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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I U to dump him?

116 replies

RelationshipEnquiry · 28/07/2019 20:09

Disclaimer: Before I ask this I’ll prefix this by saying I was raised around a lot of DV which has put my confidence out of whack when it comes to deciding what’s normal. This may be obvious but I need the reassurance. Sorry if this pisses anyone off.

Dating a guy since Feb, things going along nicely.
He stays over most weekends, but doesn’t live with me.
Last night we’re in bed together, spooning.
I was laying on my left side and he grabbed my right arm and placed it behind my head. I asked him what he was doing and he didn’t respond.
Then he performed what I’ve now come to realise is a move called a half nelson hold and I could not turn nor move my arms (laying on one and he had the other pinned). At this point I screamed for him to get the fuck off me. He obliged. Thankfully as I don’t know what I’d have done otherwise.
I immediately freaked and told him to get out. Then I text him for an explanation he told me he just wanted to feel more “in control” and didn’t realise this wasn’t ok.
I text him back ending things as I don’t want this in a relationship and see no need for control. However all day he’s been begging/apologising and I feel myself questioning if it was really that bad. I don’t want to be sucked into abuse again so was I being U to end things? It was so random and I think I’m still shocked

OP posts:
HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 28/07/2019 22:03

@Freespirit24 literally the first sentence of the OP “Disclaimer: Before I ask this I’ll prefix this by saying I was raised around a lot of DV

Original poster
RelationshipEnquiry · 28/07/2019 22:03

Also I understand not everyone is perfect we all make mistakes but honestly it really did scare me so even if I’m in the wrong maybe I am better suited to being a crazy cat lady and being alone.

OP posts:
ALittleBitAlexis · 28/07/2019 22:04

@Freespirit24 They weren't having sex, the OP has said she was "almost drifting off to sleep". To go from that to being put into a half nelson with no discussion or warning would be alarming to most people regardless of their history. Being very sexual or kinky is no excuse at all.

WarmestRegards · 28/07/2019 22:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been been removed by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

31RueCambon · 28/07/2019 22:13

The comment about wanting to be ''more in control'' is really strange.
If he'd said 'oh your arm thrown across me felt heavy and I couldn't sleep'' or something it might have been ok, but he wanted to feel ''more in control'' that is really worrying.

Freespirit24 · 28/07/2019 22:21

I state clearly (the very first part of my OP) that I have been around a lot of DV.

I thought DV stood for divorce! It would have been better OP if you had written domestic violence as to me that was not clear. Your second explanation makes more sense but your initial portrayal of the events seemed like a sexual experience gone wrong to me.

I hope you are okay though and looking after yourself.

31RueCambon · 28/07/2019 22:24

I would have thought DV was an obvious enough abbreviation but regardless, being put in a half-nelson as you're drifting off to sleep is not a 'mistake''. That is testing boundaries.

Presumably if it's a sexual experience the other party is awake.

Arnoldthecat · 28/07/2019 22:34

That is just weird...and he sounds weird for doing it YANBU

yorkshirecountrylass · 28/07/2019 22:34

You did absolutely the right thing. For every one man who understands the basics of being dominant (I.e. you discuss EVERYTHING with your partner until you reach a point in your relationship where you don't need to because the other person trusts you enough to go with the unknown and he knows you well enough to tell when you have reservations and act on that) there's a hundred abusive arseholes who use the cloak of "dominance" as an excuse for being a misogynistic arsehole or worse. A half nelson hold with no prior discussion isn't just a red flag it's a full set of bunting.

JamOnTheCarpet · 28/07/2019 22:40

Context is important, I've been restrained like that before by an ex... but in my case we were both awake and alert, actively play-fighting and, most importantly, I knew without a doubt that he would release me instantly if I asked.
Both of us used to participate in a martial art similar to wrestling, so this was genuinely just lighthearted fun for us, and usually started by me trying to steal his socks off his feet.

However, in your situation, I would have completely freaked out too.

You weren't properly awake.
You didn't know what he was doing.
You weren't an active participant in a game.
You didn't know that he would let you go because you hadn't discussed this beforehand.
You asked him what he was doing and he didn't respond until you shouted at him.

None of that is ok. None of it.

YANBU.

EnoughLifeLessons · 28/07/2019 22:42

Fucking hell that would terify me. Good, normal guys don't randomly decide to pin you down like that...and he didn't even have an answer... that's so weird, it's fucking with my mind trying to understand it, so it's definitely screwing with your mind too. My first instinct is he's testing boundaries. Dump and block. Fuck that. There's loads of good men out there, OP!!! Don't waste any more time on him

Winterlife · 28/07/2019 23:16

The fact he said I don’t know suggests to me this was sexual and he assumed you would be ok with it.

