Aibu to cancel my wedding 4 days before hand

[Scarednconfused]

I'm meant to be getting married in 4 days, I still want to marry my oh but I do not want a wedding at all, I have a bipolar disorder and the stress has caused a meltdown and yesterday I intended on just giving up on life completely, my family all still want the wedding to go ahead but my depression is so bad I can't leave the house and a wedding with150+ people terrify me and is making it worse. I don't know what to do, they keep asking me what still neads organised and done and my heads so messed up I can't even think to tell them what to do.

Based on your update, I would go to a registry office and get married with as little fuss as possible, the party can still go ahead. Your mum, who clearly knows about your mental health problems, should have your best interests as her priority.

Can you see your doctor or usual psychiatrist as an emergency appointment? I have a lot of experience of bipolar. Short term diazepam or seroquel could help you calm down and think clearly.
And the make sure your fiance knows how bad you're feeling do you can deal with this together.

@Scarednconfused

I wish you had put all of the info (from your post at 11.33) in the original post (from 10.44!)

Drip feeds do really piss me off.

People answered in good faith to your original post, and the update tells a totally different tale.

Do whatever is best for you. I still feel it's bonkers to cancel it all at this late stage though. If your mum/family is SO overbearing and controlling, imagine the hell to pay for cancelling the wedding now?!

I wish you well with whatever you do.

@abitfedup

"But surely you must have known about how you are/how you would be, when you booked everything, and invited 150 people.

This is going to cause a lot of inconvenience, and stress, and financial loss for you/your family (your parents if they paid some or all towards it.)

I get a bit stressy and angsty in big crowds/big group situations, and hate being the centre of attention, and so me and DH had a small wedding with only 30 people, and a meal at the pub after. (No big reception or night do.)

Why on earth did you arrange this massive event with 150 people, if you know you struggle?

I think you need to try and push through it. It's only one day, and it really is too late to back out now. You will have a LOT more stress and angst trying to cancel, (and having to deal with the fallout afterwards,) than just putting on a brave face for one day.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. But you did ask, and that is my honest opinion."
FFS, why go on about what problems it will cause others or why she decided on this? What does it matter?

The fact is this post was made by someone suffering severe MH issues who said in her post "yesterday I intended on just giving up on life completely."

Wtf do you think she meant by that? Her MH and wellbeing far outweighs any monetary loss to anyone else.

OP, if you need to cancel, then just ask your DP or someone else to deal with it for you. If it would cost too much to lose on the reception them let it go ahead without you - let people celebrate your future marriage.

Then, when you are ready, just go off and get married quietly and let people know afterwards.

Your MH and wellbeing is far more important than absolutely anything.

OP , remember 'If in doubt, do nowt'.

This sounds very much like it’s your mum’s circus. If you cancel now what are the long term ramifications going to be with her? Can you cope with them?

If it were me (with the caveat I don’t have BPD and fully appreciate this might still be beyond you right now), I’d get through the ceremony because, bottom line, I want to be married to my partner, but then I’d disappear with DH ‘ill’ between the ceremony and reception. Your mum can take over hosting, you’re ill and your DH is looking after you. Your friends and family love you, and are fed and watered, and will get over it.

Is that doable at all?

Oooh, tough one.

1. You want to marry your fiancé.

2. You don't want fuss.

3. The fuss is paid for now and is expected by the family at large. Lots of folk will have changed plans/spent money.

4. So marry him. Do what you have to do to get you through the ceremony. Throw tradition up in the air and come in the side door looking him straight in the eye all the time, or walk in together. Don't do the aisle thing if the thought of it is freaking you out.

5. What fuss can you tolerate ? If the final details and fuss are too much then stop. If the flowers aren't exactly centred on the tables on the day it will not matter. If anyone asks you a question direct them to your DM or MOH or your fiancé. These people love you; Let them protect you. Concentrate on looking your man in the eye and saying I Will.

