Aibu - not to know how to deal with DD's secret Instagram account

[seriouslylong]

My dd is 12, she has asked me for an instagram account lots of times and I said no. I recently found out she created an account without telling me.

I was going to tell her right away that I knew and deal with it but I decided to monitor it for a few days.

Now I have seen she has posted photos of herself in a bikini which she knows is unacceptable. I now feel like I can't trust her.

I will be swapping her phone for a brick phone, but I'm not sure how else to deal with this as she completely went behind my back with this and then took it much further by putting up bikini photos of herself.

[NoEntryIntoTheMind]

I'd go with the previous poster Sofia's advice.

Outright banning and refusal to discuss the instagram account led to her setting one up without your knowledge in the first place. Why? probably because the majority of her friends are on insta (as Facebook really isn't as popular with teens).

Instead of using this as a battle, and removal of her phone, it would be a good idea to teach her how to use social media. Let her keep the account - but make it private and also remove any content that is inappropriate. You have access to it, and on that basis she gets to keep the account. Any further secret accounts will lead to removal. Same for the content. Teach her what is and isn't appropriate content. Nice picture with friends - ok. Bikini shots - not ok.

You will only be adding fuel to the fire if you remove all of her internet access. She will create other accounts and then she won't be learning any lessons except how to hide things from her mother, and this potentially makes her much more vulnerable.

Work with her, not against her.

[NuttyOrNice]

TheHeathenOfSuburbia
Lol, if you think the ‘ship has sailed’ when it comes to having some control over their online access when your DC is only 12 then good luck with the rest of her teenage years. 😬
I assume you literally have no control whatsoever? I think I’d bite the bullet and at least get some control back. Even if it’s just so you have some control over how long she spends online and what sites and apps she can access. Even sensible well behaved kids can be tempted to google inappropriate things. Why would you make it so easy for them?
Parental Controls have massively improved over the last few years. They are simple to set up and are easily customizable.
They aren’t foolproof but they are a good start. I don’t understand why any parent wouldn’t use them. Look at all the stories about good kids getting into serious trouble online.
I totally trusted my kids but I still had parental controls set up. Why wouldn’t I???? My favourite setting was that I set it up so that none of them had online access after a set time.

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

@TheHeathenOfSuburbia @NuttyOrNice

I've looked into spyware but to get one that has Whatsapp capabilities is about $50 a month which needs to be paid upfront for 12 months. I might see if there's a trial I can use before committing that sort of cash!
We have parental controls set as far as we can and I pretty much have control over his phone via Family Sharing; it's just frustrating that this is one app I can't see remotely.
@nuttyornice I work in media and Whatsapp is not considered social media; it's considered a messaging service. WA was age 12 (I think) before GDPR but as he could only contact people he knew we've taken the view that it's safer than a social media platform. He's not allowed any social media until he's 13, including YouTube.

[Milicentbystander72]

I have a 15 yr old. I agree that banning the internet is not the way to go. Internet Education is the key,

My dd got Instagram and Snapchat when she was 12. I installed in her the whole truth about social media. I showed her my own Facebook account, showed her people who had filter their face, lied about how many people they were with, showed her dodgy shopping websites the lot. I showed her that there was no-one on there I didn't know in RL. My mum and MIL were in there. I told her I always had yo careful what to post. instilled in her the idea that social media isn't always real, we also talked about long term digital imprints, future job prospects. How private photos aren't private the moment to send it to someone.
I think it scared her shirtless.

Maybe I've been lucky but I've never had a problem. Dd happily unfollows people who might make her feel a bit crap. She had a group WhatsApp group for her year group. Whenever I ask to see her phone she has no problem. Mainly the discussions are around music or films etc. Her Instagram account is full of really nice photography - urban landscapes, fields of hay, odd looking doorways etc. It has the odd fully clothed grainy arty black and white selfie. She follows recipe instagram accounts and often cooks us stuff!

