Aibu to cancel my wedding 4 days before hand

[Scarednconfused]

I'm meant to be getting married in 4 days, I still want to marry my oh but I do not want a wedding at all, I have a bipolar disorder and the stress has caused a meltdown and yesterday I intended on just giving up on life completely, my family all still want the wedding to go ahead but my depression is so bad I can't leave the house and a wedding with150+ people terrify me and is making it worse. I don't know what to do, they keep asking me what still neads organised and done and my heads so messed up I can't even think to tell them what to do.

Let them have the party. You and your dh have the ceremony with witnesses then get in the car and go!

I'd ring round and cancel everyone.

Then you and dp pick a witness each and turn up at the venue and get the service. Then leave. Book a nice room somewhere for you both that evening.

Elope, send a message explaining what you've done and then switch your phone off.

I still want to marry my oh but I do not want a wedding at all, I have a bipolar disorder and the stress has caused a meltdown and yesterday I intended on just giving up on life completely,

Cancel it - please - nothing os worth you reaching these depths of despair.
If you had some other seriosu physical illness that made you too unwell to go ahead with the wedding, no one on here would be questioning that you should cancel.
As usual there are people confusing a serious mental health problem with 'feeling a bit stressy and anxious'. Ignore them.

You and your DH to be tell your Mum that it is too much, and you will be having the small wedding you want at a later date. Your Mother has helped cause the problem by putting too much pressure on you when she knows you are unwell, she needs to step up now and help you sort it out by contacting people and saying it is postponed. If she wants a big party she can arrange one at a later date (and you can go or not as you wish) or she can go ahead with the reception and say you are unable to attend and will be getting married at a later date.

This is not a huge earth shattering thing to do, people will get over any inconvenience, it is just a party at the end of the day and nothing terrible will happen if it is cancelled. It really doesn't matter what others think because you are at crisis point and that is what needs to be attended to now - anything else can wait.

The dress is clearly a big issue.
You do have time to find an off the peg number, even a bridesmaid type dress if that makes you feel better.

Don't discuss scaling it back with your Mum.

Another option is to have the actual wedding in a side room of the church, and walk back out as man and wife.

You can turn this round get your closest friend and DP involved and talk to them.

If it's a church wedding the Vicar should also be able to help. See what suggestions they are able to come up with.

I totally get the pressure into a big do, you can't invite Auntie X without Auntie Y. And the whole thing snowballs.

Don’t cancel. Unless you DONT want to marry your fiancé.I think most people panic, regardless of MH. I’m not disregarding your MH. Can’t you compromise and have a smaller gathering at the ceremony?

Take control. Elope. Before the "do". Marry the way you want and then allow the party to go ahead. With you already married maybe you'll feel less pressured, or less pressured to be the "bride". You don't even need to stay long or present in your dress.

Unfortunately, cancelling the whole thing is likely to be worse for you because your bully of a mother will offer you no sympathy at all and will pile on a guilt trip. The advice to reduce the ceremony as much as possible, wear what you want and let your mum have the big party that you just make a flying visit to is probably the best.

I do feel for you. On a much smaller scale, I got overwhelmed in the lead up to my wedding day, similar issues as you, wanting a smaller affair, being steamrollered by my parents who were paying for it to have a larger do. I had a full on panic attack on the day of the wedding, outside the church, and only got through the ceremony propped up against my husband. The reception was an endurance, neither dh nor I enjoyed being the centre of attention. It is far from the happiest day of our lives, though we are still together decades later.

So I do understand a bit of what you feel. But I do wonder if telling you to cancel or run away is the right advice. I worry about how you would stand up to the shit storm that will follow if you do that. Might it be easier to somehow work out a way of getting through it, rather than creating havoc which cancellation inevitably will at this late stage? I'm sorry, it must be such an awful situation to be in. But don't be swayed by the expectation that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. For a lot of people it is an endurance, and it is the years of marriage to the love of your life that is the aim of the game, not the wedding itself. Does that make facing the day any easier?

I'm not sure how easy it is to actually arrange a registry office in a couple of days.

The easier way is to say issue with the church - having a private cemomony and will see guests at reception.

Avoids disclosing MH issues and avoids guests being disgruntled over stuff.

@ReanimatedSGB very sensible advice.
Your mom does not have your best interests at heart, therefore she is likely to lash out, making you feel even worse.

I still say a professional counseling session - 2 hrs, today/tomorrow will really help you see the wood from the trees, so to speak.

God what a predicament OP

Your mother sounds awful and emotionally abusive. Just because she is paying for half the wedding doesn’t mean she gets overall say, where is your input. I’m getting married next year and both my parents and DPs parents have contributed significantly but it hasn’t came with any emotional blackmail. Regardless of what you do for the wedding I would strongly suggest going low contact / no contact with her after the wedding.

