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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go to wedding

105 replies

Wingingthis · 30/07/2019 22:57

DH is currently away for work for three weeks. He called me this evening to say that his friend has said he’s getting married and having the legal ceremony 2 days after DH gets home. This friend lives in America. The actual wedding will be in 2 years. It’s a very close friend of DH’s but quite a strange situation with a very last minute legal ceremony. DH is away again the first two weeks of September for work.
I am currently 10 weeks pregnant and am suffering with bad sickness and all the usual symptoms, we also have a 2 year old DD.
AIBU to say no I need you home to help?? (I have said this and he’s kicked up a fuss)

If he went he’d be home for a grand total of about 4 day’s before he leaves for the next two weeks away for work.

OP posts:
Hammondisback · 31/07/2019 06:22

I would be completely honest. Tell him you feel ill and need rest, that you’ve been struggling to cope and could do with support. Explain that you find it hard when he’s away and look forward to having him around to support you. If he’s a decent person, he should make the right decision.

PooWillyBumBum · 31/07/2019 06:28

YANBU.

I’m currently 11 weeks and just coming out of awful sickness where I could barely function/cook for myself/get out of bed.

If it’s a tiny legal ceremony I don’t think it’s appropriate of his friend to expect him to fly out at such great cost last minute.

Chamomileteaplease · 31/07/2019 06:31

Surely if he has chosen a job which takes him away a lot then this one of the sacrifices he has to make - ie when he is not working to spend it at home with his family. Who he seems to have forgotten in all this.

Whatisinaname1 · 31/07/2019 06:58

Yanbu. I've had the same (coming out now) and dh had to go away for a week. That was hard enough. You feel awful yourself and terribly guilty on your toddler for being poorly and not being able to do much.

Your dh is really unreasonable. He should take the toddler or not go. I bet if situations were reversed in terms of sickness, with him poorly and you leaving him with a toddler to take care of, he would kick off. I know my dh would and rightly so.

CrumpetyTea · 31/07/2019 07:28

I think it depends on how good a friend it is- if it is his best friend and DH is the only one he has asked I would have some sympathy - if its just a friend who has just made asked a lot of people if they can come on the off chance then no.
Can he move his other trips/curtail this one at all?
I do think the other trips are irrelevant in a way though- they are work not optional jollys.

mumtobe1984 · 31/07/2019 07:34

YANBU... if it was my husband, I'd scoff and say 'yeh right' and then he knows he's not going. You need to wear the trousers, you're taking care of his children, running the house and looking after him, if both of you can't afford to go then it's out of the question, end of.

Crispmonster123 · 31/07/2019 07:37

He should go. Especially if it’s his best friend. He can’t help the timings

MoseShrute · 31/07/2019 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mindutopia · 31/07/2019 07:48

This is not unusual in America (I’m American by birth). People do it for health insurance or housing reasons (military) or another friend of mine did it as her dh was taking a US government job abroad. She couldn’t go with him (in terms of visa and housing) unless they were legally married.

But no it’s a stupid idea to travel that far for what will be a 10 minute ceremony. I couldn’t even justify flying to America for my friends actual big wedding!

RedSheep73 · 31/07/2019 07:50

People don't go all the way to America for a wedding which is being treated as 'just the legal ceremony' (? That is the wedding? The other bit is just a party?). That isn't normal. Yanbu

gingersausage · 31/07/2019 07:56

Did he actually want children? I think some men who work away a lot see babies as the consolation prize that they give to their partners to keep them busy and fill up their little lives so they don’t get bored. The blokes don’t see any reason their lives should change at all.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/07/2019 08:01

If he really wants to go, book childcare for the few days. I’d not resent him a few days away given he works to support the family.

I’d not be travelling back in two years though for a party and fake wedding. That’s just madness.

SummerInTheVillage · 31/07/2019 08:05

I can't believe he thinks it's ok. Rethink your future with this selfish prick, OP.

zwellers · 31/07/2019 08:09

Love all these posters piling on to say the dh is a selfish prick and needs to support his family. Isn't that what he is doing by working. There would be enough people complaining if he was sitting at home with no job.

SummerInTheVillage · 31/07/2019 08:10

Going to a wedding in the US isn't working @zwellers. Surprised you don't realise that.

Downwiththatsortofthing252 · 31/07/2019 08:13

If the last minute legal ceremony had happened while he was scheduled to work would be have said yes to going and sacked off work OP?

Ask him.

And I bet that if this was your first pregnancy he would've been all over you, being excited, making sure you're comfortable etc. And would've said no to this trip? But when it's the second and subsequent pregnancies it's 'Ah, OP will be ok, she's done it before'. Even though it's way harder with a little one to think of too Angry. (Sorry, my bitterness is showing!)

gonewiththepotter · 31/07/2019 08:15

Ok OP for what it’s worth I understand this situation as a friend of mine is doing the same.

