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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I U to dump him?

116 replies

RelationshipEnquiry · 28/07/2019 20:09

Disclaimer: Before I ask this I’ll prefix this by saying I was raised around a lot of DV which has put my confidence out of whack when it comes to deciding what’s normal. This may be obvious but I need the reassurance. Sorry if this pisses anyone off.

Dating a guy since Feb, things going along nicely.
He stays over most weekends, but doesn’t live with me.
Last night we’re in bed together, spooning.
I was laying on my left side and he grabbed my right arm and placed it behind my head. I asked him what he was doing and he didn’t respond.
Then he performed what I’ve now come to realise is a move called a half nelson hold and I could not turn nor move my arms (laying on one and he had the other pinned). At this point I screamed for him to get the fuck off me. He obliged. Thankfully as I don’t know what I’d have done otherwise.
I immediately freaked and told him to get out. Then I text him for an explanation he told me he just wanted to feel more “in control” and didn’t realise this wasn’t ok.
I text him back ending things as I don’t want this in a relationship and see no need for control. However all day he’s been begging/apologising and I feel myself questioning if it was really that bad. I don’t want to be sucked into abuse again so was I being U to end things? It was so random and I think I’m still shocked

OP posts:
filderise1 · 28/07/2019 20:11

Honestly that's a really weird thing to do. Did it seem as though he was doing it playfully or in a serious way? If he has made you feel uncomfortable to the point you don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore then you've made the right decision.

Original poster
RelationshipEnquiry · 28/07/2019 20:12

Filderise.
I couldn’t see his face (as we were spooning) but there was no talking nor explanation of what he was doing when I asked and when I couldn’t move I felt genuinely terrified.

OP posts:
Zebraaa · 28/07/2019 20:13

Sounds like he was trying to be more domineering sexually if you were in bed?

What is he like normally day to day?

letsdolunch321 · 28/07/2019 20:14

Has he explained why he wanted to be more in control ? (red flag) has

Wherearemycrayons · 28/07/2019 20:14

YANBU it would only get worse from there, trust me

Original poster
RelationshipEnquiry · 28/07/2019 20:14

Zebraaa,
He’s normally kind, considerate but I’ve noticed makes the odd sexist comment (he does apologise and seems sincere when pulled up on it).
I don’t know if he was trying to dominate me, we were just cuddling not having sex or anything like that (sorry if I alluded to that I didn’t mean to!)

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 28/07/2019 20:14

Nope, seems entirely reasonable to me.

Zebraaa · 28/07/2019 20:14

I think it just depends on the person. If my boyfriend did this I’d think he was being playful and fight him off.
I suppose your history makes you think of other scenarios so if you aren’t comfortable with it end it.

Iyhinkhellhavestrawberry · 28/07/2019 20:15

No you are not being unreasonable at all. He even said he wanted control. As someone with experience of DV too you want support and understanding, not a male controlling you. I would walk away, he will keep pushing the boundaries.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2019 20:15

You have absolutely done the right thing in getting rid of this man. What he did is shocking and a massive, massive red flag. He wants to feel "in control?!" That he would even say such a thing and doesn't understand the problem is so fucked up there are no words.

You must have been terrified and I'm very sorry this happened. Please, please do not take him back. This is just a glimpse of things to come if you stay with him. Block and move on and DO NOT allow him into your home again.

Loveislandaddict · 28/07/2019 20:16

You felt terrified. There’s your answer. You did the right thing to dump him.

Original poster
RelationshipEnquiry · 28/07/2019 20:16

letsdolunch321
No he has not explained when he said that I asked why and his answer was “I don’t know...” so he either can’t or won’t elaborate then my response was to end things I haven’t replied to him since I feel a bit shocked still.

OP posts:
filderise1 · 28/07/2019 20:16

If this was to be more domineering in a sexual way as stated above he really should've asked for permission first. I still think that's super strange and that you've made the right decision

Iyhinkhellhavestrawberry · 28/07/2019 20:17

(if he wants sexual control roleplay it would need to be discussed and agreed on before hand, and you would need to feel comfortable with it)

ColaFreezePop · 28/07/2019 20:17

Please block him and move on. You don't need to give him an explanation.

TalkinAboutManetManet · 28/07/2019 20:17

I’ve never been exposed to DV, and I’d have dumped him for that too. I quite like a bit of domination in bed, but not without consenting/requesting.

Fuck that for a game of soliders.

MrsExpo · 28/07/2019 20:18

You did the right thing. Tell him one last time that you’re done and block his number. Totally out of order.

BlueMoonRising · 28/07/2019 20:20

I would like to see the rationale behind clicking yabu. Anyone?

You are clearly not being unreasonable. That's a very peculiar thing to do, and the fact he wants more control... You are well shot of him imo.

Shoxfordian · 28/07/2019 20:20

Yeah you did the right thing
Block him

Mabelface · 28/07/2019 20:20

You absolutely did the right thing.

TanyaChix · 28/07/2019 20:21

No, it’s awful and I’d dump him too. A man that needs to feel more in control by putting you in a serious rather than playful half nelson out of the blue when you’re cuddling is one that I’d avoid. He’d be better looking for a woman who is entirely happy to be submissive but you are quite within your rights to assert that this isn’t going to be you. You can probably tell from my user name that I’m not the submissive type- I’d hit the roof.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/07/2019 20:21

Not unreasonable. He said he didn't know why but he knows why. He was seeing if he could physically restrain you. He will do it again.

Smelborp · 28/07/2019 20:22

YANBU. You can end things for any reason you like, and this is a really good reason. Why would he want to dominate you while you’re just lying there?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/07/2019 20:24

Agree on ending it

If you were both play fighting and laughing and could see what he was doing then that's one thing. Or if you are both into that kind of sex and have had that conversation then that's fine too.

But to just randomly pull a move like that out of nowhere with no warning from behind, is spooky as fuck and only a complete moron wouldn't realise this.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/07/2019 20:25

Also why does someone need to be in control of a cuddle in a violent way!?