Using my child to illustrate a horrible scenario AIBU?

[CJ201]

Sorry if my title isn't clear but I didn't really know what to put. I'll describe what has happened though and tell me your thoughts. I was out for lunch with a friend and she was telling me that her DBro has slowly over time gone NC with her, her DM & Dad. It's not clear what has happened but my friend feels like it's her DBro wife who is behind it and has caused the rift. I listened to her and I really felt for her as I could see how upset she was. Then she goes...'How would you feel if ( my DS name) did that?' It immediately got my back up so I turned it around. I said I would feel sad and then asked her, how would she feel if ( her DS name) did the same to her? I could see she did not like it and the subject got changed.

AIBU? I feel weird about it. Why drag my young child into it? It's not the first time this has happened to me, it's happened before with another person and about a different issue. I think I get angry when my child gets dragged into something, even if it's an imaginary scenario!

What a strange reaction.

No that's the thing, it wasn't a 'how would you feel...' seeking advice / help, it was a more, 'how would you feel....' it felt really bitter and challenging.

YABU, but in a way I recognize from my own weird over-reactions to hypothetical situations.
Still unreasonable though.

I have an idea of what you mean OP. It’s quite an aggressive question, “How would YOU feel”. I probably wouldn’t be annoyed enough to post about it on MN but that doesn’t mean YABU.

I thought it was a normal thing to ask “how would you feel in my situation”

Unless I’ve completely missed something

I think people do it so it hits home ie. Makes you more empathetic. I would not have liked it either if my child was mentioned in such a way. Yanbu x

She was just asking you to imagine how her parents might feel at their son going NC with them. The fact that you were so instantly outraged does rather indicate that perhaps you weren't being as empathic as you thought.

The thing was I was being empathic. I think I felt that she was feeling quite bitter / negative about it all and tried to transfer her feelings onto me

People do often lash out when they’re hurt, maybe she was offloading those feelings on you, she’s clearly struggling with being estranged from her brother. Moreso because it seems like she and the parents have done something to warrant the behaviour?

It really isn’t about you, but I’d be miffed that somebody I was trying to help was lashing out and dumping their issues on me too.

Thank you Utter! Absolutely agree that it's normal for people to ask 'how would you feel ....' that is normal and is a good way to get support etc. but this felt very bitter and like I say, challenging towards me and quite telling that when I turned it around and used her son as an example, she did not like it. It was the context I guess, which I cannot portray over a chat forum. I felt attacked I guess. My kids are off limits.

Sugar plum, I think what you're saying is true. She was lashing out in a passive aggressive way. There was something about the way she said it.

I can understand how you might feel upset if she challenged you as if you weren't being sympathetic, when you felt you had been wholly supportive.

But, it wouldn't matter a jot that she referred to my dc. How could that feel threatening? She's not casting a spell!

I thought it was going to be a much more shocking scenario too!

tried to transfer her feelings onto me

I think you were shocked/upset at the thought and you are transferring these feelings onto the woman who suggested it.

The other thing that occurs to me is she didn’t mean to upset you but seemed to be trying to help you empathise. You did mean to upset her by flinging the question back at her- not cool.

If this has happened twice with two different people, maybe your empathy skills, or at least how you demonstrate empathy, are not as strong as you imagine.

I agree with you OP, she was very odd to do that - to use a child (especially your child) to illustrate adult behaviour.

The obvious answer is 'he's a child, how on earth can I know or imagine what he might do as an adult and how I might feel about that?!'

She's asking you to put yourself in her parents' shoes, yet you do not have an adult child or a DIL.

Of course she just means that losing contact with a loved adult child (and brother) is horrible - but any person with any empathy or imagination can easily understand that, by thinking about her situation. Her clumsy attempt to 'induce empathy' in you by involving your DS is so unnecessary, it suggests she struggles to understand or empathise with things that haven't already happened to her directly - and she assumes she is normal, therefore that you are the same.

If she was speaking in a how would you like it way, then perhaps she did not perceive your interaction as empathic.

I guess hammering home her point when you were already agreeing with her is a bit rude. Like saying you are too stupid to really understand the situation.

Thank you for your feedback everyone! I'm continuing to think about it and I still feel pissed off with her! The way she said it....full of bitterness. Felt like she was trying to transfer her negativity onto me. I was very empathic but i felt like she crossed a line.

YABU. Calling her 'bitter' is out of order, too, as had you considered her example, you'd realise it would be something that was extremely painful to the vast majority of people and she's obviously feeling that to speak to you in that way.

Mind you, when I looked at the shortened link, it stopped at 'horrible'. My thought was using your child to illustrate what a horrible kid is like. Which would have been unfair.

it suggests she struggles to understand or empathise with things that haven't already happened to her directly

or that the OP did not convey her empathy / understanding clearly.

You are overthinking and you also overreacted. I can’t understand why you would find this offensive, humans typically try to place themselves in another person’s shoes to understand. It’s called empathy.

It sounds as though she was lashing out at you (to 'punish you'), because you hadn't conveyed enough sympathy for her, in a way that satisfied her.

Perhaps you are a reflective listener, whereas she wants an instant, dramatic, reaction. Does that ring true?

I am empathic and I'm a great listener. Perhaps some people expect too much? Empathising and being dragged into another's 'life experience' is another matter.

I think it was a bit of a thoughtless comment from your friend. You were empathising with her predicament - she didn't need to hammer the point home by asking you to imagine something upsetting.

I would try not to dwell on it now, but I see why it irked you.

🤣🤣🤣
Christ on a fuckin bike!
Is there actually people out there analysing and being upset/angry over innocent comments?
Away and give yourself a shake OP
Note only replies are to PP who agree 🙄

Overreaction
She wasn't dragging you or your child into anything, she was just putting it in a way you would understand.

I think YABU and it does sound like you have overreacted to me.

I would guess that she felt you didn’t understand how much it upset her so put it into a different scenario. Quite clearly as soon as she did that, you saw why it was so upsetting for her because you were then able to relate to why she was feeling so hurt.