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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel my wedding 4 days before hand

127 replies

Scarednconfused · 30/07/2019 10:44

I'm meant to be getting married in 4 days, I still want to marry my oh but I do not want a wedding at all, I have a bipolar disorder and the stress has caused a meltdown and yesterday I intended on just giving up on life completely, my family all still want the wedding to go ahead but my depression is so bad I can't leave the house and a wedding with150+ people terrify me and is making it worse. I don't know what to do, they keep asking me what still neads organised and done and my heads so messed up I can't even think to tell them what to do.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/07/2019 10:46

Cancel. Your mental heath is more important.

Does your fiancee understand and support your decision?

KnittingSister · 30/07/2019 10:49

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Cancel. Your mental heath is more important.

That's good advice, wishing you well Flowers

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/07/2019 10:49

Your mental health has to come first and if that means cancelling the wedding and just having a very small ceremony with very close friends/family or even 2 strangers to witness, your wedding should be about you and your OH not your family and friends.

SachaStark · 30/07/2019 10:50

Bless you, if you don’t want it, get it cancelled.

What does soon to be DH say about it?

Get a practically-minded person on side today, and tell them what needs to be cancelled first.

Vivavivienne · 30/07/2019 10:52

Why don’t you see if a compromise can be made?

Do the ceremony part and then go home if you’d rather. J wouldn’t cancel, I’d let all my guests who have booked time
Off work and made plans enjoy the party even if i wasn’t there.

notso · 30/07/2019 10:53

Honestly I don't think this is the place to look for advice.

IHeartKingThistle · 30/07/2019 10:55

How will you feel if you cancel? I'd tell important people how you were feeling, make it very clear you still want to be married and try to find a way to make it work - as a pp said, just do the ceremony and leave them to it to have the party? Take care x

Outnotdown · 30/07/2019 10:57

I wouldn't go ahead in those circumstances.
What do you think of disinviting your guests from the actual wedding ceremony, but telling them to go straight to the party venue, where they can celebrate your marriage in the our absence.

I just suggest that assuming that the party is already paid for, so that you will get some value for money. But honestly, don't go ahead if you don't feel up to it

abitfedup · 30/07/2019 11:02

@Scarednconfused

I am so sorry you are suffering, mental health issues are hard to deal with,, and bi-polar is a mean one!

But surely you must have known about how you are/how you would be, when you booked everything, and invited 150 people.

This is going to cause a lot of inconvenience, and stress, and financial loss for you/your family (your parents if they paid some or all towards it.)

I get a bit stressy and angsty in big crowds/big group situations, and hate being the centre of attention, and so me and DH had a small wedding with only 30 people, and a meal at the pub after. (No big reception or night do.)

Why on earth did you arrange this massive event with 150 people, if you know you struggle?

I think you need to try and push through it. It's only one day, and it really is too late to back out now. You will have a LOT more stress and angst trying to cancel, (and having to deal with the fallout afterwards,) than just putting on a brave face for one day.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. But you did ask, and that is my honest opinion.

NuttyOrNice · 30/07/2019 11:03

Oh dear, you poor thing. You must be feeling awful. 💐💐💐. I’m not sure if anyone on Mumsnet can help. You need to speak with whoever you find the most supportive in real life. You must know that your mental health is far, far more important than a wedding ceremony.

If I had taken time off work, bought a new outfit and booked a hotel for a wedding which got cancelled because the bride had a mental health problem I would not mind in the slightest. I’d just just be worried about the bride.

I really hope you feel better soon.

FakeEmpire · 30/07/2019 11:06

YABU.

EdtheBear · 30/07/2019 11:07

You must have wanted the big do.

Break it down, which bits are stressing you?

If it's walking the asile do it the other way let the groom walk it or walk together.

If it's the top table change it to a round one.

Its an awful lot of money to throw away as your unlikely to get anything back at this stage.
Not just your money but your family and friends will be out of pocket too.

