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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go to wedding

105 replies

Wingingthis · 30/07/2019 22:57

DH is currently away for work for three weeks. He called me this evening to say that his friend has said he’s getting married and having the legal ceremony 2 days after DH gets home. This friend lives in America. The actual wedding will be in 2 years. It’s a very close friend of DH’s but quite a strange situation with a very last minute legal ceremony. DH is away again the first two weeks of September for work.
I am currently 10 weeks pregnant and am suffering with bad sickness and all the usual symptoms, we also have a 2 year old DD.
AIBU to say no I need you home to help?? (I have said this and he’s kicked up a fuss)

If he went he’d be home for a grand total of about 4 day’s before he leaves for the next two weeks away for work.

OP posts:
Sunshine93 · 30/07/2019 23:27

Sorry about all the spelling errors!Blush

DeRigueurMortis · 30/07/2019 23:28

I was just about to post the same about my typos sunshine Blush

BackforGood · 30/07/2019 23:28

Well, if it is literally just the legal bit, then what is your dh going to see / share in ? Confused

He really needs to say to his friend that sorry, with work and family commitments, he isn't able to attend at such short notice.

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2019 23:29

Bad timing but can't be helped
Well, it can be helped. It’s called choices. The op isn’t miserably ill because she chose to have a baby on her own. Nor is she exhausted because she chose to have a first baby on her own. This is a period of life where the other partner needs to be there or what is the fucking point of him?

TitianaTitsling · 30/07/2019 23:30

Chuffing hell PPDs (pretty princess days)

Clearly thats what l need to be doing rather than hiding my stresses in beajoulais after a crap day on the ward!!!

CalmdownJanet · 30/07/2019 23:31

Not a fucking hope in hell would I be ok with this

cdtaylornats · 30/07/2019 23:31

My goddaughter did that. She went to the USA on a fiance visa and the rules say the wedding happens in 90 days. So it was her, her fiance, her best friend who decided to go and surprise her.

That was the legal one.

As soon as she could come back we all went to her "real" wedding.
She has decided that was the wedding, that's the anniversary that's celebrated.

Cosentyx · 30/07/2019 23:34

Just tell him it's ridiculous. FFS. Is his friend doing it to get a K-1 visa?

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 30/07/2019 23:37

He's away for 3 weeks now.

Then wants to go to America straightaway for a legal ceremony that he doesn't need to be at.

Then he's off again for another 2 weeks.

And you're pregnant and have a toddler?

Sorry for all the spaces. But I'm actually in shock and need it to sink in slowly.

What an absolute selfish prick.

Charley50 · 30/07/2019 23:38

I'm sure they can get a friend closer to home to witness their legal wedding FFS.
Your DH is either lying, or a knob, or both.
Why have kids with you if he can't be arsed to prioritise DC and you?

Original poster
Wingingthis · 30/07/2019 23:40

I’m so so angry & upset. Even worse as I don’t want to tell anyone about the pregnancy until the 12 week scan so have no one to vent to IRL!

OP posts:
Albgo · 30/07/2019 23:42

@Wingingthis - hugs. Do the timings mean he'll miss the nuchal scan? x

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 30/07/2019 23:42

I would suspect this is actually cover for something else.

MargotMoon · 30/07/2019 23:42

This is a period of life where the other partner needs to be there or what is the fucking point of him?

It's 4 days, calm down. Presumably in 2 years when the friend gets married there will be a big drama about the DC being aged 2 and 4 so he can't possibly go to the wedding then either...

Charley50 · 30/07/2019 23:43

I would have laughed and said 'your mate must think you're a right mug, summoning you over there last minute at the click of his fingers as if you've got nothing better to do (like a full-on career, pregnant wife and a small child).

(Tbh my DP can't be arsed to go 15 minutes down the road to meet a friend for a drink, so I don't think I'll ever be in your situation).

Charley50 · 30/07/2019 23:43

Sorry you are upset OP. I would be too.

ButtonMoonLoon · 30/07/2019 23:44

He’s taking the piss, yo7 and your child need him at home.
If this is ‘just the legal bit’ then all they need is a witness. Fair enough for him to go to the actual wedding as best man in a few years time.

The fact it’s all a bit of a rush makes me wonder if it’s an immigration issue in which case I’d be wanting him to steer well clear of it anyway tbh

HerRoyalNotness · 30/07/2019 23:45

They could be going somewhere for work that they need to be married for. That’s happened to a few of my colleagues in the past with last minute registering weddings.

I don’t think YABU. He can just go to the party one in 2 years If they ever get around to it

Original poster
Wingingthis · 30/07/2019 23:46

@margotmoon really? I’d love to know if you’ve ever had bad sickness everyday & had a 2 year old by yourself. I need support from my partner at the moment. A week with a 4 year old & 2 year old isn’t even comparable??

OP posts:
Original poster
Wingingthis · 30/07/2019 23:47

@MargotMoon and he’d be gone for a total of about 6 weeks (adding up all the work trips and wedding trip) with 4 days at home in between.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 30/07/2019 23:49

margo I read it as he’s away now for 3 weeks, will go to wedding for x days, come home for 4 days then pisses off for 2 weeks again for work.

He has to accept if his job takes him away from his family then he’ll miss out on doing other stuff and his time off rotation should be with his family.

gnushoes · 30/07/2019 23:52

If it's so important to him that he's there, can't he change his flight back to delay it by two days, see the "wedding" and then fly home to you? Rather than coming home and then flying back?
Agree this is all a bit weird though.

Joh66 · 30/07/2019 23:53

Sounds as though he should be putting his family first but isn't. Maybe time to set out expectations re childcare and him pulling his weight.

Monty27 · 30/07/2019 23:55

OP he should give his apologies for the civil ceremony and spend time at home imho.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/07/2019 23:59

Given the current horrific state of US politics, I can see that your H may want to support his friend at the legal ceremony as a matter of principal (do you know if the friend or the friend's fiance was born somewhere other than the US?)
However, I think the real problem is that he has a job which involves a lot of working away: what other people do you have who can offer you support when you need it? Your mum, siblings, close friends? (I'm sure there will be plenty of MNers who will encourage you to stamp your feet and insist he gives up that job, as well, but that's not necessarily the most sensible solution - and if you were to come to the decision that your H is too 'selfish' for the relationship to continue, you will still need support from other people.)