On the whole SM has been a positive thing for her.

We are really close and I'm so pleased that she still talks to me. She tells me of girls she knows who have sent naked pics to boys and lived to regret it. We've discussed it over again. One girl she knows had to change schools.

So, don't ban the internet. The internet is all encompassing. Look how much adults are on their phones. You need to teach her to respect her body, and her future.

I've also had a similar chat with my DS who is 12.

[bobstersmum]

Dsd had an Instagram account at 12 which her dad and I objected to, her dm said she would monitor it, however we added her so we could see for ourselves and the majority of the pics were very pouty, posey with bits of flesh on show, definitely not looking like a 12 year old. Her dm thought it was fine so we made clear we weren't having any involvement.
Op I would stop all Internet personally.

[SomeAfternoonDelight]

Speaking to her about why she feels the need to put these pictures on social media would be a good start, explain that sometimes people that do this have very edited pictures, possibly have self esteem issues, and need attention to fill a hole that can only be filled by themselves. Getting to the deeper part of the problem... and also highlighting she’s 12. A lot of girls in my school year we’re having sex at the age 12 and 13 and I remember very very vividly how it was ‘cool’ back then to do that, and how peer pressure was very very real.

[Naldorian]

Taking away her phone won't stop her accessing her Instagram account, the only way to do that is to delete the account. I wasn't allowed Facebook, so I didn't use the home computer to set it up, or a phone, I did it at friend's house on their computer. Idk if you want to do the "no more internet until you delete the account in front of me"

[YouJustDoYou]

Instead of using this as a battle, and removal of her phone, it would be a good idea to teach her how to use social media. Let her keep the account - but make it private and also remove any content that is inappropriate. You have access to it, and on that basis she gets to keep the account. Any further secret accounts will lead to removal. Same for the content. Teach her what is and isn't appropriate content. Nice picture with friends - ok. Bikini shots - not ok

^^Absolutely yes to all of this advice. We (the parents) had the local policewoman in charge of online child safety come to give a talk about how to deal with just this sort of thing and how to deal with keeping kids safe. She gave exactly the above advice.

[sashh]

A photo of a 12 year old in a bikini could be illegal.

Depending on maturity ask her how she feels about someone her grandfather's age masturbating while looking at her photograph?

I'd go with the advice about using social media.

And I would bin her bikini.

[NuttyOrNice]

DickieDavisThunderThighs

Ohh, I didn't realise Whattsapp wasn't considered social media 😅. I really thought it was.
I never used the monitoring apps - I didn't want to pay and I found the iOS parental controls along with our regular BT parental controls did everything I needed. I also used the parental controls on Nintendo/PlayStation etc.

If your son is hiding messages then I guess you have to decide whether you are ok with him having Whattsapp or not.
It's easy to block it if you can't trust him 🤷🏻‍♀️

[TheHeathenOfSuburbia]

Yeah, spyware is £££, but there's literally a function of whatsapp that enables you to duplicate the phone chat - it tells the phone user you're doing it so not stealth spying, but still.
You login from a web browser, it gives you a QR code which you photograph with the phone and then you can use the account from your browser, helpful if you're typing long messages.

[PinguDance]

I work with girls this age and I think one of the tricky questions to address is also - why can’t she put up a picture of herself in a bikini? Obviously as adults we understand there’s a distinction between being a pre-teen and being an adult but she will likely think that if adults/older teens can do it she can too. Women have to navigate a really complicated landscape of bikini images that can be sexualised but also can be positive and fun, can promote body confidence but can also be an unhealthy obsession etc.etc. I think it can be really difficult to explain the nuances of this to a 12 yr old. I mean - old men might wank over you is one way of doing it though not one I’d want to broach myself...

It’s hard to get the message right but I think you should explain to her why it makes you so uncomfortable and worried that she has Instagram and why it’s unacceptable for her to put bikini pics up.

