not to tell strangers where I'm from?

[FishCanFly]

I speak with a pretty unfortunate accent and this always prompts random people to ask where i'm from. Thing is - I don't want to say. I don't mind a friendly conversation, but i don't like giving out personal info to people i don't know. AIBU?

I didn't take 31Rue's response as directed at you in particular, Coffee. I took it as a general point, so no need to apologize.

On the other end, when I am in either Russia or Ukraine, I get asked where I am from. Most people assume I'm from Poland because of my wooden "l". I don't have the accent of a North American when I speak, partly because Ukrainian is one of my mother tongues so my sounds generally are good, though I am from Canada. I'm not offended by the question.

is their issue to figure out and friendliness and curiosity have been stamped out because people feel so touchy about everything. It is sad.
It's not a sign of friendliness when you refuse to accept people at face value.

@31RueCambon just getting ready to go out too..

Ooohhhh fuck 🙈😬

@FishCanFly Sure it is. It's just a way to connect to people in 99% of cases.

@FishCanFly Sure it is. It's just a way to connect to people in 99% of cases.
Except it's not connecting. It's awkward. Its the same as - "This car you're driving - is it your dad's or your boyfriend's" ( meaning it cannot possibly be yours), or "How old are you exactly? You don't look 30" (now guess if it's a compliment or the opposite). While the information isn't exactly the secret, but you can't demand that a stranger tells you all.

I didn't take 31Rue's response as directed at you in particular, Coffee. I took it as a general point, so no need to apologize

I can see how Coffee took Rue's comment to refer to her, because of the flow of conversation. But Rue DIDN'T directly refer to Coffee at all. She spoke of nationalities in general.

I reread the posts three times to check, and can see both sides, but if someone has made a general point about accents and nationalities, it isn't fair to twist that and attribute words to them that they haven't said, and to refer to you personally. Especially over a serious allegation as racism.

This thread has made me remember when I used to share a house with a friend whose family heritage was Pakistani.

We used to chat a lot about the racism he faced, and it was horrible to hear about and, at times, witness. I ended up telling so many people to fuck off and stop being racist bastards, especially if people found out he was Muslim and gay. It was bloody awful.

What he also learned from a wanker that we both worked with, is how fucking horrible it is to be accused of racism unfairly. I was accused of saying something racist to my housemate by a colleague. Little did the colleague know, but the thing I said to my housemate was a tongue in cheek reiteration of something that had been said to him, which was racist but made us cry laughing with its sheer stupidity. It became a thing we said to each other to make us laugh.

A colleague overheard, thought I was being racist and reported me. My housemate went FUCKING NUTS at my colleague, on my behalf. The colleague's intentions were good but I could have lost my job over something that was an "in joke".

It was awful to be accused of something that. i hadn't done. How serious it could have been (we worked for a public body at the time but away from customers in a closed office that the colleague had come into). I could have lost my job, house, everything. Over a misunderstanding.

My housemate got then how devastating it is to accuse a non-racist person of racism. It goes against the core of who so many of us are.

So if someone explains that they were making a general comment, not aimed at any individual, please remember that as much as racism is horrific, it isn't a walk in the park to be falsely accused of something.

Ironically, my housemate NEVER spoke to that colleague again for what they did to me. He saw it as just as disgusting as the racism he experienced.

Except it's not connecting. It's awkward. Its the same as - "This car you're driving - is it your dad's or your boyfriend's" ( meaning it cannot possibly be yours), or "How old are you exactly? You don't look 30" (now guess if it's a compliment or the opposite). While the information isn't exactly the secret, but you can't demand that a stranger tells you all.

None of that would bother me either.

Personally, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. It doesn't connect because you don't want it to connect. I mean in 99% of cases. You will always find someone who doesn't have a good intention.

As I posted, my Russian husband gets this all the time. It's never bothered him. Sometimes he will tell people he's from Turkey, sometimes, with a strong Russian accent, from Moscow and that he grew up in the Kremlin, sometimes he tells them he's from France, etc.

We've had people ask how we met. He told one woman, who worked in the local grocer, that he was sitting on the street, shivering, and that I came up to him, kicked him, and asked "Hey, do you have a home?" When he answered negatively, I told him "Then come with me, I'll give you a home." She believed him, and always avoided him after that.

I should add, usually, he does tell people where he's from. He just is a bit of a jokester at times.

Wow how many times do things have to explained? People keep on repeating the same arguments, clearly not having read the first page of the thread let alone TFT. Some posters seem to lack empathy or reading skills or understanding. Or maybe they are unable to accept that someone can feel and think differently to them. Now that is sad.

So what, exactly, is problem then? Just tell people "I don't like being asked that question." Or, just ignore it. She is not obligated to answer anyone. But, the reality is, most people don't ask this question out of malice.

I think I would be quite leery of anyone who asked someone they had never met before where they come from, but that might be based on the fact that some businesses round where I live in the North have had arson attacks following someone doing just that.

Telling someone "I don't like being asked that question" when you know your friend's hair salon had petrol poured through the letter box is probably braver than most people would be able to be.

I get bored and annoyed with being asked about my accent. I don't want to explain where Ohio is or why I live here or talk about Donald Trump. I know most people don't mean any harm but sometimes I would just rather talk about the weather.

Unless the questioner is deaf, he/she will know the OP is foreign born.

@JustGettingStarted my best friend is from Ohio. Do you know her?

I've been on holiday to Ohio, underrated region! I might therefore have met your family? Tell me more.

I guess lots of people haven't faced a bigot asking them 'Where did you come from' with no hint of friendliness and the unspoken implication of 'and why are you here?'

Exactly. I knew why OP was concerned as soon as I read her post. Questions from the belligerent racist 'I got on train and nobody was speaking English' type are not friendly curiosity.

No it's bloody annoying. I often get "Ooh you speak good English!" and reply with "Well we tend to, coming from Wigan!" 🤣

I get it a lot, I think most accents are questioned when they are different, some with better intentions than others.
When I lived in the canaries in my youth I always giggled when asked if I know someone's uncle Johnny who is married to kay with the boys, by the time the conversation is over I know all about Johnny kay and the boy's
The funniest is when you do know the person they are talking about, the craic.

Winterlife brilliant one way to stop silly questions.

Just now on the other thread, about a single mother who leaves her 9 year old with learning difficulties home alone.
One of first questions asked: "Is she Eastern European?"

@silvercuckoo

@EmeraldShamrock

I am not making it up, here it is. But I probably will be told that a poster was just curious about the differences in parenting in different cultures.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3654013--to-think-she-shouldnt-be-leaving-her-kids?pg=1&order=

I am from an Eastern European background, and I was left home alone at age 12. In fact, I was a latch key kid from about age 8.

At age 8, my Eastern European husband had a job in a market slaughtering chickens, for 2 rubles.

winterlife silver I'm from Scandinavia and once the kid is 7 and start a school they will walk/take public transportation on their own and come back home and be alone until parents get home. While the poster had probably racist reasons for asking, but it can actually be cultural. Here nobody thinks twice about 7yo+ being home alone and the British rules would be considered over the top. If I have kinds in Britain, I'd probably be contacted by social services for letting my kids do things. Sorry for being off topic.