Aibu - not to know how to deal with DD's secret Instagram account

[seriouslylong]

My dd is 12, she has asked me for an instagram account lots of times and I said no. I recently found out she created an account without telling me.

I was going to tell her right away that I knew and deal with it but I decided to monitor it for a few days.

Now I have seen she has posted photos of herself in a bikini which she knows is unacceptable. I now feel like I can't trust her.

I will be swapping her phone for a brick phone, but I'm not sure how else to deal with this as she completely went behind my back with this and then took it much further by putting up bikini photos of herself.

[johnwinstonlennon]

I know this is not the point, but why on earth does a 12 year old wear a bikini?

[BiBabbles]

It's not unreasonable to not be sure on things like this. Personally, I think education is important, but can only ever go so far and that environmental controls that make the risky things harder to do will do a lot more. Most have done things that we've been well educated would be bad for us that we probably wouldn't if the bad things weren't so easily available.

My oldest had some internet trouble when he was 13. He did it all on a laptop when in the same room as me or his father. We thought the talks, being open about everything including the horrors of the internet, setting ground rules, being there and some basic blocks were enough, certainly better than the no supervision my DH and I had from our parents. They weren't enough though. When we asked DS why even though he himself said some of the stuff he saw over those few weeks he says himself was upsetting and disturbing, he said because it was so tempting and easy. He certainly seemed to feel like he should be able to handle whatever like an adult and it was all right there.

So, we had a lot more talks over the next few weeks and - at his request because of the temptation - we used ScreenTime to block the internet browser on his phone and removed a couple media apps and he can only use the internet browser here on the main computer that is attached to a TV (far less tempting to do when everyone can see it). It's been over a year and those are still in place. I've recently asked him and he still feels not yet ready for open access. I respect that. He now has a few internet apps we monitor (including Instagram which he asked for after taking a photography course), but we didn't really have any of the pushback or rebelling people say will happen even before that when all he had was essentially a feature/brick phone with some books on it. That may be his personality though.

I do not get the whole 'they can do it at school or friends' as a reason to make things easier to get within my own house. It reminds me of growing up where it was just expected for kids to drink and had the whole 'if they want to, they'll do it anyway" and thought they were being better and more modern parents by supplying and allowing kids to drink in their and their friends' homes when really without ease of access, there would have been a lot fewer kids who had drinking problems in that area. I'll never forget coming home to my sister (who did not live there) and her friends all absolutely shitfaced - they were 11ish. Most people I've met since I talk about this with think those parents ridiculous, but really, the lasting impact and mindset isn't much different to many with kids using internet-enabled devices.

We don't block off all waterways, but throwing weak/non-swimmers in at the deep end - while something we know happens - is still generally frowned upon as a shitty and sometimes traumatizing way of learning to swim. To me, that's what is happening with too many kids and young people on the internet which, as the video above says, doesn't have a shallow end. I'm all for education, but the idea that talking about it will ever be able to beat temptations, I just don't think that's realistic even with the most compliant kids.

[FishCanFly]

Create a fake account and give her a scare

[NoCauseRebel]

And tbh, there are plenty of adults who are pretty clueless wrt internet safety. You need look no further than mn to see the amount of idiots who e.g. give money to online strangers because they’ve sold them a sob story, and even some who have met up with others in rl who have turned out to be trolls.

[NoCauseRebel]

The thing about telling kids about the perverts etc out there though is that they only imagine that it happens to other people and are IMO less likely to take those kinds of threats seriously. TBH, the whole social media thing isn’t dissimilar to kids smoking when we were teenagers, and it’s an almost impossible situation to get round.

In my DS’ case, he actually asked if he could have instagram and I said no. But he set it up anyway without my consent or knowledge and then landed himself in hot water because he encountered some bullying from other kids online and because he’d set the account up in secret he couldn’t tell me it was going on. It was a hard lesson for him to learn.

I wouldn’t remove phone or internet but I would very much tell her that you know about the account (how did you find out btw?) and that is a good indication that she clearly isn’t as hidden as she thinks she is online. And that these age restrictions are there for a reason.

[Numbersaremything]

Mo vitor = monitor!

[Numbersaremything]

I imagine that she is naively trying to fit in. Mo vitor what she does, block the stranger and ensure she knows that if you don't know someone in RL, you shouldn't befriend them on line.

[Jellybeansincognito]

She has told someone her school? Wow that’s extremely concerning.

[seriouslylong]

Thank you all for the advice, it has been very helpful.

I know I can not ban her from the internet forever but right now I thought it's the best thing to do until we can discuss it and then decide fully how to manage it.

One poster suggested an internet safety course, I'm going to look into this as I think it's a great idea.

Also the comments about making her look into grooming stories are also very useful.

I do agree the main thing is to make her understand the safety issue.

Also I have read her private messages on there and she has added someone she doesn't know and told them what school she goes to, this person said they know people from her school she she named a few people. This is the things that I find worrying as she had a private account but adds strangers.

Also my dd has been bullied at school in her first year of secondary school and perhaps she is trying to make new friends etc and fit in with her school friends, however she would have known that I would be unhappy with bikini pictures so I find this very unacceptable.

