Aibu to cancel my wedding 4 days before hand

[Scarednconfused]

I'm meant to be getting married in 4 days, I still want to marry my oh but I do not want a wedding at all, I have a bipolar disorder and the stress has caused a meltdown and yesterday I intended on just giving up on life completely, my family all still want the wedding to go ahead but my depression is so bad I can't leave the house and a wedding with150+ people terrify me and is making it worse. I don't know what to do, they keep asking me what still neads organised and done and my heads so messed up I can't even think to tell them what to do.

Another option might be to speak to the priest who is marrying you (assuming a church wedding). He or she has probably come across this before and may be able to discuss ways of reducing your stress at the marriage ceremony.

This is tricky OP - but I do think you should go ahead with the wedding. If you cancel you’ll probably regret and beat yourself up about the whole thing soon after which I think could make you’re MH problems even worse. It doesn’t sound like you’re family really understand how bad you are feeling, have you spoken to them properly about what you’re going through? Constantly asking you about what else needs to be done when you’re already so stressed doesn’t sound very helpful. What does your OH think?

Obviously your mental health is important, however I do wonder if it would be short term gain, but long term loss.

If I got a message at this close time saying that the bride had decided to call it off this close, my suspicions would be that they'd decided they didn't want to get married, and were trying to break it off gently. I'd assume that they wouldn't still be together.

You've also got to consider the amount of phoning around/telling you are going to have to do to tell people. Even if the fiancé does half, there's still: caterers, venue, flowers, cake, church plus a good number of guests.
I'd reckon you'll be looking at around 50 phone calls to tell people, assuming fiancé does half. I don't think you can expect everyone else to do that for you.

Afterwards you're still going to have to settle up bills, probably receive presents/cards. You'll need to arrange for the gifts to be returned.
You'll also have people asking "how was your wedding" or people assuming you had a wonderful time to see face to face.

I would suspect that the aftermath would be much harder to deal with-and that's assuming no fractured relationships from it, simply the practicalities.

Witchend I completely agreed, cancelling this close is not a stress free option.
And it could very well lead to damaged relationships with both families.

If the dress isn't made to measure, can you contact the shop and ask to swap it for something else (go there without your mother!)?

Agree with others that if you want to marry your DP then it makes sense to go ahead with the wedding but make some changes so that you're more comfortable with the day. You could then have a small celebration soon with just the people you wanted to invite. That way there won't be a huge drama with your controlling mother, and you won't have to wait and pay all over again to get married.

Stop doing things for other people - sit down with your DP and work out what would make you both more comfortable, write those down, and let your family know that either those things happen, or you won't be able to go ahead with it at all. I'm assuming your DP is fully supportive, otherwise you wouldn't be marrying him, so lean on him now for support.

What does your soon to be DH day?
Can you get an emergency session with your therapist?

Break it down is a good idea - what is it that is causing you upset?
Could you do a small ceremony with DH and selected people on the day as planned? Let everyone continue with the party and you just join for the bits you want to?

All your friends and family love you and know you and want the best for you. Sowould understand.

FWIW I have attended a wedding where the bride did the ceremony and then disappeared. We all had a lovely time and she enjoyed what she did.

OP I felt VERY similar to you.

I went through with it and actually super glad I did!

But that might not be the same for you so you need to do what’s best for you!

The problem with cancelling this close is that it will probably be more stressful than actually going through with it - contacting all 150 people plus vendors etc and facing endless questions.

The problem is not that you don't want to get married, it's that you don't want a fuss.

So as others have said, if you still want to be married to your fiancé, I would try to rearrange things to suit you better. Preferably using an on-side bm or moh who understands your mental health issues and can act on your behalf.

You can scale it all down even a tgis late stage. Have the marriage ceremony with two witnesses and make it clear to guests that they're only at the reception. Let them enjoy the meal, don't do speeches and go straight in honeymoon after the ceremony and leave your mum to field all the guests that SHE wanted to invite. Your best option here is to get the support of one or two close friends in whom you trust. It can be done so you can marry your love in a way that is a lot closer to the way you wanted. Another important question is what does your fiancé feel about all of this?

There is far more stress and beration and long term resentment coming with cancelling the wedding than with going ahead.

If your mum is so interested in running the circus, let it be but tell her you are so stressed you are thinking of cancelling altogether, that the only way you can manage is if they leave you alone for the three days to de stress.

Every wedding is mega stressful, and in all of them there is an over bearing mum /MIL trying to call the shots. If you are not so worried about how many balloons to put on a table, or whether to sprinkle stars on the table. Just let them deal with it, you just need to bring the bride to the wedding.

I’m sorry you feel like this having been railroaded into something you didn’t want 🌷

I’m in the ‘make adjustments & get through it’ camp because you want to marry him & cancelling will be incredibly stressful too!

Lots of suggestions already so I won’t repeat them but there’s loads you can practically do to reduce the stress & drama of the day. But mentally the best thing to do is ‘go with the flow ’ & completely stop worrying about perfection. Decide what’s important to you and ensure that’s taken care of and don’t give anotherbtbought to the stuff that’s not at all important (table settings/seating plans and all that crap)

Talk to your lovely DH TO BE & your best friend and have an escape plan!

