Using my child to illustrate a horrible scenario AIBU?

[CJ201]

Sorry if my title isn't clear but I didn't really know what to put. I'll describe what has happened though and tell me your thoughts. I was out for lunch with a friend and she was telling me that her DBro has slowly over time gone NC with her, her DM & Dad. It's not clear what has happened but my friend feels like it's her DBro wife who is behind it and has caused the rift. I listened to her and I really felt for her as I could see how upset she was. Then she goes...'How would you feel if ( my DS name) did that?' It immediately got my back up so I turned it around. I said I would feel sad and then asked her, how would she feel if ( her DS name) did the same to her? I could see she did not like it and the subject got changed.

AIBU? I feel weird about it. Why drag my young child into it? It's not the first time this has happened to me, it's happened before with another person and about a different issue. I think I get angry when my child gets dragged into something, even if it's an imaginary scenario!

You might not be an emotial toliet but I bet you're bloody hard work!

She probably sounded bitter as she is bitter about the situation.

We weren't there - maybe you gave well intentioned advice or input which made her feel that you hadn't understood. Maybe you were too calm and she felt you didn't understand how she felt. Maybe she spoke bitterly and you felt that was directed at you when she was directing it at the situation.

Whatever, she is clearly having a hard time. I cut my friends some slack when they are having a really bad time, even if they behave in a way that I find a bit off.

You seem to have made this all about you and how it made you feel, rather than understand where her behaviour may have come from. Tbh it makes me think you are not as empathetic as you believe.

This is a non issue.

I think it's about my boundary line and she crossed it. I am always happy to lend a listening ear to a friend and to be supportive but I am not an emotional toilet ie. a person for people to dump all their shit into.

That is absolutely valid and that is your choice.

Belfort - possibly but I'm worth it!

I think I get where you're coming from, Op.

She was talking about her brother & then mentioned your child which isn't comparable imo.

Plus how can you answer that other than devastated/heartbroken?

When someone is telling you stuff like that it can be hard not to sound disinterested/patronising by saying "oh dear, how terrible" too much.

I'm also one who tends to want to say stuff, I don't really want responses/solutions/suggestions & it can hard not to treat others the same way.

I think you over reacted.

But I think she was trying to get "more" out of you and have her feelings validated. Maybe that is what you were reacting to really?
Because you don't know: the brother, the reality of family life when they were growing up, or how his parents have treated him.

I can't help thinking that: maybe he has an awful wife who is alienating him from his family.
But also possibly he had an awful family dynamic - and his wife is supporting him to break free?

And I have close friend, who I used to fairly frequently stay with as a teenager - but I had no idea until fairly recently just what her and her sisters went through growing up. And I 100% believe what she has told me - and it even makes sense.

I don't think you were empathetic. She obviously felt the need to try and hammer home the point.

You say that kids are off limits but you just mean your kids, because you lashed out and did the same to her. If what she said was such a travesty and such a terrible thing, why did you do it too?

You didn't take time to reflect. You could have taken a deep breath, understood that her anger and bitterness are not directed at you and actually supported her. All you had to say was, yes that would be really awful, I can't imagine how much that hurts. Instead she probably now feels worse that someone she considered a friend couldn't offer a shoulder to cry on.

Not to mention saying that your kids can't be used in hypothetical situations is madly overprotective. She was using the idea of your children to illustrate a point, not doing any harm to your actual kids.

I really don't understand your issue. I've had friends asking me to put myself in their shoes during problems. You either
A) do so and gain a better understanding of the emotions they are going through
B) don't and say something like "oh i couldn't imagine ".

I think you are overreacting. How old is your child? I reckon you should be excused if a PFB less than 6 weeks.

Yeah, I would guess you are lacking in empathy. It comes across in how you describe her as well. You call her "bitter" - I would imagine "hurting deeply" is more accurate. But it is your call and you don't have to empathize with people. She might have realised this and talk to someone else about her problems in future.

I thought you were going to say something like graphic sexual abuse or something like that.
Seriously OP she was just asking, theres something wrong with you if you take offense at that.

I felt attacked I guess. My kids are off limits.

You keep saying things like this but you haven't explained why?

She didn't insult them or anything, she just asked how you'd feel if one of them did that to you

It's not her fault that you appear irrationally sensitive.

I think she was inappropriate to use your DS in that comparison and I wouldn’t have liked it either.

Atrocious why though?

You were t saying the right things so she needed to make it more personal.

Sigh.

I was expecting the 'scenario' to be something involving death or injury or illness or abduction - in common with others on the thread, I think you are being over-sensitive, OP.

She is bitter, because she feels she is being treating unfairly and is upset for her parents.
Perhaps she misunderstood your quiet listening as not understanding and was trying to get you to understand the point.

Turning it around and making it about her child is stupid, she knows how she feels, she wanted you to get it.

You have over reacted and been rude to a friend when she is down.

To be honest, the way you have made this all about YOU and how SHE made YOU feel, I suspect that your opinion of what a good listener you are may be different to hers. Hopefully next time she will choose to share her upset with someone else who is more concerned about their friend's feelings than their own. That would be better for both of you.

Crikey - in my history lessons at school the teacher used to make us re-enact various historical scenarios as a way of visualising and remembering facts (I remember being Anne Boleyn once). I thought you were going to say something similar.
Sorry - I think you are over-reacting.

It just all sounds very insecure and defensive of you.

Why on earth would you feel attacked in that context? It’s very odd.

It’s you not her.

Crikey - in my history lessons at school the teacher used to make us re-enact various historical scenarios as a way of visualising and remembering facts (I remember being Anne Boleyn once).

That’s exactly what I thought. Child enacting Anne Boleyn’s execution or something.

Goodness what a storm in a teacup.

I can't see how Op made it about her.

She reacted to a comment that she didn't like & wasn't really that pertinent to the situation imo.

I find it hard to listen to someone's troubles & react appropriately, I think.

I don't mean that I laugh hysterically, but I tend to listen & not say that much & I sometimes wonder if what do I say comes across as patronising.

I think it's strange to try to get a reaction from someone because they're not behaving as you think they should about your problems.