6. So they will come to see you be married (honestly in the heat of the moment you'll hardly notice them) and then be happy for you and have a big party. You will be expected to say hello (do a receiving line so its all out of the way) and then hang with your new DH. If you need to slip away then do so. Remember, it's the ceremony which matters and you really do want that.

Realistically it is too late to cancel but there's no reason why you shouldn't get the marriage you want and avoid most of the fuss you don't want by getting your DF and closest allies on side and changing things a bit. Good luck.

If you want to cancel, cancel.

However, you need to consider the possible impact on your mental health of cancelling. All of the stress, drama, wasted money, guilt over guests who’ll have already taken time off work and made travel arrangements and bought gifts and outfits, your partner’s feelings.

Personally I wouldn’t cancel given the above but it’s your wedding and your choice.

Have you got wedding insurance?
If not then I don’t think financially it makes sense to cancel, depending on how much has been spent and what impact it’s going to have on your/parents finances.
Personally I think having a v small ceremony and then letting everyone party afterwards is the best solution.
Were you railroaded into having a big do? Are parents paying so they had to invite all and sundry?
All this needs to be taken into account.

Good advice from ODFOx

Go through the day step by step and draw a big line through the stuff that's stressing you out.

Dress you don't like - don't wear it. Put on your favourite outfit.
Walking up the aisle - don't, walk up with your husband.
Big party/speeches - you don't have to be there if you don't want.
Decorations and flowers - ask someone else to deal with it.

You need to be really honest with your mother and husband to be, tell them how seriously ill this is making you and tell them that you need to make changes in order to get through the day.

Could you just do the ceremony and then leave, maybe some of your friends come with you and you go home and have a little celebration with them. Leave the family at the reception, tell them you are not feeling well. If your mum kicks off ignore her, she obviously didn’t take your health into account when monopolising the wedding plans.

I haven’t any advice, but funnily arguments with my mum and stress, are two of my triggers with my bipolar. They both tend to send me down, where lack of sleep sends me up. I’m now nc with my mum for this reason.
It’s easy for people to say everyone gets nerves, just go through with it, but when you are trying to run away from your own mind, it’s not that simple. 🤗

I’m not surprised you’ve got MH problems with a mother like that.

Cancel the wedding and do it how you and DP want, when you’re ready to do it.

OP, this sounds very hard, it is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong.

ODFOx's advice sounds very sensible to me.

And right now, right this minute, tell your Mum and ILs that you are at ti[ping point and you are turning off every device and means of communication until you arrive to have the ceremony, with your DP, who you love and trust.

Leave all organising questions to them.

Also: tradition means nothing. If it helps, walk into the marriage ceremony WITH your DP. Walk in together He will support you.

go get married at a registry office tomorrow, just you both and two randoms off the street... then the pressure is off.. you have done it, cancel the church wedding ( or just do it knowing its meaningless and there is no pressure not to fuck it up maybe both of you get the giggles a bit) and just have the party bit, as folks have spent time and money to get there... and instead of just sitting at the top in front of everyone, just walk about, sneak out heaps for "fresh air" and pop in and out, people will just think you are both starting the honeymoon early ;)

Can you try and break the day down in your head so it’s more manageable?

Got to the church early so you are there before the guests and don’t have to do the big entrance and walk down the aisle. Just sit in a side room and then when it’s time pop out and marry your OH

Then you can decide if you want to go home whilst your guests go to the reception or if you feel like you could go for a little bit and see how it is.

Maybe just breaking it down into different bits and removing some of the “all eyes on you” stuff like the entrance and walk down the aisle could help?

Look it's the beginning of your marriage! How you want to start that is your and his decision.

If you cancel people will either deal with it or they won't and if the don't then they are adults and it's not your job to fix their feelings.

Cancelling is nothing to do with anyone else and it's not a nasty dig at anyone so if they take it badly then they have misunderstood the intention and that's not your fault.

You and you (nearly) new husband need to have a sit down and have a chat about what you both really want to do and how to achieve that. Then as a united couple you need to go forward with that plan because really this is about both of your lives not anyone else's.