They want to get married and plan a big event which takes time- but he can’t stay in the country with his fiancé for that long! So they legally get married in a little quickie ceremony and then plan a big event for a year or two later. I kinda get it but at the same time think it’s a bit attention seeky and weird as 100% of the time they seem to make a HUGE fuss of both events 🤔!

What I do find weird is him wanting to go to the (just for legal purposes) non ‘wedding’. It’s not a ‘thing’ and certainly not something to spend loads of money on or leave your struggling pregnant wife for!

Firstly, I would tell your/his family you are pregnant and highlight to them the situation he is putting you in! Nothing like a bit of external shaming to make a man realise he’s being a dick! I’d even message the American friend and say

‘hi, so pleased for you...etc but DH has already been working away for X weeks, I’m currently extremely sick with a pregnancy and can’t cope also with 2 YO and now DH is kicking off and won’t come home to help me as wants to come to your wedding. Obviously we will all come out to your actually wedding event but right now, his coming to your legal marriage may well end ours as I need his help desperately and he’s being a selfish ASS!’

Or...

I’d tell DH he’s welcome to go to the ceremony but you’re too unwell to provide childcare for DD so he (as the healthy and functioning parent) will either need to take her with him or make suitable alternative arrangements.

That’s what I would do!

verticality · 31/07/2019 08:21

I think you need to break the not telling anyone rule. People WILL understand if they hear the whole story - "I'm really sorry, we can't make it. To explain why, I'm going to have to tell you something in strict confidence - you're literally the first to know and the only person who knows so please keep this quiet. Wingingthis is pregnant, at a very early stage, and having a lot of sickness and pain, and I have been unable to support her because I've been away for work. I really, really need to get back and make sure she's OK. I'm so sorry, this is the ONLY thing that would keep me away from your ceremony".

Any reasonable person will understand that! YANBU to ask that he comes back to support you - especially as the actual wedding takes place in 2 years!

gonewiththepotter · 31/07/2019 08:29

Ages ago I’d asked my Male best friend MBF to come to a weekend event with our social group. (He had a fiancé and a 5 month old baby but I invited the whole group so ofc included them)

Fiancé said no thanks- but MBF said yes- he had been working 60 hour weeks and it was ‘exactly what he needed’ so I thought ah cool ok. Later that night I got a call from the fiancé upset to say she was struggling HORRIBLY with PND (I had no idea) and couldn’t cope without MBF for the weekend but he was adamant he was coming to the event!

So obviously I spoke to MBF and was very much ‘are you actually shitting me?’ But then he broke down in tears and said he was on anti depressants as he couldn’t cope with how miserable life was. Fiancé was laid in bed all day every day battling PND whilst he worked 60 hour weeks and was handed the baby the moment he walked through the door to a dark shit hold of a house and NOTHING he did was ever good enough or appreciated and no matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t help fiancé who seemed to constantly hate him and their DD!

Obviously this isn’t you OP but I learnt from that situation that a MILLION problems are created and allowed to fester by people ‘keeping things quiet’ and not directly/openly communicating!

If you tell DH friend the situation and tell both families about your pregnancy/illness DH will find it A LOT harder to get away with bad or selfish behaviour!

Aridane · 31/07/2019 08:35

*Fuck that shit. Its not the real wedding.•

It is - it’s the formal marriage ceremony where the vows are take, the celebration x2 years later a party. Like the difference between Church/ Registry Office vows and the (optional) Reception that follows

Impatienceismyvirtue · 31/07/2019 08:35

Is he working offshore? I hated it when my DH had something on that involved travel on his home weeks 😣 You get such little time with them anyway, and it so much worse with a little at home and another on the way. It would have to be something really special to be worth it for me, and a registry office thing doesn’t count.

katewhinesalot · 31/07/2019 08:54

I'd tell him he could go but I'd make it very obvious about what I thought of that decision and its effect on our marriage. The taking dd with him is a good idea too.

SnuggyBuggy · 31/07/2019 09:01

YANBU, surely there is someone else who could be a witness. Also why would you want to travel all the way to the US just for a few days? It makes more sense to wait until the Pretty Princess Day in 2 years and make a proper holiday of it.

PancakeAndKeith · 31/07/2019 09:06

Did he actually want children? I think some men who work away a lot see babies as the consolation prize that they give to their partners to keep them busy and fill up their little lives so they don’t get bored. The blokes don’t see any reason their lives should change at all.

This.

Eustasiavye · 31/07/2019 09:21

It is the real wedding.
This is how it operates.
The 'real wedding' only ever consists of the legal exchange of views as Aridanehas said.
The reception is not a wedding.