Aibu - not to know how to deal with DD's secret Instagram account

[seriouslylong]

My dd is 12, she has asked me for an instagram account lots of times and I said no. I recently found out she created an account without telling me.

I was going to tell her right away that I knew and deal with it but I decided to monitor it for a few days.

Now I have seen she has posted photos of herself in a bikini which she knows is unacceptable. I now feel like I can't trust her.

I will be swapping her phone for a brick phone, but I'm not sure how else to deal with this as she completely went behind my back with this and then took it much further by putting up bikini photos of herself.

I think no more internet is a good start. When she earns your trust back maybe let her have insta and monitor it and see how she goes. Tell her if she goes behind your back again it's a permanent ban until she pays for it herself.

I’d ban the internet all together unless it is completely monitored by you. She has breached your trust and needs to know that is completely unacceptable. You also need to have a word about internet perverts I think...

I think removing the phone is the right way to go. Has she got a tablet as well? Take that too, or don't let her use it unsupervised.

I think showing her how these digital tattoos can stop women getting jobs is a good start.

Some stories of these titilating photos getting the attention of sexual predators? Tell her about seeing bikini shots of young girls and how they’re putting back achievements of women, talk to her about what these girls want to achieve and why they want that sort of attention? See if she owns up or deletes it?

It’s happened with friends daughters, it does seem to be the thing loads of them do so please don’t be too disappointed. They just don’t see beyond the likes and realise how serious it is.

Ok I think youneed to tell her youfound her account and ask her why she made it why she is posting pictures like she is and if she thinks they are appropriate,? Taking her phone away will stop it for a while but she will find a way. Btw I think instagram are awful for children the trash they can see and be influenced by is damaging but if you allow somethings then I think they are lesslikely to hide things.

The more you tighten the reigns the more she will push back are you/ have you asked her why she wanted to post them. Ask if anyone asked her too. If she wanted to to be seen by peers in a certain way? I’m not saying don’t punish her but I am saying try and get the why out of her x

Is awful not are

Remove the phone. She has put herself in vulnerable position.

I also suggest going on line with her and showing her stories about predators that lurk on the internet.

She clearly is mature enough to be allows access unsupervised to the internet. It's not really about punishment. It's about keeping her safe.

No internet. For a long time. Lots of conversations about grooming and putting herself at risk. I would also be letting school know so they can tackle it at a wider level (it won't just be your dd) and flagging it with her friends parents in case their dd's are doing the same.

Oh gosh this happens a lot. Given how much work schools do on Internet safety, how much we talk about it at home it's clear to me that young people still don't understand how global the internet is. We had a similar situation when my daughter was 12 (she's 13 now and seems to be getting it more now, but some of her classmates absolutely do not!).

I went to an Internet safety evening last year given by local police force and a particular phrase really stuck with me "we don't fence all bodies of water, we teach our children to swim". With that in mind we dealt with the similar situation with an Internet ban for a period of time, talking again about Internet safety using examples of incidents that had happened to friend's children, and reiterating the deal we originally had in place for using social media apps when under the age they're meant for (ie. we monitor her phone at night, initially every night, now once a week).

We also have ScreenTime installed across all devices.

It’s straightforward to set up parental controls. If you haven’t set them up then she could have accessed a lot worse than instagram. Admittedly you can’t control what she sees and does on her friends devices but you have complete control over what she accessed on hers.

I sometimes think setting up perinatal controls is more important for young teens than it it for little kids.

Report her account as underage. It will soon get removed.

I think kids are rebelli g and sticking their fingers up at fuddy duddy adults and their internet safety talks they know better than us which is why they set up the secret accounts. I don't know what the answer is it has been happening for years and the message doesn't seem to be getting through.

Totally agree with whats been written .
Who knows where it will end if you just let her carry on.
VERY WORRYING FOR ANY PARENT.

I agree start off with taking her phone. I can't get my head around why a 12 year old would want to post a photo of herself in a bikini on Instagram. Hopefully her account was set to private and no one apart from her friends has viewed it.

Nuttyornice I'm fairly good with tech and actually have no idea how to set up parental controls... Do you mean on the phone (android) , the wifi, or the browser itself?