Focus your mind on the ‘being married to your DH2B’ not the wedding fuss 🌷xx

I would not cancel it. Especially if you have guests who have paid a lot of money to fly in and stay at hotels or bought expensive presents, etc. This is why they invented Xanax.

You poor love, what a mess!

Your mother sounds incredibly awful - she must know you have these MH problems but she has pushed you to near-breakdown just to get her own way? Is she somehow "competing" with friends and/or family to have the best daughter's wedding or something?

I think at this stage you should probably find a way to go through with the ceremony at least, make it worth the guests' attendance; if you can get through that, then at least you WILL be married so that will be something good that came out of it.

After that - you do what you need to do. If that involves going home, or hiding out in the hotel room (if you have one), then do that.

If you can manage the wedding meal, great. If not, fuckit, let it go - if your mother has an issue with it then just remind her that this is HER "wedding", not the one you wanted, and she can bloody well play the grande dame if she needs a centrepiece.

You need to keep her away from you entirely before it, as well. Do you have friends/siblings who could do that for you?

I know I'm being pushy but I do agree that it would be a bit harsh on all the invited guests to cancel it at this stage, many of them would lose money on bookings/ travel arrangements. Talk to your fiancé and see what plan you can come up with - and stay away from your mother.

Can you just commit to doing the ceremony bit and nothing else? Walk down the aisle with your fiancé holding your hand, say your vows and then leave? You may find that if you can get through that bit you can manage the rest.

The only people who need to be involved in this situation are you and your fiancé. Make the decision as partners.

If you do decide to proceed, then I would hand off the organization to one of those family members pushing to keep things going. I’m guessing you have notes or something on all the logistics. Hand them over, announce you will be at X place at y time, and then turn off your phone. The details will either get worked out or they won’t. You and your fiancé will still be there to get married. Worst case scenario is a missing officiant. If that happens, tag someone in to do a personal ceremony and then take care of the legal stuff another day.

Personally I wouldn’t cancel. I wouldn’t wear the dress though unless you are an odd shape massive boobs etc that can’t get dresses to fit quickly or you would only be happy in an expensive dress.

I wouldn’t cancel, I think in the long run you might regret it it will also be a huge logistical pain in the bum, not the stress free option you may think it is!

Normally the advice is, if you don't want to get married, you should cancel as divorce is 100 times harder. But this is not the case here, you do want to marry your partner. In this scenario, it will be less stressful to go through with it. Cancelling on 150 people is going to be a massive headache and will cause a lot of hassle and bad feelings in the family. So I think you should rest and go through with it but let someone else deal with the details.

I think you might find the aftermath of cancelling more stressful than going through with the wedding which at least will be over at the end of the day.

I think the simplest option is to go ahead and strip back to the simplest part of getting married that you can deal with. You want the marriage, and if you can reclaim the day of your marriage to exchanging vows, you also have the benefit of regaining some sense of control over the event which may well have been a significant trigger to you.

My concern about cancelling is that it will generate a lot of work and distractions which you aren't in a good place to deal with right now. I doubt that the type of "D"M who overrides her daughter's wishes to arrange a wedding for herself and her own social standing will take kindly and easily to a last minute cancellation, and the fall out from that is not what you need at the moment.

All you have to do to be married is be there long enough to say the vows. Everything else is just fluff. Let everyone else carry on as planned as everything should be in place by now. People that care for you will understand. If they don't, that's their problem not yours. Outfits, photos, food, dancing etc. etc. do not matter.

I wish you well x

Ignore what your mum wants.
Ignore what 150 guests what.
They are irrelevant.
Do you want to get married, yes.
That’s all the matters.
Plan an escape plan with your partner, take the day section by section.
People who don’t have MH issues don’t get it, clearly the mother doesn’t.
Spend the next 4 days changing your mind set, repeating positive affirmations about the wedding, relaxation breathing and CBT.
You can do this.
And if all else fails, you know you cancel, your MH comes BEFORE everything else.
Knowing you can cancel will lift some pressure.
No one would force a cancer patient down the aisle, such double standards.

Op, we went to a wedding where the bride was unwell and it was lovely still. She had some time out after the ceremony whilst we all travelled to the reception. The bride and groom went home at 6pm after the wedding breakfast.
Nobody judged, it was all fine and we had a lovely time. Make the changes you need to make.

The only bit you need to be at is the ceremony. If you can manage that bit do do, then go home whilst everyone does everything else.

I think if you have only a small bit to do, you might find the pressure lifts.can you get your oh to step up and protect you from your mum's demands?

Can you go and rest for three days somewhere quiet?

Go and buy an outfit you feel comfortable in, even if it's jeans and a t-shirt. Walk in with your fiance and say your vows. That's all you need to do.

Let everyone else party afterwards without you. Although you may feel like partying once the ceremony is over. Keep your options open.

Agree with pp

Just do the ceremony in a way you can cope with, then breathe and let everyone else celebrate

Wear whatever you want

Make sure a trusted friend or the vicar tells everyone in no uncertain terms they are not to make any comments about your wedding and to be happy you are doing what you need

What does your DP think?