Using my child to illustrate a horrible scenario AIBU?

[CJ201]

Sorry if my title isn't clear but I didn't really know what to put. I'll describe what has happened though and tell me your thoughts. I was out for lunch with a friend and she was telling me that her DBro has slowly over time gone NC with her, her DM & Dad. It's not clear what has happened but my friend feels like it's her DBro wife who is behind it and has caused the rift. I listened to her and I really felt for her as I could see how upset she was. Then she goes...'How would you feel if ( my DS name) did that?' It immediately got my back up so I turned it around. I said I would feel sad and then asked her, how would she feel if ( her DS name) did the same to her? I could see she did not like it and the subject got changed.

AIBU? I feel weird about it. Why drag my young child into it? It's not the first time this has happened to me, it's happened before with another person and about a different issue. I think I get angry when my child gets dragged into something, even if it's an imaginary scenario!

My kids are off limits

WTF? She didn't say anything bad about your ds, and she didn't drag him into the situation. What are going on about?

Lottie - definitely a reflective listener! We are all individuals and all react differently to life events. If someone is telling their story to me I am calm and listen, I might give advice occasionally but in my experience peps don't like being told what to do.

Maybe they should go on social media if they want the 'OMG hon' 'PM me hon' full works treatment.

Ridiculous response

Guess you had to be there I suppose!

I don't think it would bother me even if I had been there.

I think 'being a good listener' is your problem - she wanted shock and overt sympathy, rather than listening and seeking to understand.

Those of you suggesting that one could better understand the behaviour of an adult, by imagining a young child, yet incapable of such behaviour, doing the same... I find you very odd. Why would you need to resort to such a clunky, insensitive device to persuade someone to listen to you sympathetically? You'd have to be an extraordinarily poor story-teller, both to need to do that and, to think it would help.

I think your friend was upset at what her DB has done and talking about it has got her worked up so asked you how you would feel in that scenario, perhaps to justify her own anger at DB. When you turned it back to her DS she probably turned sick at the thought, bad enough her DB doing it but her DS as well.

I don't see anything untoward in what she said.

Two people in two different circumstances have made you angry by allegedly "dragging" your child into a What If scenario. Given that the example you posted here is a massive fuss over nothing I would guess the issue is with you, not them.

awaits dripfeed

Yup. She needs to go on Nethuns.

You are a loving mother who, in this instance is delightfully BU

YABU

You don't sound particularly empathetic and clearly your friend doesn't think you are either.

Lottie - shall I join to and piss them all off with my reflectiveness?

Keep the kids out of it! That's what I say! Thanks all for your input!

My kids are off limits.

But hers aren’t as you asked her exactly the same thing.

What a bizarre thing to be annoyed about.

How else was she going to get you to understand how she feels?

Don’t turn this on you, she has a problem and she needs your input. She’d have said it if you were childless.

OP, you're being utterly melodramatic. "Dragging my young child into it" - FFS!

I said I would feel sad and then asked her, how would she feel if ( her DS name) did the same to her? I could see she did not like it and the subject got changed.

She probably decided to change the subject because she could see how much you were overreacting.

Huuuuge overreaction on your part, if it happened just as you've said.

She got my input but a DBRO who I don't personally know, has gone NC. It's a sad, situation and she is mourning her brother. He's NC and from what she said, reconciliation is not gonna happen. All you can do is listen and let it her talk it out, which is what I did.

I suspect you might gain a similar reaction - being frozen out for your failure to emote on cue.

Hope you patched things up with your friend anyway and she's able to grasp that people express sympathy differently. It would be a shame for her to lose a good friend when she needs one.

You need to toughen up, it's a long road being a parent, don't waste your energy on silly stuff like this.

OP I’ve used that tactic only once in my life, to illustrate something to somebody who completely lacked empathy for a situation his sisters rather than his children were involved in. He was utterly okay with the situation when it was about his sisters but liked a raging bull when he thought about applying it to his daughters. From reading what you’ve written I think you had sympathy for your friend but no empathy. You don’t have to empathise with her though. Perhaps it is not that type of relationship for you. It is up to you to set boundaries for your friendship and if it is not okay with you for her to do that just tell her.

'How would you feel if your DC did this' is the same as saying 'put yourself in my parents situation and imagine how upset they must feel'.

She clearly felt you weren't quite grasping the emotions involved in the situation.

My kids are off limits. - what does that mean ? - is no one ever allowed to mention them? Bonkers.

Anyway - you can just go NC with her that's generally the solution to everything - saves wasting time talking to people.

yanbu op.

I’ve had this a few ties and it makes me uncomfortable too. ‘How would you like it if...’ tends to be something you say when telling off a child, or during an argument, not when seeking a bit of moral support from a friend. I get what you’re saying about trying to project and transfer. It’s weird, to drag someone else’s child into their unrelated problems. Strange behaviour, and not very nice.

Guess you had to be there I suppose!

Yep, I suppose so to. Because this makes little sense.

I think it's about my boundary line and she crossed it. I am always happy to lend a listening ear to a friend and to be supportive but I am not an emotional toilet ie. a person for people to dump all their shit into.

We are not close, close friends, see each other every couple of months.

I get what you mean op it was more of a “well how the fuck would you like it?!” Question than a “how would you feel if...?” Yes that would get me defensive too if I’d been consoling someone and trying to be supportive so I think YANBU.