How to set up iOS Parental Controls

[[https://support.google.com/googleplay/answer/1075738?hl=en-GB Google play Parental Controls])

It amazes me that parents don’t bother setting these things up. (I understand the OP may have set them up and I also understand that it’s not unusual to trust your DC etc etc)
Nothing can replace educating your children on the dangers of the internet but parental controls should be seen as a basic requirement for any child with a connected device.

"we don't fence all bodies of water, we teach our children to swim".
This is true - but before they can swim we supervise them around Lakes and Rivers etc. with great care. And we also make judgements about how good their swimming is and how they are progressing.

I have spent a lot of time "discussing" with my DC about the internet. We have installed rules about its use. We discuss "perverts" and the stuff their teachers tell them at school. They tell me about other students inappropriate photos. We discuss how sharing naked photos of people their age can be seen and punished as Child Porn.
And when one of my DD once shared a slightly "risky" photo we pointed out why it might not be "a good idea".

You have a limited few years while you still can influence their internet use and get these messages across.
And it's good to keep the conversation doors open - rather than outright bans.

Because they are seeing older girls young women posting pictures getting likes and they want the same attention and approval it is like a drug chasing the likes !

Agree with @Ilnome that you need to get to the bottom of why she is posting this sort of thing behind your back- peer pressure? Boyfriend?? Bullying??? This needs to be understood.
And confiscating the phone until she earns your trust back is defo the way to go.
Good luck OP x

The key test in our house was always "What would Grandma think if she saw your post?" Let her know that you check, run through privacy settings and keep communication lines open, so she will be more likely to talk to you if she accidentally does something daft on line.

I disagree with removing phone or internet access etc. Sit down and tell her you have found her account. Or better still pass her the phone with her account on it. Then listen to why she wanted it, why she chose these photos etc. To respect your rules she needs to feel respected and understood too. This is the age that boundary pushing is totally normal- as is trying to fit in. If she doesn’t feel listened to at home she will just disengage with you. Thinking she could be without a phone or internet shows her just how little you’d understand her so show her she is wrong and you do understand but you also want to keep her safe.

I teach children younger than yours (9-11yo) but one thing a parent told me they do at home is take their child’s phone after a certain time of the evening and the agreement between parent and child is that they can then look at whatever is on that phone until they return it the next day. This seems intrusive but that was the proviso for child having a mobile phone and actually it ended up unearthing a case of cyberbullying towards their child which the school then dealt with severely. Their child was too embarrassed to verbalise it but knew their parents would find it and deal with it on their nightly phone patrol. Perhaps this is an idea for something you can implement going forward to build the trust back? Just an idea I’ve heard that works for that family. I don’t envy mothers with children of social media age and it’s definitely a quagmire I’m not looking forward to having to navigate in a few years time!!!

TheHeathenOfSuburbia. Parental controls are designed to be very, very easy to set up and use. Even people who are not the least bit tech’y should be able to do it. Just have a google. What type of devices do you have?

When my dd first asked for an Instagram account (age 9 or 10, I think), I agreed, but on the condition that she opened two accounts. One public and one private. We then discussed what would be appropriate to put on the public account (pictures of Starbucks and flowers and anything that had no personally identifying information). And the private account was things like pictures of herself or our home or her friends. And of course we had many discussions about not putting pictures of herself in bikinis or anything else inappropriate. Rule of thumb was that if she thought mom wouldn't approve, then it probably wasn't appropriate. And finally I had to be given the login/password and I was logged in as her on my phone.

Now that dd is 16 she is far more internet save and savvy than her peers because instead of my just saying no, I taught her how to manage an account.

By the way, many of dd's friends had their phones taken away for various infractions and there was always a friend with a spare phone offering it up while the child was phone-less. Much more important, I think to sit down and talk with your child about being safe and wise on the internet. You might also want to point out that Universities and employers look at applicants' social media as part of the vetting process.
And finally don't fool yourself by thinking that setting up parental controls will work...guaranteed that if your dc doesn't already know how to bypass them, they will have a friend who does (I know because my ds was that kid...he'd hacked past the parental controls at his elementary school when he was 7).