If you feel unsafe with him then you’re not being unreasonable.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 28/07/2019 23:29

I was originally kind of on the fence with this one because its the sort of dopey shit my DP would do if he was feeling a bit amorous and rather than use words, would think it was a funny way to get things started in a neanderthal, man-in-control way. Having said that, we've been together a long time and he would know when that would be acceptable as his version of foreplay and when he would be told to bugger off.

Thats why I initially wondered was that this guys incredibly ill-judged way to initiate sex and say 'surprise! I like to be the dominant one!' at the same time.

His explanation is nothing short of confusing- more in control of a cuddle?

Nothings more important than the way it made you feel though, OP. If youre not happy with it, then its game over. Especially with a history of DV. I think that DV's cruellest legacy is that it always makes you wonder if youre the unreasonable one and questioning yourself long after the original perpetrator is gone. It makes you so much more vulnerable. You are not being unreasonable- listen to your instincts Flowers

Grumpelstilskin · 29/07/2019 00:14

That would scare the shit out of me and I have not experienced DV.

@Freespirit24 While you since gave a half-arsed non-apology, women like you are abuse apologists and disgust me.

EKGEMS · 29/07/2019 00:19

freespirit The OP is in the wrong because she didn't spell out domestic violence? Try washing the fruits and veggies before consuming them

Andromeida59 · 29/07/2019 00:29

OP, YANBU. Regardless of personal history this should be a major warning sign. It is not normal to essentially attack someone whilst they're falling asleep.
The OP has stated that they were not playfighting nor having sex (even if they were, boundaries are there for a reason).
@Freesprirt24 most users of this forum will know that DV stands for Domestic Violence. Why the need to justify his behaviour? You've also no right to tell the OP that she is "too sensitive" or "going to be alone forever". Healthy relationships have boundaries in place. Assault is never acceptable. I've been in a relationship nearly 15 years before you tell me I'm going to be alone for not condoning this man's odd behaviour.

TwistyTop · 29/07/2019 00:35

YANBU. His behaviour was at best a really concerning lapse of judgement and at worst a taste of the violence ahead if you'd stayed with him.

The only positive spin I could put on this is that maybe he was trying to be sexy/spontaneous, but that still doesn't excuse it. You were about to fall asleep and he did something violent and aggressive without any discussion beforehand. Creepy as fuck. He either doesn't know what's appropriate or he is an abuser. Either way you are better off away from him. You did the right thing. Don't respond to any of his messages, and block him everywhere that you can.

namechanged2000 · 29/07/2019 00:59

It's not ok.

You did the right thing op.

Starksforthewin · 29/07/2019 02:31

How fucking dare he? What is it with these 'men' and 'control'?

I'd never feel safe in a bed with him again OP and you are absolutely right to end it. Trust your instincts.

By the way, your choice isn't between abuse and being a 'crazy cat lady'! That's social conditioning telling women that they fail without a man, even if that man is violent and/or abusive. You are worth more than that.

He sounds like an utter creep and I wouldn't want to be in his company ever again.

AngeloMysterioso · 29/07/2019 02:54

Haven’t RTFT but... more in control? In control of what? Who needs to be in control when you’re spooning?!

Bloody weird. YANBU OP.

WeLoveToBoogieOnASaturdayNight · 29/07/2019 02:57

That was very odd. Too odd.
Good decision by you. Stand firm.
Is it possible for you to request info by way of Clare's Law?
Not to evaluate whether to get back with him (please don't),
but just for your own knowledge (or perhaps confirmation).
I wonder why/how his previous relationships have ended.

catofdoom · 29/07/2019 03:16

I thought it was creepy and weird and then you posted that he knows your history. Yep, total cunt.

catofdoom · 29/07/2019 03:17

I would have dumped someone for that and I've not experienced dv. Let alone told someone and they did that to me. That's really evil. Or at best, very very very stupid.

Topseyt · 29/07/2019 03:19

Freespirit, your advice is utterly spurious and wrong. I find it hard to believe that you could have thought DV meant divorce!

OP, you have done the right thing in dumping this creep. Ignore anyone trying to tell you otherwise.

I'd much rather end up alone than with a controlling prick like that.

Rachelover40 · 29/07/2019 03:23

That was seriously weird. How horrible to be gently drifting off to sleep and be suddenly jerked back into consciousness with a half nelson! It's scary. In your position I would be extremely wary.

Freespirit said: ....your initial portrayal of the events seemed like a sexual experience gone wrong to me.
---

Like, for example, when strangling goes too far? These things escalate.

OP you are worth more than this man.