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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel my wedding 4 days before hand

127 replies

Scarednconfused · 30/07/2019 10:44

I'm meant to be getting married in 4 days, I still want to marry my oh but I do not want a wedding at all, I have a bipolar disorder and the stress has caused a meltdown and yesterday I intended on just giving up on life completely, my family all still want the wedding to go ahead but my depression is so bad I can't leave the house and a wedding with150+ people terrify me and is making it worse. I don't know what to do, they keep asking me what still neads organised and done and my heads so messed up I can't even think to tell them what to do.

OP posts:
Yogurtcoveredricecake · 30/07/2019 11:19

Bipolar or not I think everyone feels stressed a few days before their weddings. I think cancelling it especially as you want to marry DP would be a mistake as you'll have lots of friends and relatives being annoyed, asking questions and tbh you've done all the hard bit getting it sorted.

As PP said, break it down - what's causing these feelings? Can you get some time to do something non wedding for a couple of hours? Before we got married we went to the theatre a couple of nights before the big day just to have a date and take the pressure off.

TheBeesKnee · 30/07/2019 11:20

Are you on medication?

lmusic87 · 30/07/2019 11:20

Oh how awful OP, try to make a list of the pros and cons.

Although everything seems awful now, you can and will get through it. xx

LagunaBubbles · 30/07/2019 11:21

What's stressing you so much at this point?

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 30/07/2019 11:23

I think you need to involve your dh-to-be in this. Could you tell him what you've said in your op and leave the rest of the last minute organisation to him? Then, take a back seat for the next 4 days, and see how you feel on the day.
You may feel calm enough to go through with it, after all, as pp have said, you must have wanted a biggish wedding at some point.
If, on the day, you still can't do the big wedding etc, just do the ceremony (if necessary get dh to ask your guests to go straight to the reception venue so there is no pressure during the ceremony.
Good luck, i hope you find a way through this.

mussolini9 · 30/07/2019 11:24

Why on earth did you arrange this massive event with 150 people, if you know you struggle?

Yeah, really helpful comment to a woman on the verge of emotional collapse, @abitfedup - FFS the OP does NOT require a ticking off from teacher.

@Scarednconfused
Take a long deep breath. I am really sorry events have conspired to tip you out of your comfort zone. Please TALK to your most trusted friend or relative ASAP.

Your main priority now is an emotional risk-assessment.
You & your most trusty person need to sit down & have a calm discussion about what is going to present you with the least stress: either 1) postponing the wedding
2) attending the ceremony, but ducking out early after that
3) soldiering on through

  1. give you some immediate relief, but is also a big job to manage - the postponement will be a lot of work in terms of communicating with guests & suppliers
  2. means all the arrangements can stay in place, but you have a BIG light at the end of the tunnel in that you can escape early
  3. can you see you GP or CPN & run a quick medication-check? Would an increased dose help, like it would for the top or bottom of a bipolar swing? You still have 4 days to settle into a more comfortable holding pattern ...

... but only YOU can decide, with the help of your most trusted loved ones. Ignore anyone on here who decides they need to get their kicks by scolding you - you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

The most important thing is for you to start feeling that there are options, that you can cope, & that you are talking to & supported by your DH & closest family/friends.

Sera22 · 30/07/2019 11:28

If you possibly can, I'd try to go ahead with the wedding. Yes, your mental health should come first, but I can't help but wonder if long-term, cancelling might be worse for your MH than pushing through if you ended up regretting or feeling embarrassed about the decision.

I'm sure your situation is worse and I don't want to trivilaise it, but I think most people feel pretty panicky about their wedding a few days out - that combination of making such a big life decision, dealing with last minute admin, knowing you're doing to be the centre of attention, and, in most cases, dealing with some degree of family and friends drama. My experience is that on the day, all the stuff that seemed like a big deal beforehand just fades away.

i'd have an honest discussion with your fiance and one or two of your most trusted and practical family members or friends. Give them full responsibility for sorting out any remaining preparation - though honestly, things that are left to do at this stage usually aren't that important. And if there's anything that's particularly worrying you - speeches, first dance, making a dramatic entrance etc - get your helper to remove that from the itinerary.

I'd also try to get an emergency appointment with your GP or any MH service you see.

MaxNormal · 30/07/2019 11:30

I really don't think it's helpful heaping pressure on a mentally ill person close to a breakdown from stress, by saying she'd be letting 150 people down.
She may have been pressured into a big wedding, or been feeling really well when she booked it.
OP your mental health is the most important thing. If you don't want to do it you don't have to. No-one can make you do anything.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 30/07/2019 11:32

Agree with PP Cancelling will be stressful.

Much easier to twiddle stuff around. Do the ceremony with close family. You may feel better when the expectations have been released.
Organise it so guests can carry on with the rest.

SoupDragon · 30/07/2019 11:32

I think there are options that don't mean cancelling it. Asking people to go straight to the reception whilst you have a private ceremony is a good one.

Original poster
Scarednconfused · 30/07/2019 11:33

To those replying saying I must have wanted a big do I swear neither my partner or I did, we wanted just out younger siblings as witnesses and our two kids then a bbq at my parents but our parents vitoed that and my mum wouldn't give in until I had a big do to the point that when I set the date my mum immediately called all the family to tell them, she tried getting me to change venues and have an even bigger ceremony. My partner and I barely have any friends coming (mainly me I have about ten) because my family's so big and my mum wanted all of them, I wouldn't have had any friends there at all if I'd caved and invited all the people she wanted there. This isn't our dream, I don't even like my dress that my mum pressured me into. And bought when I wasn't even certain, I'd caame out of the changing room and shed bought it. My mother is very overbearing but I've had to do what she wanted as she's paying for half of it aand I want to marry my oh, just underestimated how shit I'd feel being pressured into a day that I didn't want. It was arguing with her about it that brought on the breakdown tbh.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 30/07/2019 11:34

You absolutely can cancel, your health comes first.