If you decide it's not worth the hassle to cancel then just think of it as one day, it's just a shitty party you have to get through but it doesn't matter what happens or what goes wrong because by the end of it you will be married and at the end of the day you will be in bed with your new husband and then you never need to think about it again.
Who cares if there are 1000 people there and no one gets a meal or it pisses down all day, it's just one day and at the end of it no one will have died.

The absolute worst that can happen is at the end of it some but not all think well that wasn't a very good day, well so bloody what because its just one day

we wanted just out younger siblings as witnesses and our two kids then a bbq at my parents but our parents vitoed that and my mum wouldn't give in

I don’t understand why you went along with your mum’s plans if you didn’t want your wedding to be like this. The only people who can veto a decision on a wedding is you and the person you’re marrying surely? I hear you that you felt you should agree as she’s paying for half of it but surely the decent thing to do at the point of realising you didn’t like the sound of your mum’s wedding ideas would be to have declined her money and paid, yourself, for the wedding YOU want. Rather than being happy to take her money but then resented the wedding being not what you wanted.

Bit late now anyway isn’t it. Sounds like you could use some help around assertiveness, you simply do not ever have to go along with what your mum wants for your wedding. At some point this was a choice you made, to have this type of wedding.

I’m not quite understanding people saying just go marry in the registry office instead, in most areas you have to give notice which is at least 28 days and they’re booked up weeks, months in advance?

I think you need to have a face to face stern discussion with your DM and she needs to know how much she’s pressured you into every aspect of this wedding that you don’t want. Tell her you want the marriage but not all the show. You’ll need support from either an outsider or your DP when you speak to her. She’s brought all this on you and it’s not right imo.

Everyone coming to the wedding is there for you. You have their support and their love.
Will, that help you get through the day?

Another poster suggested breaking down what is stressing you out. Could you arrange a counseling session, like 2 hours min (an hour wouldn't be enough) from a professional? It may help you out - like today/tomorrow?

Your bipolar isn't the problem....your mum is.

I'd do what many other posters have said. Go ahead & get married but with just a couple of very good friends as witnesses. Tell everyone else to enjoy the reception & everything else that follows.

And take control of your life.

Just read your update, if you have the strength you need to call this off and step away from your mother's control. It can't be helping your mental health. From what you have said she won't put up with changes that will help you as she doesn't understand why your mental health needs.

OP, I have just read your update and I think the situation is even worse, knowing what you wanted and what you have been coerced into.

Your mother has ridden roughshod over you and your partner in an effort to put on the show she wants. In those circumstances, even without knowing of your MH issues, I would cancel just to establish some boundaries.

I hope you or someone else cancels and you just concentrate on getting better after your meltdown. Perhaps a change of medication or dosage may be in order?

When you are up to it perhaps you need some therapy to help you with assertiveness and establishing and reinforcing boundaries. Do you have a Support Worker who you can talk to!

It doesn't matter how much money is spent or wasted, you have no reason to feel embarrassed at all.

Your wedding day should be exactly how you and your partner want it to be.

Oh bless you. Yy to everything ODFOx said. There is time, if you want to, to turn this around for yourself, and take the nightmare out of your wedding day. Of course, you can cancel if you want to. That is your prerogative. However, you can also rock up to the church wearing whatever you want to wear, marry the man you love, and leave your mum and her friends to have the reception. You and your few friends can go home and have a pizza and glass of wine, if that's what you want.

Have you talked to your df about how you are feeling? I'm sure that he (and hundreds of MNetters) will be right there for you. "If anyone asks you a question direct them to your DM or MOH or your fiancé. These people love you; Let them protect you." This. Exactly. Look after yourself.

Oh luvvie, what a predicament!
Your wedding day is meant to be one of the happiest days of your life-this clearly won't be the case for you!
I'm afraid I'm useless as I have no advice other than to echo a pp who said your MH is more important. You have to do what's best for you. Your fiancée will understand. After all, a wedding is just an event, it's marriage that's the achievement.
I hope it works out for you.
Sending you these
Xxxx