I'm also worried if she is going behind my back at this age what will she do when she is an actual teenager

[kankenkanken]

@EvaHarknessRose

Why on earth would the OPs DD have to ‘justify’ posting a bikini picture to her headteacher? I know you said imagine it but still, as long as her account is private to protect her from dangerous predators, I don’t see the issue? No need to sexualise children on the beach or by the pool in swimwear! And by the way, DD1 has been seen by her friends parents in swimwear on joint holidays and by their pool, not sure what that issue is

[EvaHarknessRose]

She's just learning, with peer pressure, naivety and no impulse control. So your job is to teach her.

• a temporary internet ban
• no social media before 13 AND proved herself able to stick to a contract
• make a digital behaviour agreement including consequences and set out that you will monitor as required and must know all passwords.

Fwiw my dd did the same, minus the photos. We talked about it, she faced the consequences, she waited to 13 and she agreed to the contract. I checked occasionally. I pointed out that other parents and siblings read group chats too so nothing is private (would she show that bikini photo to her friends mum? How would she feel justifying it in the headteachers office?) She posts minimally online now, but enjoys social media appropriately. My contract includes 'i will be true to my own values and interests and won't become insufferably vain or appearance focused'.

[KevinKlineSwoon]

Make sure she has a private account and you can vet who follows her. All the comments about bikinis are really shocking me. Unless she has her legs spread, or is posing provocatively, she has just posted something innocent.

[KevinKlineSwoon]

Is your DD just trying to fit in with her friends? If she's the only one who doesn't have an instagram page, I can see why she kept it from you. Maybe you could find a way to compromise? My DD has an account because everyone in her group of friends had one and she was feeling left out. She is very trustworthy about other things, and I monitor it carefully.

[MrsPerfect12]

Have her watch this... Kayleigh's love story. True about a teen that was groomed on lline, raped and murdered.
I've showed this to my teen a few times. Better than any talk she just won't really listen but showing this really hit it home to my teen.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=WsbYHI-rZOE

[kankenkanken]

@sashh That’s a bit of a reach! What about family holiday photos like @FishCanFly mentioned?

OP is her account private or public? DD1 is 14 and has a private instagram account where she has pictures of her and her sister, DSS, DSD and her friends laughing on the beach in swimwear which happens to be a bikini. I’m perfectly happy with this as her account is tightly locked down :)

[surreysnapper]

Just link her Insta to your account, that's what I do with my son... he knows I can access it anytime I want

[Numbersaremything]

Internet bans don't work, as they can log on at school and via friend's phones. Then they keep trying to hide things, which means that if they do get into trouble or scared, they are less likely to share the problem with you until it has escalated. Please always keep communication lines open.

[mummmy2017]

Ask you DD what punishment she thinks is fair.
Ask her if she would like you to put bikini shots online.
The reason I say don't ban , is her friends will help her disobey you.
This is her world, help her too see it as wrong, rather than something to do secretly.

[FishCanFly]

A photo of a 12 year old in a bikini could be illegal.

Nonsense. All the holiday photos of kids splashing about would be a crime. Of course no.

[SummerSix]

No internet unless its on a laptop in the lounge.

Tell her you're more disappointed than annoyed.

[FishCanFly]

Find her some SCARY reading material about sexual predators online.

[PeoplesFrontOfJudith]

OP you’ve had some good advice on how to frame the discussion with your daughter. I would just suggest though having the conversation with as ‘a primer before being entrusted with social media’ i.e don’t let her know you’ve found her account yet.

The reason is she’ll be on the defensive if she knows she’s in trouble and be less receptive. But do include reasons why we don’t post scantily clad photos and give her real life stories of children who were groomed to read together, there’s plenty online.

Tell her to have a think about it all and if there’s anything she wants to discuss, give her until the next day to fess up. If she doesn’t then you need to have a calm chat with her about how disappointed you are that she broke your trust, there should be a couple of days of losing her phone and then a chat of how she thinks you should both proceed from there.

[PinguDance]

I work with girls this age and I think one of the tricky questions to address is also - why can’t she put up a picture of herself in a bikini? Obviously as adults we understand there’s a distinction between being a pre-teen and being an adult but she will likely think that if adults/older teens can do it she can too. Women have to navigate a really complicated landscape of bikini images that can be sexualised but also can be positive and fun, can promote body confidence but can also be an unhealthy obsession etc.etc. I think it can be really difficult to explain the nuances of this to a 12 yr old. I mean - old men might wank over you is one way of doing it though not one I’d want to broach myself...

It’s hard to get the message right but I think you should explain to her why it makes you so uncomfortable and worried that she has Instagram and why it’s unacceptable for her to put bikini pics up.

[TheHeathenOfSuburbia]

Yeah, spyware is £££, but there's literally a function of whatsapp that enables you to duplicate the phone chat - it tells the phone user you're doing it so not stealth spying, but still.
You login from a web browser, it gives you a QR code which you photograph with the phone and then you can use the account from your browser, helpful if you're typing long messages.

[NuttyOrNice]

DickieDavisThunderThighs

Ohh, I didn't realise Whattsapp wasn't considered social media 😅. I really thought it was.
I never used the monitoring apps - I didn't want to pay and I found the iOS parental controls along with our regular BT parental controls did everything I needed. I also used the parental controls on Nintendo/PlayStation etc.

If your son is hiding messages then I guess you have to decide whether you are ok with him having Whattsapp or not.
It's easy to block it if you can't trust him 🤷🏻‍♀️