That said, as you want to marry him I would probably try to get through it with mental health and family support.

CatteStreet · 30/07/2019 11:34

I didn't read abitfedup as scolding. I read her question as a genuine one, as in 'planning this big wedding must have had some upsides for you - what were/are they?' so that OP can think of them and perhaps manage to feel better able to face it.

I agree, OP, that cancelling - as it is not the marriage itself you don't want - may bring immediate relief but cause serious long-term repercussions that you won't be able to avoid. For all the understanding I would show, I would, I think, unavoidably feel quite hurt if I were your dh, and that might impact on how I felt about a second try at things going forward. Then there are friends/family to consider and all the practical issues.

Perhaps you have been having an 'up' phase during planning so far and have swung suddenly down into a 'down' phase? This, I think, is a very good reason for an emergency GP appt - as a PP said, some adjustment in your meds may be enough to get you through it.

Write a list of any particular flashpoints that are scaring you more than others and see if they can be amended/dispensed with (e.g. speeches, aisle, first dance, whatever).

TatianaLarina · 30/07/2019 11:35

Xpost with OP - your update is an even stronger argument for cancelling as it’s not really even your wedding, it’s your mum’s.

CatteStreet · 30/07/2019 11:36

Oh, good Lord, x post.

I think this has more to do with your mother's behaviour than with your depression.

I agree with the others saying scale the ceremony right back. Have only the people you want there, and tell your mother (or have your husband-to-be tell her) that if she can't behave herself about it she won't be among them. Then change into a nice but ordinary outfit (iyswim) and see everyone else at the party.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/07/2019 11:36

Can you make any changes which will help. No walking down the aisle or back up again. No first dance or speeches or grand entrance? Limit photography to candid shots so there is no formal and focused time on you. I've no advice on what will be more stressful but your mental health is the only thing that matters.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/07/2019 11:38

I’m not sure the best advice is to cancel and I’m not saying to grin and bear it either. Cancelling will also cause you a lot of pain and anguish and may signal the end of your relationship if your dh2b or his family are not understanding. You may also get a lot of grief from those around you. Your family and friends. I do understand what it is to want to make everything just go away. I like mussolinis concrete advice analysing the situation. Be kind to yourself.

abitfedup · 30/07/2019 11:38

@mussolini9

FFS the OP does NOT require a ticking off from teacher.

And neither do I! Hmm Who do you think you are telling me off for posting my views? Confused

What's more, my post is not a ticking off, it's MY OPINION, and the OP has asked for opinions on a public message forum!!

I also suffer anxiety, and stress over big group situations, and I am entitled to my (very valid) opinions thanks all the same! And I genuinely believe cancelling the wedding at this stage will be WAY worse than going through it.

In addition, many posters agree with me, so you can bore off with your singling me out, and telling me I shouldn't be posting what I did! Hmm

CatteStreet · 30/07/2019 11:39

(As an aside, mussolini, I find your username rather disturbing, tbh)

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/07/2019 11:41

Gosh cross post. Your mother sounds rather controlling. Can you get another dress off the peg for example? Something much simpler.

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 30/07/2019 11:41

Cancel. You are not well. Simple. Guest don’t need to know any more details.
Sorry you are going through this. Hope you get the help you need

abitfedup · 30/07/2019 11:41

So now there is an update

My first post was in response to the OP's first post.

Jocasta2018 · 30/07/2019 11:41

As someone with bipolar who on certain days feels she deserves a medal for leaving the house to walk to the supermarket, I have some idea of what you're going through.

Firstly these are your family & friends so they know what life is like for you. If you honestly can't do the day then cancel it - they will understand.

However if you're the sort of person that sees herself as failing at life and will use the cancellation as a weapon with which you can use to beat yourself up whenever you feel low (like myself) then maybe try taking the day in stages:

Do the marriage ceremony. If the last minute problems that you're currently having are to do with dresses etc, bugger the outfits. Wear what makes you feel comfy - a favourite dress or pair of jeans. If you and the entire bridal party end up in tracksuits - people are there to watch you get married not see 'Brides Monthly'.

Get everyone to film & take photos during the ceremony on their phones so you have some record of it. This means it doesn't matter if you can't deal with photos afterwards.

If you want to try the meal then take it slowly, realise you can leave whenever you want. If you can't cope with the meal then you don't have to do it.

Best of luck - go easy on yourself. It's your day, you can do whatever feels right for you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/07/2019 11:43

Cancel if you need to. Don't spiral, bipolar is a hell of an illness to manage, and you don't want to risk it.

If you are happy to cancel the wedding you didn't want anyway, and your fiancé is happy too, do it. Anyone with any empathy would understand, and I'm presuming you have considered the financial implications.

Do you still want to have the ceremony, but by yourselves?

CatteStreet · 30/07/2019 11:44

re the dress: I was at a wedding the other week where one groom was in a dark T-shirt and jeans and the other in a shirt and long shorts. It didn't take anything from the solemn and moving nature of the occasion. You can get a lovely simple dress off the peg or even wear your favourite existing outfit. Whatever you feel good, happy and 'you' in.