone to marry them.

latexsalesman · 31/07/2019 01:05

I have terrible morning sickness op, all day, can barely get out of bed some days. I'm 17 weeks and still have it. I definitely need my dh around to help.

Aridane · 31/07/2019 01:11

This is a period of life where the other partner needs to be there or what is the fucking point of him?

It's 4 days, calm down. Presumably in 2 years when the friend gets married there will be a big drama about the DC being aged 2 and 4 so he can't possibly go to the wedding then either...

Sorry- but that made me smile...

1forAll74 · 31/07/2019 01:27

I used to have a husband who worked away abroad a lot, for weeks at a time, even when I was pregnant, and with a toddler as well, and one year he was away for three weeks when I had a miscarriage at home at 16 weeks. I had no family living near to me,so just had to get on with things.
I wouldn't stop a husband doing something that he says he want's to do,as in your case.

timeisnotaline · 31/07/2019 01:36

The problem is you want him to want to be home with you, if you kick up a fuss and he stays begrudgingly, you got what you wanted but you still won't feel good.

Actually at that stage of pregnancy, I wouldn’t care if he resented me as long as I could rest, which would help me be sick less and eat more, which would help me stop losing weight. I need my husband then. Obviously I would care and I would remember this and it would shift the balance of caring in our relationship, but I would take the support. Support being parenting his own child.

SnowsInWater · 31/07/2019 01:41

Tell him you are happy for him to go as long as he takes the 2yo with him so he can do some actual parenting and spend time with his child (and let you have a rest). DH also travelled a lot when our kids were young, he really had to work on his relationships with them as he was absent so often. That way HE makes the decision whether to go or not so you can avoid accusations of being controlling or unsupportive 😊

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/07/2019 04:48

Tell him you are happy for him to go as long as he takes the 2yo with him so he can do some actual parenting and spend time with his child (and let you have a rest).

This is a good idea, if the two year old has a passport.

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2019 05:51

He might not be able to take the 2yr old to the wedding though. If he can then it's an option.

I don't think he sounds like he really wants to have a family. Is he usually more involved?

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