GCAcademic · 30/07/2019 11:08

I agree with abitfedup.

thecatsthecats · 30/07/2019 11:10

If you feel practically up to it, I think that the suggestion of a private ceremony with just the required witnesses, and redirecting others straight to the party is a good one.

You can still do the part that's important to you, and you can still CHOOSE to attend the party if you wish on the day.

Geminijes · 30/07/2019 11:10

I don't think anyone on here can give you advice.

No one here knows how you feel.

Don't make a decision because of advice from here.
Make a decision you feel comfortable with and what YOU think is best for you.

Cockadoodledooo · 30/07/2019 11:11

Does everyone attending know about your illness? And if not, how OK are you with them knowing? Because I think you/your partner/your parents would have to be honest, as that's a lot of people who have planned to celebrate with you. Absolutely I'm not saying that that is a reason to go through with it if you're not well enough.

What does your partner think? You absolutely must be honest with them about how you're feeling.

Don't go through with it if you feel it will make yourself more ill though.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/07/2019 11:12

Only you know whats going on in your head, but my concern is that the stress that cancelling will cause will actually be worse than just turning up, doing the necessary and (if needs be) buggering off again at the earliest opportunity.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 30/07/2019 11:13

I think you need to speak to your fiancé and those closest to you in real life, MN isn't really the place to base this decision on.

I agree with the advice above though, to maybe try and break it down and think of suitable alternatives. Others have suggested ideas above that might be worth thinking and taking through.

Lovemusic33 · 30/07/2019 11:14

What’s stressing you out the most about it? Are there any family members that can help take some of the stress away?

I’m guessing most things are now in place and you have probably already got through the most stressful bits (organising and booking things)?

Take some time to relax and sort things in your head. Don’t plan how the day with turn out, just go with it and do what you need too to get through it. I think it’s too late to cancel as people would have bought outfits, gifts, arranged travel etc...

Beautiful3 · 30/07/2019 11:15

I wouldn't cancel. Why not just get married with only close family and go home afterwards. Let everyone else go straight to the venue for food and drinks. It's already been paid for so just let them enjoy it.

Abhann · 30/07/2019 11:16

Get married by yourselves with a couple of witnesses or with both immediate families as quietly as possible, and let everyone else have the reception without you, if you don't feel up to attending? Or see how you feel and just show up for what you feel you can cope with?

And I agree with others that you should remember this in future and not get railroaded into situations which make many people nervous and anxious, let alone someone with a MH issue which predisposes you to anxiety on big occasions.

BestZebbie · 30/07/2019 11:16

If you got food poisoning and were lying on the bathroom floor for most of your wedding day, or had an accident and had to go to hospital, you wouldn't be able to go (or only do the bare minimum legal part) and everyone would have to deal with it - a mental health crisis isn't any different.

If you had doubts about the marriage as opposed to the wedding, I'd say 100% cancel (far easier four days before than four days after!), if you want to get married but can't attend the full wedding then just doing the ceremony with minimal guests is also an option.

daisyboocantoo · 30/07/2019 11:18

Another one who agrees with @abitfedup

It's one day, and it will cause a lot more anguish to cancel everything and then deal with all the after effects (which will go on for a long time, people have long memories).

Have you got anyone in RL that you can talk to?

Highandlow · 30/07/2019 11:18

I wouldn't cancel you may regret it. Is there any way you could get some family support ?Could you explain how you feel to gp /mental health team? Explain you are not feeling well at the moment.
What makes you feel better / gives you comfort? You clearly do want to get married and that was the plan, I say don't give up just yet.

EdtheBear · 30/07/2019 11:19

If you want to just blend into the guests later have a plain outfit on stand by that you can change into.

I also think cancelling will be really stressful.

While not having MH issues I was really nervous about our wedding.
I had a bit of time to myself and worked out all the things that were bugging me.
Some things ive listed above.

We also avoided hav ing the formal line up introducing everybody to the bridal party.