[PeoplesFrontOfJudith]

OP you’ve had some good advice on how to frame the discussion with your daughter. I would just suggest though having the conversation with as ‘a primer before being entrusted with social media’ i.e don’t let her know you’ve found her account yet.

The reason is she’ll be on the defensive if she knows she’s in trouble and be less receptive. But do include reasons why we don’t post scantily clad photos and give her real life stories of children who were groomed to read together, there’s plenty online.

Tell her to have a think about it all and if there’s anything she wants to discuss, give her until the next day to fess up. If she doesn’t then you need to have a calm chat with her about how disappointed you are that she broke your trust, there should be a couple of days of losing her phone and then a chat of how she thinks you should both proceed from there.

[FishCanFly]

Find her some SCARY reading material about sexual predators online.

[SummerSix]

No internet unless its on a laptop in the lounge.

Tell her you're more disappointed than annoyed.

[FishCanFly]

A photo of a 12 year old in a bikini could be illegal.

Nonsense. All the holiday photos of kids splashing about would be a crime. Of course no.

[mummmy2017]

Ask you DD what punishment she thinks is fair.
Ask her if she would like you to put bikini shots online.
The reason I say don't ban , is her friends will help her disobey you.
This is her world, help her too see it as wrong, rather than something to do secretly.

[Numbersaremything]

Internet bans don't work, as they can log on at school and via friend's phones. Then they keep trying to hide things, which means that if they do get into trouble or scared, they are less likely to share the problem with you until it has escalated. Please always keep communication lines open.

[surreysnapper]

Just link her Insta to your account, that's what I do with my son... he knows I can access it anytime I want

[kankenkanken]

@sashh That’s a bit of a reach! What about family holiday photos like @FishCanFly mentioned?

OP is her account private or public? DD1 is 14 and has a private instagram account where she has pictures of her and her sister, DSS, DSD and her friends laughing on the beach in swimwear which happens to be a bikini. I’m perfectly happy with this as her account is tightly locked down :)

[MrsPerfect12]

Have her watch this... Kayleigh's love story. True about a teen that was groomed on lline, raped and murdered.
I've showed this to my teen a few times. Better than any talk she just won't really listen but showing this really hit it home to my teen.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=WsbYHI-rZOE

[KevinKlineSwoon]

Is your DD just trying to fit in with her friends? If she's the only one who doesn't have an instagram page, I can see why she kept it from you. Maybe you could find a way to compromise? My DD has an account because everyone in her group of friends had one and she was feeling left out. She is very trustworthy about other things, and I monitor it carefully.

[KevinKlineSwoon]

Make sure she has a private account and you can vet who follows her. All the comments about bikinis are really shocking me. Unless she has her legs spread, or is posing provocatively, she has just posted something innocent.

[EvaHarknessRose]

She's just learning, with peer pressure, naivety and no impulse control. So your job is to teach her.

• a temporary internet ban
• no social media before 13 AND proved herself able to stick to a contract
• make a digital behaviour agreement including consequences and set out that you will monitor as required and must know all passwords.

Fwiw my dd did the same, minus the photos. We talked about it, she faced the consequences, she waited to 13 and she agreed to the contract. I checked occasionally. I pointed out that other parents and siblings read group chats too so nothing is private (would she show that bikini photo to her friends mum? How would she feel justifying it in the headteachers office?) She posts minimally online now, but enjoys social media appropriately. My contract includes 'i will be true to my own values and interests and won't become insufferably vain or appearance focused'.

[kankenkanken]

@EvaHarknessRose

Why on earth would the OPs DD have to ‘justify’ posting a bikini picture to her headteacher? I know you said imagine it but still, as long as her account is private to protect her from dangerous predators, I don’t see the issue? No need to sexualise children on the beach or by the pool in swimwear! And by the way, DD1 has been seen by her friends parents in swimwear on joint holidays and by their pool, not sure what that issue is