Don’t focus on the wedding for now. Use these next few days to focus on your mental health. Pretend it’s not happening and do what you need to level out. Can your DP / MoH deal with your mum for now? Block her number or tell her unless she doesn’t deal directly with someone else the wedding WILL be cancelled? A few days of self care and avoiding DM might help.

As others have said if you have the budget you could still get an off the peg dress now. Speak to your venue about how they can make this easier for you?

How is DP finding this? If it’s really something you can’t do then just cancel. Other PPs have said don’t but when you’re dealing with MH issues they should be put above all else. Do you don’t marry your DP in 4 days. You can easy go down to the registry office and marry him in a few weeks. And you want the marriage, not the ott wedding.

Open to friends and family for support OP. I’m sure you can get through this but if not that’s ok too!

After reading your update, i echo what ohcanada wrote:

• Dress you don't like - don't wear it. Put on your favourite outfit. Walking up the aisle - don't, walk up with your husband. Big party/speeches - you don't have to be there if you don't want. Decorations and flowers - ask someone else to deal with it.*

Tell people you're switching of off all technology so you are not contactable (and then do it), and then tell people to direct all queries to your dm. If you can record an answer machine message and out of office email to this effect - do that.

Take back what control you can to get through the day.

Cardinal sin of having not read the thread, but obviously your mental health is most important. However, it will be putting a lot of people out. Can you tell your family how bad your mental health is and handover responsibility for the planning party side of things?

one option might be to get married in the next few days, private ceremony at town hall type place. Would a general celebration (ie what was to be the wedding, but now without the ceremony) be less stressful? I found the stress of the wedding PLUS the stress of the party a lot to deal with but each on it's own manageable.

Do what they did in medieval times. Say your vows at home to the priest and then have DH say his vows alone in the church service. Then you just make an appearance at the reception if you are up to it. If not, the reception ends with groomsmen accompany your husband to your front door and dropping him off. It’s a proxy marriage. All the big wedding (not) fun stuff can happen without you.

Cancel your wedding your mental health is more important and I’m sure you think fiancé would understand. Arrange a much smaller wedding maybe in a registry office like me and my fiancé are doing we are only having 20 people at our wedding and a meal afterwards because I hate the idea of a big party or being the centre of attention I just want a small simple wedding that isn’t going to cost the earth.

OP

I'd cancel it

better still - run away! Do it in Gretna Green or Vegas or something.

I have MH issues and you can't waste the good days on dresses or crappy relatives. All good wishes to you

Where’s your partner in all of this? Have you shared with him how low you’re feeling/desire to cancel? Is he supporting you now?

So sorry you are feeling so unwell OP.

Try to remember that MH should have equivalence to physical. If you'd been in a car accident yesterday, would you be contemplating going through with it? Would you feel pressured to carry on even though you were too unwell?

No you wouldn't. People would simply accept that shit happens and you would postpone.

I don't know your illness so I don't know where you would rate the equivalent physical illness - but I have found it helpful to do this in order to treat my own MH problems with the seriousness they deserve.

With all that, I would be inclined to elope! But as reanimated says, the fallout of cancelling will probably make you feel even worse.

Can you speak to your gp about your meds? They might need tweaking, which is why you might be feeling so out of control right now.

The dress - find one YOU love. Monsoon have some gorgeous ones, as do Coast though theirs are bridesmaid and mother of the bride/groom ones, but you might find something you like. Don't wear the dress your mum has bought.

On the day - walk down the aisle with you dp or wait in the waiting room with him.

Reception - do the lineup. Much easier to say hello and thank you to everyone. After the speeches, and the cake cutting, you and dh can just go. The family can enjoy the party.

Have you spoken to your dp about this? What does he say? Can he offer any suggestions? You need to form a united front with him against your overbearing mum. Good luck op!

Where’s your partner in all of this? Have you shared with him how low you’re feeling/desire to cancel?

This, but also, what does he want to do?

The physical health is a good analogy, but I've actually been to a wedding where someone was in a car accident in the week before. She wanted to go ahead so did, but obviously scaled back her involvement in both the days leading up and night of.

Elope!

Dont take advice from the 'experts' on here.....see a doctor, speak to your fiance, your mum....anyone who is supportive of you not random strangers who dont know you (of course you can ignore this too)

I just want to say I was in a state of blind terror just before my wedding but when the day arrived, though I was still very nervous, it was all fine.

All the very best. x

Lemon - Ops mum is the last person she wants advice from.